Sunday, May 23, 2010

Animal Contemplation: Pangolin

So, now I've gone off the deep end with my analyses and have chosen to analyze a very strange animal by the name of Pangolin with the categorization of Animalia Chordata Mammalia Pholidota Manidae Manis tetradactyla... commonly referred to as the "Long-Tailed Pangolin".

Now, you may be asking yourself: "What is wrong with Saquarry? Has he gone mad or something? I thought he reviewed legitimate stuff." Well, of course I review legitimate "stuff"... but all stuff is legitimate, is it not? And pangolins are a type of stuff, are they not? So, giving a review of a pangolin is in many ways just as legitimate as giving a review of a crappy movie or a good video game.

Pangolins are an odd species... kind of like a cross between an anteater and an armadillo, except instead of armadillo armor, they have plates... almost like some kind of plate-mail. Incidentally there is plate-mail made from Pangolin armor. You don't believe me? Check this out: Pretty cool, huh?

Anyway, the pangolin is such a neat animal. It happens to be one of my favorite animals just for its sheer oddity. I mean, how many other animals looks as cool as a pangolin? I mean just look at this cute little guy: Tell me you wouldn't want to take him home. That's right. You can't say it because you'd be lying. Pangolins are awesome and now you know it.

Sure, this review might seem a tad silly to those less cultured and not as cool as I or the pangolins are, but to those that appreciate the fine art of the graceful and wondrous pangolin, your hearts will be open to their mighty nature and awesome form... and you won't die in the pangolin apocalypse which, you should know, is just around the corner.

I want to name a band "Pangolin Apocalypse" now.

EDIT: Well, since this page has become incredibly popular despite being nothing more than a filler review and a bit of a joke, I will provide actual information beyond naming my band "Pangolin Apocalypse" even if that is the coolest thing in the entire world ever.

So, let's start with some scientific stuff: Pangolins are also known as scaly anteaters or Trenggilings (I have no idea what that word actually means, but it exists as a name to this strange creature. The name, pangolin, which we usually use to name this creature is a bastardization of the Malay word penggulling meaning "something that rolls up." Pangolins are also nocturnal creatures and insectivores, well, kind of obviously with the anteater reference in one of their names.

Their taxology is hard to place on any chart. Some scientists place them alongside of armadillos, anteaters, and sloths, but their DNA suggests a closer relationship with the order Carnivora, although even that is suspect. These animals also can emit a stink like that of a skunk, which makes them even stranger. How did they animals come to pass!?

The Pangolin Apocalypse, that's how.

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