Monday, January 3, 2011

Animal Contemplation: Squirrel

The squirrel, nature's evil nut-collecting rodent. I'm not going to go on a crazy megalomaniac rant about how I think squirrels are out to get me or why you should fear these cute balls of absolute terror, why you should lock your doors, run, hide, get out the anti-squirrel spray, and pray for a zombie apocalypse to kill these suckers off. I'm not going to start raving like a lunatic and waving my hands around saying things like squirrels are the most evil animal in the world and have attacked me on numerous occasions appearing much smarter than I would have ever thought. They seem to know how to team up with one another... and even worse, they seem to know how to enact revenge against a singular entity. I'm not going to say those things because it will probably take away all of my internet credibility and make me into a laughingstock amongst my peers and then... and then...

Wait, I don't care. I did a review on the majestic pangolin once. I think I'm shameless already. So, I guess the squirrel-lawyers should bust out their legal books and sue me for libel, because I'm about to shoot some possibly libelous TRUTH at my readers.

Look at that face. It's the face of pure evil.
I guess instead of doing something cool and neat like the rest of you hip people for a "new year", I'm going to inform you on the horrible things squirrels are and what they do. You think they only have cute little faces and store those nuts in their cheeks, and are sometimes really fat and kind of wobble when they walk... and you basically have to laugh at them or feel like you're going to explode... well, you're wrong! WRONG, I SAY! Squirrels are masterminds of the highest echelon, born from constant hate and an irrefutable passion for said hatred. Oh, don't even tell me I'm wrong. Have you ever seen one of their overly cute faces with their big eyes just look at you? They stare blankly at you, STEALING YOUR VERY SOUL! Oh, you think I'm kidding, don't you? Well, I ask you one thing, have you ever stared in a squirrel's black eyes long enough to find out? Would you like to after hearing all of this? would you chance it? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I can tell you stories about squirrels, terrible war stories about what they've done to me, how they've accomplished their goals of ruining whatever life I could have had. I've barricaded myself inside of a small room for years now. I don't go out, I barely eat, and I never sleep. I have these monitor devices watching the perimeter... telling me when the squirrels are active. They watch me all the time...

OH NO! A squirrel just went past my window. Oh dear... AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Whoops... my finger seemed to just hit the "H" and exclamation mark key a ton. Sorry about that. The squirrel went away. It was a false alarm. See these little creatures used to attacked me. They've made concerted efforts to make my life miserable. Every bad and terrible thing that has ever happened in history has involved squirrels. Adolf Hitler-Squirrel, Josef Squirrelin, the Squirrelocaust, the assassination of Abraham Lincoln by John Squirrels Booth, a squirrel biting my finger that one time when I tried to give it a cracker and it thought my finger was the cracker, and the most obviously evil squirrel incident, that time when squirrel George Lucas made the Squirrel Wars prequel trilogy. I think that's the worst of all and unforgivable as well.

No comments:

Post a Comment