Friday, November 26, 2010

Space Thunder Kids

I was going to originally call this review a "Movie Appraisal", but you want to know something? Calling this a movie is like calling a brain aneurysm fun. It's not true and it should never be true under any circumstances.

Look, I understand that different kinds of movies appeal to different people, but this movie appeals to absolutely nobody and anybody who says they like it should be taken out into the street and shown the full force of the law of intelligence. Look, there should be some kind of test in watching this movie. If you hate it like any person should, you get to walk away from the test with a nice happy diploma telling you you're smarter than cancer. If you do like it, you should be taken, strapped down to a gurney, and made to watch good movies until the day you inevitably die of awesome overload, you sick pile of STDs.

This is the movie equivalent to every terrible disease there has ever been and will ever be. It's worse than Bovine spongiform encephalopathy. It's worse than being tortured by an angry and eerily repressed transsexual named Bruno. I can't even tell you had bad this movie in-name-only is because you wouldn't believe me. You'd think that I'm on some terrible drugs that mess up one's brain to the point where even coherent thought is not possible. If you've never heard of this movie, I'm sorry to bring it to your attention. If you have heard of it or seen it... well, at least you know my pain and can share it with me. I'm not alone here. 

I'm. Not. Alone.

No, actually... no. You don't know my pain. I AM alone. Even if you've seen this "film" ABOMINATION OF THE SENSES, you don't know what it did to me. It may have made you go crazy if you watched it. It may have even made you eat babies or something kind of horrible like that, but it's done something so much worse to me. I can't even say it because it's that awful. Just think of the worse thing you can think of... that is the equivalent of what this movie has done to me. Ninety minutes of THAT!? How can a human being watch that? How can a human being enjoy it? Impossible. There is no real story. Sure, there is something, but it makes no sense.


It was terrible in every way. Loops. Taking stuff from other shows. Loops. Loops. Loops.

Am I crazy yet? Have I lost my mind? I've never seen anything like that. The awfulness of that will never no any bounds. Plot? You actually think there was a coherent plot to that garbage? Characters? I barely know which characters were on screen in more than one scene throughout the ENTIRE MOVIE.

My Darth Maul mug is staring at me and you know what? That's less insane than any second of this film. Why is that weird girl-doll-thing sisters with an anime chick-lady? What? Why is Tron ripped off so badly that Disney should have brought a lawsuit against the entirety of Korea? I don't even know anything about Transformers and I KNOW this movie PILE OF GARBAGE ripped that off too. What is with the everlasting loops? I can't stand it. This movie maybe features thirty minutes of original content. OUT OF A NINETY MINUTE FILM!!!! Just think about that for a second. Do you see what I'm saying? No, you don't understand. You'll never understand. I've seen the face of Hell and its name is Space Thunder Kids.

Don't watch this movie. Hell, forget you ever even saw this review. Go and live your lives happily and freely and understand that I shall be a tortured soul the rest of mine. I've seen the worst thing there is to see and lost all feeling in the process. Thank you, Space Thunder Kids, for making me an emotional wreck of a man. I hope you understand that you've broken me irreparably. I can never go back to the way I was before I saw that movie. I can never laugh or smile again without thinking of that stupid abomination of the arts.


From the Editor: Saquarry was quickly taken to the mental asylum after he watched this film. He did not have the energy to submit this review himself. I pressed the button myself and dragged him kicking and screaming about the strange things in the movie, unbelievably bad things. I took him and came back, perusing the review, disbelieving that anything could be that bad. And then I found the movie on this website. I think I'll watch it. It can't be that bad...

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