Friday, November 26, 2010

Space Thunder Kids

I was going to originally call this review a "Movie Appraisal", but you want to know something? Calling this a movie is like calling a brain aneurysm fun. It's not true and it should never be true under any circumstances.

Look, I understand that different kinds of movies appeal to different people, but this movie appeals to absolutely nobody and anybody who says they like it should be taken out into the street and shown the full force of the law of intelligence. Look, there should be some kind of test in watching this movie. If you hate it like any person should, you get to walk away from the test with a nice happy diploma telling you you're smarter than cancer. If you do like it, you should be taken, strapped down to a gurney, and made to watch good movies until the day you inevitably die of awesome overload, you sick pile of STDs.

This is the movie equivalent to every terrible disease there has ever been and will ever be. It's worse than Bovine spongiform encephalopathy. It's worse than being tortured by an angry and eerily repressed transsexual named Bruno. I can't even tell you had bad this movie in-name-only is because you wouldn't believe me. You'd think that I'm on some terrible drugs that mess up one's brain to the point where even coherent thought is not possible. If you've never heard of this movie, I'm sorry to bring it to your attention. If you have heard of it or seen it... well, at least you know my pain and can share it with me. I'm not alone here. 

I'm. Not. Alone.

No, actually... no. You don't know my pain. I AM alone. Even if you've seen this "film" ABOMINATION OF THE SENSES, you don't know what it did to me. It may have made you go crazy if you watched it. It may have even made you eat babies or something kind of horrible like that, but it's done something so much worse to me. I can't even say it because it's that awful. Just think of the worse thing you can think of... that is the equivalent of what this movie has done to me. Ninety minutes of THAT!? How can a human being watch that? How can a human being enjoy it? Impossible. There is no real story. Sure, there is something, but it makes no sense.


It was terrible in every way. Loops. Taking stuff from other shows. Loops. Loops. Loops.

Am I crazy yet? Have I lost my mind? I've never seen anything like that. The awfulness of that will never no any bounds. Plot? You actually think there was a coherent plot to that garbage? Characters? I barely know which characters were on screen in more than one scene throughout the ENTIRE MOVIE.

My Darth Maul mug is staring at me and you know what? That's less insane than any second of this film. Why is that weird girl-doll-thing sisters with an anime chick-lady? What? Why is Tron ripped off so badly that Disney should have brought a lawsuit against the entirety of Korea? I don't even know anything about Transformers and I KNOW this movie PILE OF GARBAGE ripped that off too. What is with the everlasting loops? I can't stand it. This movie maybe features thirty minutes of original content. OUT OF A NINETY MINUTE FILM!!!! Just think about that for a second. Do you see what I'm saying? No, you don't understand. You'll never understand. I've seen the face of Hell and its name is Space Thunder Kids.

Don't watch this movie. Hell, forget you ever even saw this review. Go and live your lives happily and freely and understand that I shall be a tortured soul the rest of mine. I've seen the worst thing there is to see and lost all feeling in the process. Thank you, Space Thunder Kids, for making me an emotional wreck of a man. I hope you understand that you've broken me irreparably. I can never go back to the way I was before I saw that movie. I can never laugh or smile again without thinking of that stupid abomination of the arts.


From the Editor: Saquarry was quickly taken to the mental asylum after he watched this film. He did not have the energy to submit this review himself. I pressed the button myself and dragged him kicking and screaming about the strange things in the movie, unbelievably bad things. I took him and came back, perusing the review, disbelieving that anything could be that bad. And then I found the movie on this website. I think I'll watch it. It can't be that bad...

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Movie Appraisal: Zombieland (2009) (Special Thanksgiving Day Review!)

Zombieland is... sublime... fantastic... wonderful... all of those things and more. I'm not the kind of person who goes on and on with gushing remarks about any film that isn't psychological horror or Alfred Hitchcock directed, but this film was just a wonderful experience.

Maybe it was that the last movie I watched before this was The Reaping, which just so happened to be one of the worst films I have ever seen, and I do mean that. I mean, even taking into consideration I watch bad movies on the SyFy (What a stupid name...) Channel all the time and most of my favorite movie most people would probably consider drivel, I hated that movie with a passion I'm not sure even I could equal again.

But this movie, Zombieland, was literally fantastic. Anybody watching this movie who doesn't instantly fall in love with the character of Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) is a cold and terrible person who I never want to know. His character and performance really drive this film to be the best it can be. The other actors are mediocre or kind of good in parts,but Woody Harrelson really brings this movie to the next level. His acting is beyond superb and I'm actually kind of sad I don't see him in more movies with skills like that.

This being a zombie comedy-horror film, there are going to be a lot of parallels drawn to Shaun of the Dead (2004),and they are well-deserved. Both movies are fantastic in their own right and really trump anything else the zombie movie has to offer. I like some zombie films, with Dawn of the Dead (1978) being the best of the genre in my opinion, but Zombieland is a much more enjoyable experience than those other films and really does come off as a better movie than even the staples of zombie films.

The story is fantastic, again very character-driver with the four leads really showing us what the zombie apocalypse can do to people. Tallahassee and his endless search for the last Twinkie, and Columbus (played by Jesse Eisenberg) and his numerous phobias and obsessions are really well-done to the point of being fantastic on almost every level.

As for complaints, I don't really have any. The acting could have been better, but it's a zombie film. Did I go in expecting great Shakespearean performances? No. No, I did not, and I was surprised by the calibre of the acting nonetheless because it was much better than even my wildest expectations. I felt that the only real complaint I have were that the cuts to other times or places were sometimes a little awkward, but even that can be forgiven in a film like this.

The time I spent watching this film absolutely flew by and I enjoyed myself thoroughly throughout. I think that's the most telling part of a good movie,if it absolutely flies past while you're watching it. I laughed throughout this film. It was hilarious and enjoyable and I really think that anybody who enjoys a good zombie film... or you know what?... films in general too... should really check this flick out.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Movie Appraisal: The Reaping (2007)

What is it with horror movies and little girls? Little girls are not scary. they have never been scary. I could punt a sixty pound girl and anything that can be punted is not scary. I'm sorry, but it's true. Sure, there can be a certain amount of unsettling imagery just as there can be with anything, but little girls are not frightening. The worst they could do is kick me in the shin and give me a bruise. That is not frightening. That is annoying. So, I guess what I'm saying is that these stupid movie-makers should realize that something so puntable is about as scary as a cute little hamster running around on a wheel-thing.

The plague aspect of the story is much better, unsettling and eerie. I usually don't like religious imagery because I had enough of it going through nine years of Catholic school, but most of the imagery here is pretty decent. I particularly like the red river towards the beginning of the film. It's a nice touch.

The story itself is a little ridiculous. It has to do with crazy Christian cults and appeasing the Devil and, I think, the Antichrist. All these movies seem like they have something to do with the Antichrist. I'm sorry for complaining about this, but the Antichrist isn't frightening either. It's just a silly thing that I don't care about. Most Antichrist stories are pretty ridiculous and I can't stand them.

This movie isn't bad, per se, but it's certainly not good. The imagery is mostly here. The acting is WAAAAAAAAAY over the top to the point of sometimes being a little ridiculous and incredibly unbelievable. The plot is convoluted and confusing, with way too many different plot points and no really enough time to explore any of them adequately. I don't know if this story has a point or if it's just silly for the sake of being silly. It seems to take the worst of the horror genre and mix it all together in a movie that is altogether forgettable and confusing.

Another thing I need to complain about is women ALWAYS having a starring role in these modern horror movies. I feel that a dude should get a starring role every once in a while, but no, it always seems that some half-naked chick is going to run around in all these horror movies bouncing up and down for a full forty minutes, and sure, maybe I'm not adequately man enough or something, but it's kind of disturbing. I don't want to have to watch that in a HORROR film. The problem is that horror films and gratuitous naked chicks seem to be side-by-side in this day and age and it's awful, just awful. Nakedness for the sake of nakedness is stupid. Why can't horror movies focus on horror and not some awful sexual perversion? It's so stupid. This movie isn't as blatant about it as some horror movies are, but it still has it and it's absolutely ridiculous.

The Reaping is... unsettling at points. I'll give it that much. But by the end of the movie it just becomes ridiculous. I watch that final plague come down and I just don't care. Let 'em all die, is the only though in my head. Let this stupid, awful movie end. Oh, and the special effects... damn the special effects... damn them to the furthest corners of whatever hell created them.

This movie is starting to make me angry. It wasn't at first. It didn't seem so bad at first, but with so many better movies out there and with this one stealing away my time forever, I become angry that I wasted my time with this insipid movie. The twists are awful. The acting is terrible. The scenery except for a few small exceptions is awful. The art style and directing are awful... truly awful cinematography. How did I manage to sit through this whole movie without throwing my chair through my television screen? I think I have greater willpower than I have ever known. I can't believe I made it through that whole movie.

This review started off calm and I didn't want to rip this movie apart, but this movie deserves it for the torment it has put me through. Hilary Swank is not going to save this movie by being the sexy action chick. I'm sorry, she just can't. The way she talks in this movie grates on my nerves, as if I'm hearing metal rubbing against a chalkboard continuously for three years of my life every time she opens her mouth and says something.

I feel as if I've aged thirty years in this ninety minute or so movie. Don't watch it, I beg you. Don't watch it or it will steal all the happiness from you and leave only the cold misery of knowing that this movie was ever made. Save yourself from that eternal torment. Be smarter than I. Don't allow yourself to ever watch The Reaping or you yourself will find yourself reaped. (And not in a good way.)

Friday, November 19, 2010

Video Game Assessment: Super Metroid (1994)

Here's a game that's a bit random for me to review. It's an older game for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and easily the oldest video game I've reviewed yet. Most of the video games I've reviewed so far are much more recent and therefore much more palatable for a modern-day audience. The Super Nintendo is no Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3 or even a Wii. It is an earlier video game console with some of the best video games of all time on it.

Now, I'm not saying there aren't some fantastic video games thrown out today. I've actually found a few very good games that have come out in the last few years. Most of them are good for storylines or gameplay... some for their content and some for their characters, but they all have a ton of content, they all have the superior technology of today to work off of. They should be better video games. Hell, I shouldn't even have to compare a game like Super Metroid to games like Mass Effect 2 or Halo 3 or something because those games should be so much better than this game that came out sixteen years ago when video games were nowhere near the cultural media they are today. My problem is, I have to compare this game to modern day game, and you know why? It's because this game is fantastic. It holds up so well to games of today and beats a lot of them senseless with its awesome qualities.

This also happens to be the only Metroid game I have ever played. The main character being a girl, while being one of the most hardcore decisions in all of gaming, doesn't really play into anything in this game. Super Nintendo games, and especially games of this type weren't exactly equipped with stellar stories and character development. But see, the thing is, it didn't need to be. This is the kind of game that the hardship and loneliness of the game are enough to really make you care about all the contents. The story doesn't matter, not really, but it does because of the immersion, because of the feeling that in playing this game, by playing Samus, you are actually accomplishing something awesome as well.

This game used to scare me to no end. I remember when it first came out, I looked at it, played the game a bit and was so freaked out by the first mini-boss that I couldn't move on. There was a pervasive loneliness that really infested your mind as a gamer. The game still does that to this day. Some games try very hard to make the character feel as lonely and as hardcore as Super Metroid did, but few succeed in any way. The most triumphant counter-example would be Portal, but that is seriously the only one I can really think of and that game is nowhere near as difficult or serious as Super Metroid.

Super Metroid starts out in a space station with Samus trying to find a space pirate dragon thing called Ridley, who had stolen the last of the metroids, which are little brain creatures that are supposedly very dangerous. Samus is a bounty hunter, kind of like Boba Fett from Star Wars. She wears some crazy armor and can role up into a ball... for some reason... and she has a missile launcher/beam gun grafted onto one hand of her armor-suit. So, pretty much she about as hardcore as a character can be.

Anyway, Super Metroid is a platforming, side-scrolling, awesome adventure of killing aliens on the planet Zebes, and trying to find that last metroid while avoiding death all the while. It's awesome. The skillset required for this game is huge, and I think any new gamer who has been coddled by many of the current generation titles would find this game quite difficult indeed. It's not a game that is easy in any way. It's challenging and requires so much concentration that it's a little ridiculous.

I love this game though. It's one of my favorite games from the Super Nintendo era of games alongside greats like Kirby Super Star, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's King Quest, The Lost Vikings, and the Super Star Wars Series. Ah, it's awesome and nostalgic and I could play that game over and over again. It's one of those games that's both challenging and plays differently ever time. It doesn't need a clever AI or a crazy story about things that are convoluted and weird. No, all it needed was shooting some aliens, a crazy-awesome bounty-hunting chick, and some of the best visuals and gameplay an entire console had to offer.

It's an old game now, and probably pretty tough to get nowadays, but if you do own it or can find some version or copy of it, it's a game worth playing showing off both the best of the old games and why video games have become such a mainstay in our society today. So, check it out if you can and admire the handiwork of a video game as true art.

I know this review is a little random, but every once in a while I love to review something different... and I might be doing more of that for a while since I'm kind of in the mood to play some older games.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Video Game Assessment: Fallout: New Vegas (2010)

Okay, yes, I am a fan of the Fallout video game series. I love the post-apocalyptic wasteland scenario, as I'm sure many of my fellow male specimens do. It has a certain very neat feeling to it. There's something about wandering around, surviving, and shooting things that makes men feel like they're in their element. Very interesting. Even some of my friends who are the least-likely-to-survive-the-apocalypse kind of people, still tend to be very much for an apocalyptic wasteland. Interesting, methinks.

Anyway, Fallout: New Vegas is the follow-up video game to Bethesda's behemoth of a game Fallout 3, but does it surpass it, or is it merely more of the same? Well, I'll tell you.

I actually really loved this game and I didn't love Fallout 3. That should automatically make you think that this game is a better game... well, not so fast, partner. You're getting ahead of yourself making conclusions like that.

I think that Fallout 3 has many flaws. I didn't mention this in my review of Fallout 3, because I really did want to focus on the horror aspects of the game in that review, but to review Fallout: New Vegas, one must really understand Fallout 3. Fallout 3 is a huge game, with a ton of sidequests and main quests and everything. It has a ton of weapons and enemies... but it only has about two or three different environments not including the DLC. It either has the DC Wasteland or the DC ruins. There are very few other kinds of environments other than Rivet City, and the underground and broken down subway tunnels. The environments have no variability, and that's not a good thing. Fallout: New Vegas on the other hand, has a ton of environments. It goes from New Vegas itself to wasteland, to mountains, to forests, all the way to small settlements and canyons. There are a variety of enemies in all these environments, many more than Fallout 3 supported, and the enemies in this game can be frustratingly hard, unlike Fallout 3, where no enemy really posed a threat past a certain point.

Fallout: New Vegas has the added threat of not really having a ton of ammo or healing packs (called stimpacks in the game) just lying around. It makes the game really hard when there are no easy ways to shoot guns or heal, and I found myself focusing more and more on unarmed or melee weapons as I forged on in the game, simply because of the scarcity of ammo. Fallout 3 had tons of ammo and stimpacks. I never had any problem with that at all. So, Fallout: New Vegas is a much more difficult game.

Now, I'm going to talk about characters. Fallout: New Vegas has some stunning and interesting characters. It really fleshes out companion characters and gives them their own quests and stories and such, whereas Fallout 3 had very little characterizations outside of Vault 101, where the main character came from. I had trouble becoming immersed in the game because the characters didn't feel real. They had no personality, no real emotions and it really took away from the game itself.

Then there's the plot. Fallout 3 had this plot about bringing clean water to the DC Wasteland. They needed clean water because most of the water was heavily irradiated. It was an interesting plot, but the sidequests really had nothing to do with the main plot. Honestly the entire game felt like two very different games. First there was a very serious main plot storyline, and then there were sidequests that were silly and kind of ridiculous. It was jarring. Fallout: New Vegas really fixed that issue by making most of the quests tie into the main plot, and it works really well. I actually liked the plot of Fallout: New Vegas which was simply to choose what to do with New Vegas, if it should be independent, under the leadership of who was in charge before the game started, under the leadership of the big "country" the NCR (New California Republic) to the west, or if it should be given over to Caesar's Legion (a large group of raiders styling themselves after Ancient Rome) from the east. It makes the game interesting because almost all of the sidequests deal with the main plot, and it really immerses the player into the game. It's pretty awesome is what I'm really saying.

I loved Fallout: New Vegas, but I do want to say another thing very quickly. The developer of this game is Obsidian Entertainment, by far my favorite video game developer. They also made Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords (which happens to be my favorite video game OF ALL TIME), and Alpha Protocol (which I reviewed and also really liked). I have a hard time disliking Obsidian's video games... so, I might be a little biased here... I hope not. I really did enjoy the game. I had a lot of fun. It isn't necessarily a better game than Fallout 3, but I really do like it. It's nowhere near as long, but the tighter story is kind of nice compared to the behemoth of Fallout 3.

Anyway, if you have the time and a love of video games, go and check out Fallout: New Vegas. I doubt you'll be disappointed.

Post Script: One more thing: the game is pretty buggy right now. I mean, I ran into some very strange glitches all around. They'll probably be fixed soon, but until then, it really shouldn't be played with those glitches in the game.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Here's Something to Read 2: Return of the Words

Hey, I've finished my 31 reviews in (about) 31 days.It was quite a ride. I can't believe I actually (kind of) succeeded. So, I'm done with October, but now November is here and December is fast approaching. I'm probably going to take a week to recuperate or so and then get back to reviewing something about once a week or so... although if I see or read something awesome, I'll probably review it without too much delay.

I'm not exactly certain which stuff I might be reviewing coming up, but you can assume I'll do a more in depth review of Fallout 3 at some point for one. I had a few movies I watched or have and haven't watched yet, that I'll probably review as well. These include Ringu, The Jacket, The Night Stalker, Silent Hill, Session 9, The Changeling, The Mist, and others.

I have a few video games that I'm going to review as well (once I have the time to play them, that is). Currently Fallout: New Vegas, and Fable 3 are on my radar for reviewing.

As for other notes: in January I'm probably going to do either a Stephen King or Alfred Hitchcock month. Whichever I don't do in January I'll probably do in June. So, any ideas for reviews are always appreciated.

But so long for now and thanks for reading my 31 reviews in these October Nights!


Salem’s Lot
Silent Hill 2
Silent Hill 4
The Keep
Alan Wake
“Hands Resist Him” and Urban Exploring.
The Blair Witch Project
Indigo Prophecy
Event Horizon
“The Colour Out of Space”
Resident Evil 4
The Mothman Prophecies
The Evil Dead
Paranormal Activity
Slender Man
The Ruins
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
Cast a Deadly Spell
Jacob’s Ladder
The Machinist
Fallout 3
30 Days of Night
Half-Life 2
Dead End
The Ring