Movie Appraisal: Kaidan (怪談) (2007) and J-Horror Theater Wrap-Up

From the director of Ringu, Hideo Nakata, we have Kaidan, a movie about a curse and a ghost. As the fifth movie in the J-Horror Theater series, I wasn't expecting much. Hell, the fourth and sixth movies were not all that good in my opinion, with the sixth one, Kyofu, being a trainwreck of a movie. Kaidan is a masterpiece. While calling it strictly a horror movie is laughable, it is a great movie to just watch. Hideo Nakata could never make a better movie than this, and yet he would still have made one of the great ghost story movies of all time with this one.

While the story is a tradition Japanese one about a legacy of death, a curse, and love, it is also fantastically put together. A moneylender is killed by a broken Samurai in old Japan. The Samurai dies himself soon after, and their children grow up orphans. The moneylender's daughters grow to be beautiful and powerful in Old Tokyo (Edo), while the Samurai's son is very clearly of a lower status. He falls in love with one of the daughters, but their relationship is cursed, and when he decides to leave her, he is cursed as well.

And that's the basic story. I know it has been told before in movies like The Depths (1957) and others, but this is one of the more recent re-tellings of an old tale with a tragic story. The movie is art in motion throughout, showcasing both acting talent and a story that works incredibly well. It does take on the old idea that the sins of the father are passed down to the child, almost literally in the case of this movie. It shows that fate is fixed and cannot be changed. And a curse, a woman scorned, and ultimately fate... those things cannot be avoided. They will follow one around for the rest of his days.

Maybe it's a little silly, but a movie like this, made so traditionally about such a tradition matter, is exactly what I want to watch. It is one of the only period horror movies that I know about, which makes it very unique and incredibly interesting in its own right. I wasn't expecting what I received, neither the quality nor the absolute passion evident in this film.

Again, this is not strictly a horror film. While it has horror elements to it (mostly in small pieces and mostly at the end of the movie), it is much more of a historical drama of a sort. I would even call it a romance movie at times. While it doesn't always work, it damn well tries very hard to be something special, and I truly appreciate that. It hearkens back constantly to the ancestral sins as well showing that one's own sins can damn one as well. The way Shinkichi (the lead character) treats the women throughout the film can only be described as disheartening. While appearing to be a good man on the surface, he takes advantage of them, leaves them once they cannot give him what he wants, and finds another, prettier face. I know customs were different once upon a time, but I find it kind of sickening how easily he slimes his way through the story. Even then, there was a certain sadness I felt towards him at the end of the movie, before his ultimate fate is decided. It takes a great movie to make me feel something for a character I loathe, and this is certainly a special sort of movie.

Again, there really isn't horror here, so despite the moniker of J-Horror Theater, this is much more of a traditional ghost story, one of the ghost seeking revenge certainly, but one that shows very little in the way of actual scares. I would almost say that this movie is made in a way to be a throwback to early Japanese horror movies of the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s. It has that style and feel to it, although I could be wrong, I suppose.

Anyway, this is a great movie and I recommend it all the way, just don't expect a horror movie, because this isn't really one of them, not in the modern sense of the term anyway.


So, I guess we're done with all six movies of the J-Horror Theater. What six movies they were too! We saw everything in the Japanese Horror repertoire, from Infection with its subtle gore and mindscrew attitudes to Kyofu and its terrible and bizarre story. We saw Premonition and Reincarnation, both with their slow builds and near-perfect stories, both full of so much horror and awe that they'll always remain in my mind as true quality. And then we saw Retribution, a movie that I should have liked, and ended up finding far too dry for my taste. But even that one had a certain something, even if it was simply a single perfect scene. And finally we have Kaidan, a traditional ghost story I won't soon forget. All six movies were something to watch, even if I found two of them less than stellar. All-in-all the J-Horror Theater experiment was a success, really showing the quality that Japanese horror movies can achieve when their best directors take on the task of making amazing movies.

I'm glad I finally reviewed all these movies. They've been on my plate for years and years. I have a few more series and sets of movies like this to review, probably not this year (not at this point anyway), but next year and the years after I'll need more horror movies to review, so why not? I don't think I'll forget these movies, and if this year goes down as my J-Horror Theater October, then so be it. I think I can be proud of these reviews and these movies for the most part. I will admit I really wasn't expecting much out of these last three reviews, especially since two out of my first three reviews of this series were fairly negative. I'm glad that these final three movies picked up the series, making it rise in my opinion, and making all the hours I put into watching and reviewing these movies definitely worth it.

Anyway, until tomorrow night... 

Movie Appraisal: Trick 'r Treat (2007)

I don't have much to say about this movie except that if you haven't seen in and are reading this review: Stop.

STOP RIGHT NOW.





STOP, and go and watch this film. Do it for Halloween. I don't care if it's not Halloween anymore. Do it for the potential of Halloween. This just happens to be the greatest Halloween movie ever made and needs to be watched by everyone. Oh, you think I kid. You think I jest. I neither kid nor jest. It is perfect. Perfect in every discernible way for a Halloween movie.

Trick 'r Treat is an anthology film written and directed by Michael Dougherty. It was based on his animated short film from 1996 entitled Season's Greetings, which also features the character of Sam (that little dude up there on the poster). The movie is also a wonderful comedy-horror movie with blood, gore, breasts, and everything a horror movie like this should be. The comedy aspect of it is incredibly well done. It's funny at all the right spots. I found myself laughing more than once at the ridiculousness of it all or some of the wonderful lines throughout the movie. I loved the ironic deaths of many of the characters, so much so that I would generally find myself gleefully humming to myself as they died. Not sure if I've ever done that to a movie before...

The characters (and acting) in it are brilliant as well, ranging from the hilarious murderous principal Steven Wilkins (played by Dylan Baker) to the virginal Laurie (Anna Paquin) to Sam (Quinn Lord) himself. Hell, even the savant Rhonda (Samm Todd) and the witchy young girl Sara (Isabelle Deluce) are nearly brilliant. Brian Cox is also awesome as Creeg, the angry old man of the film. I can't say enough great things about all of these actors. Seriously, every last one of them creates a fantastic and memorable character. And they all seem to really love being in this movie, and making a movie that finally feels precisely like Halloween.

Anyway, the movie basically involves a bunch of Halloween parables. And they all work quite well with each  of them focusing on a different aspect of Halloween culture. You have the kids who are trying to dig up an urban legend and appeal to the ghosts of that legend. You have the woman who doesn't have any respect for Halloween and wants those decorations down ASAP. You have your girls in sexy costumes going to a party in the woods. You have a serial killer type who poisons a kid. And you have a crotchety old man who has no respect for anybody but himself. All of these plots intertwine to tell the narrative, but I'm not saying how they intertwine. Watch the flick to find that out.

It is one of the first films I've ever watched that really hits what Halloween is all about. It feels appropriate in every way. It feels like Halloween. I don't know how much more I can say about it. I've been a kid at Halloween. I've been a crazy teenager at Halloween, and now I'm basically an adult at Halloween. I've loved Halloween every year. I've gone trick-or-treating with both friends and family (and been around the blocks a few times by myself). I've been to parties, stayed up and watched horror movies with people, and generally enjoyed the holiday every year immensely. If you've taken any time to enjoy it too, you will love this film. Don't be scared off by the comedy aspect of the movie, since it does hold the appropriate level of scares as well. But don't think that the movie is too scary either. While there is a good amount of gore, it is really over-the-top, never being actually realistic in the slightest. It fits in a snug little corner between comedy and horror and works well as both of those things.

The plot with the school bus massacre, the old man, and the school principal are my favorites, but all of them work more-or-less incredibly well. It's just that those three work spectacularly well as what they are. The school bus massacre especially feels like it could be a movie all on its own. And it happens to be the absolute pinnacle of terrifying in this movie. I'm pretty sure I've done stupid things like these kids did, and though it didn't end up as... uh... messy as it did in this movie, I'm pretty sure the mood was still there. Somehow Halloween was encapsulated on film, and I love that feeling so very much.

I really can't say enough good things about this movie. I'm glad I had a chance to review it on Halloween. I'm also glad that I've gotten the chance to have a great time on Halloween watching a fantastic film. Check it out right now if you haven't this year. You will not be disappointed, I almost guarantee it.

Mini Movie Appraisals Part 2: Lifeforce (1985), Eden Log (2007), and The Sixth Sense (1999)

I'd like to do another session of a bunch of extra movies I saw this October that I couldn't necessarily milk long reviews out of. These three movies: Lifeforce, Eden Log, and The Sixth Sense have literally almost nothing in common. Lifeforce is a weird vampire alien sci-fi horror movie from the 1980s. It is both slow-paced and well acted, definitely reminiscent of earlier films of the sci-fi horror genre, particularly the slow-paced 1950s sci-fi horror movies that more often than not involved scientists standing around talking to one another. Eden Log is a heavily stylized, almost avant-garde movie involving a man with amnesia and monstrosities hunting both him and the others in the cave he happens to be in. It is an incredibly different kind of movie, I'll give it that. And The Sixth Sense is The Sixth Sense, but I'll talk about that one quickly too.

Despite the title sounding like a group of cheesy superheroes, Lifeforce is actually very staunchly in the realm of sci-fi horror. Well... I probably should say that I use both of those terms very lightly in this case. Lifeforce is a long and unassuming movie that plays like a much more epic film than it could ever be. The "Lifeforce" in this case is human life energy or soul energy or whatever you'd like to call it, and the villains are space vampires. It's an absolutely ridiculous premise, certainly calling on certain sci-fi drive-in B-movies from the 1950s and 1960s as places to start from.

The whole movie has the feel of a modern-day 1950s sci-fi B-movie, like The Thing From Another World or Them! With an incredibly slow pace and most of the movie spent talking or talking about talking, it can be fairly dry at times (Okay, incredibly dry, even boring might be more accurate). The effects are cheesy, the acting somewhat overdone, but still believable for most characters, and the whole movie mostly feels like an experiment gone wrong. So many scenes make little to no sense that I found large portions of the movie insulting to my intelligence. All the while the movie talked down to me! Despite all of this, the British actors and Tobe Hooper made this movie classy even with the gratuitous amounts of nudity, both male and female.

While I somewhat enjoyed the ridiculousness of this film, it really isn't a great movie. I do enjoy the Britishness of the film though. And the actors were really doing their best to make the plot enjoyable. The space-vampire premise is silly and ridiculous, but when the astronauts find them in the first place it is appropriately weird. I liked the oddity of it all. It's average at best despite some interesting moments. I did find some enjoyment in it though, so if you want to see an odd, 1950s sci-fi paced movie made in the mid-1980s with space-vampires, this may well be the movie for you.

 Eden Log is both beautiful and dark as a movie. I think the visuals and the cinematography are the absolute best parts of the film. When the main character, Tolbiac, wakes up in a dank cave without any memories lying next to a dead man, you almost know the movie is going to be a bit interesting. And it kind of is. With elements of sci-fi horror, and psychological horror, it actually reminds me a great deal of the later Pandorum. While I absolutely love Pandorum with a passion nearly unrivaled by any other film, this one is a great deal more forgettable. Despite the initial promise of the plot, I found the look of the movie to work against itself. It seemed to become less horror as the plot wore on, and a great deal more convoluted and frankly less interesting. The monsters seemed to be hastily done albino creatures and they didn't do to much for me. There never seemed to be any tension when viewing them, unlike Pandorum and that just took me right out of the horror.

As for character, well, none of them are really all that interesting. The plot is a simple one of escape and getting to the surface, but it is accomplished by a minimalist script with very little actual spoken dialogue. I really liked this aspect of the film even if it did make the entire movie drag slowly at times. The scientist that Tolbiac meets up with about halfway or so through the movie is just about the most interesting character. She hold him despite his strength in semi-captivity because... well, the cave complex seems to make people go insane and turn into subhuman monsters. And he kind of is a monster but not a monster at the same time? I have no idea... but she's scared of him a bit. Eventually she runs away when her tent is attacked by the creatures and Tolbiac follows her, and then the best scene in the movie happens as Tolbiac catches up with her in the elevator and simultaneously makes love to her and rapes her. This is incredibly well shot, incredibly and darkly psychological, and appropriately painful for both parties involved. The horror that crosses Tolbiac's face when he realizes what he has done is palpable, as is her hatred for him.

The plot staggers towards the end, becoming far more complex than it should be, making Tolbiac the hero without any real buildup of his character, but most of the movie is a fun ride. The lack of dialogue and actual horror can be seen as a major downside here, but I think parts of the movie work quite well, and although never scary, it does tension fairly well. The psychological aspects of the movie are by far my favorites, and it is a ride of a movie, even if it isn't always a fun or enjoyable one.

I seem to be praising this movie a lot, but despite the artistry and everything else about it that I liked, I found this movie hard to focus on at times. The lack of dialogue, characters, or plot really made this one a much longer movie for me than it should have been. I was more often confused than anything else, and I came out of this film with a bad taste in my mouth. I really wouldn't recommend it unless the premise sounds incredibly fascinating. It's an artistic film, I'll give it that, but for what end? I have no idea.

Look, if you don't know anything about The Sixth Sense, you shouldn't even be reading this blog. It's as near to a classic horror film as the 1990s can offer. Bruce Willis and Haley Joel Osment are nearly pitch perfect in their roles as respectively a child psychologist and a troubled young boy. I won't spoil this movie on the crazy off-chance you've never heard of it. I have no idea how you wouldn't know about it, but... I'd rather be safe... and it's about as good a twist as a twist can be. I actually saw this movie in theatres back when it was actually in theatres, so I actually experienced the twist first hand.

Anyway, I haven't seen the movie since that time I saw it in the movie theatre. And while I liked it when I was ten, I had no idea what I would think about it at twenty-three. I think I love this movie even more now than I did then. I certainly appreciate it a lot more now. The acting is incredibly solid, easily one of the better performances from every actor in the production that I have ever seen. The plot is consistent and very good all around, and the writing is pretty spot-on. While I think the dialogue is a little clunky at times, and the directing can sometimes be shock-and-awe over consistency if that makes any sense at all, M. Night Shyamalan does a great job all around. This twist made him the master of twists for a time, even if that time didn't last for long. He was a master nonetheless and this movie stands as testament to that mastery over the artform of movie-making.

I don't even know what else to say. I love this movie. Everybody, horror fan or not, should watch it at least once in their lifetimes. It is brilliant and beautiful and needs to be enjoyed by everyone. I wish I could add more, but I think everything about this movie has already been said. I really liked it, and that's all there is.

Movie Appraisal: The Deaths of Ian Stone (2007)

The Deaths of Ian Stone surprised me. I was honestly not expecting to like this movie very much. Sad, but true. I don't like being biased against films when watching them, but I was certainly biased against this one. Maybe it was because the main character's name is Ian Stone and he looks like the exact opposite of any person I could ever even hope to like. He looks like a prick. Boy does he look like prick. Maybe it's because from the way the film was shot I really expected to find myself making fun of the movie rather than enjoying it... but... BUT!!!!!

I liked it a lot. I really thought that it was a breath of fresh air when compared to some of the Japanese horror movies I've been watching lately. Say what you will about Western Horror as a genre (and I certainly have a lot to say about it) but when it works it really does work. Now, part of it is that things actually happen in this film. It's not all about a slow buildup with little to no payoff. No, this has the gore, the excitement, the thrills, and I couldn't have been happier. It blew me away with a lot more of everything than I ever would have expected.

Now, admittedly, I have a pretty huge tolerance for bad films, but I really didn't think this was a bad film, more like it was very similar to other films and... enjoyable despite everything it had going against it. That's the keyword here: enjoyable. This movie was fun to watch, which is quite the compliment when most movies I watch are either boring, predictable, or just plain rubbish... or just so mediocre that I can't even really find insults to throw at them. The Deaths of Ian Stone was not predictable. It had a plot. It was a weird plot, granted, but it was a plot that moved and existed. It had characters that were meaningful and even felt real at times. It even had horror movie THINGS in it! It was even a little disturbing and creepy for a few seconds! I couldn't imagine giving the film more stellar praise than that! Dario Piana directed a film which actually is kind of a horror movie! YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!

I kid.

No, seriously, I'm not kidding at all. I've been watching Japanese horror or fairly bland horror movies for the better part of two months at the moment of writing this review, and this is really a breath of fresh air (Well, this movie and They Live! but that movie is already one of the best films ever made, so... yeah.).

Is this a great movie? No, but it works as both a horror movie and a narrative. The characters are surprisingly well executed. The actors do a fantastic job. The visuals are pretty well done too. I mean, I do have some complaints, but this is such a competent film that does what it attempts to do very well. So, first off, I recommend it even if it isn't your style. As long as you enjoy kind of stupid horror with a plot, you'll probably like this well enough.

Now, what style is the film? Well, it's an odd mash-up. I was thinking a very dark The Truman Show for about half of the movie. It also reminds me of a horror version of The Matrix, or maybe more fittingly, an actually engaging Dark City. Look, I hate Dark City by the way, and The Deaths of Ian Stone actually is so much better than Dark City that Dark City should be incredibly embarrassed with itself for being one of the worst movies I've ever seen. The Deaths of Ian Stone has basically a similar plot to Dark City, but its flow, its characters, its everything is so much better. I mean, Dark City infuriated me, making me feel almost idiotic for not liking it. I felt like it was talking down to me, and I can't stand that. It was a movie I should have loved. Noir mixed with horror mixed with intelligent thought and weird occurrences? Yeah, I should have liked that... but when the first vampire thing showed up the movie just lost me... The Deaths of Ian Stone, on the other hand, drew me in enough before its (odd, but strangely interesting) reveal that I actually enjoyed the reveal. It was well set-up, well executed, and well done in general. That's more than I will ever say about freaking Dark City.

So, there are these "Harvesters" and they feed on fear and pain and death and such. Okay, it sounds like those blighters from Harry Potter, the Dementers from the prison, but I have an inkling the idea of these things existed long before Harry Potter did. I didn't really like the visual design for the Harvesters, but I liked how they were introduced and executed. It was well done and I have no real complaints about their existence. At least the world wasn't actually on a rock floating in goddamn space...

Sorry, I'm still bitter...

Anyway, the movie is basically what it says on the tin: dude named Ian Stone dies a lot. Bam. We're done here. Let's pack it up and go home. That's a show.

Okay... all right... I guess I'm not done yet. Let me compose myself a little here. Thoughts of Dark City have made me grumpy.

Okay, well this dude named Ian Stone (played very well by Mike Vogel), who is an American living in Britain, goes through various lives and scenarios basically each day, dying through each life and also seeing the same group of people in each life and each day. As he finds himself in more and more lives he starts remembering the previous lives. (At the beginning of the movie he doesn't remember his previous lives immediately upon waking up with a new life. Later on he basically remembers everything right away.) Ian is a little confused by the whole thing and through the story we learn that he is to be killed by the Harvesters because of a memory he has within him. It's confusing, but is presented pretty well in the movie. It gets confusing at first, but then you remember the name of the movie and it gets a little clearer.

At the same time a girl named Jenny (played by Christina Cole) seems to hold the key to Ian's deaths and new lives while an odd older gentleman (played by Michael Feast) keeps showing up to tell Ian about what's going on. These stories converge when the gentleman, called "Gray," tells Ian that Ian himself is a Harvester, but no longer relies on pain, fear, or death because he fell in love, much like Gray did before. And Ian, the big softy, fell in love with Jenny, the girl who keeps showing up in his life, the girl who he keeps close to him in his various lives.

All throughout these odd revelations, a very creepy seductress Harvester named Medea (played by Jaime Murray) keeps trying to kill Ian... or at least make his life a living hell. Ian and Medea had a thing or something back in the day and she's a clingy broad and can't let go. Well, that and she's a little on the loony side. The chick is easily the scariest thing in the movie. Her expressions change so quickly that I'm surprised she doesn't get whiplash. She acts in such a way that her conviction is kind of as terrifying as her methods. I mean, the woman plays a great villain. I didn't expect that when first seeing the movie, but damn. DAMN. That's all I'll say on the matter.

The movie ends with the revelation that Ian killed an unkillable Harvester, and then he proceeds to hunt the rest of them down because that's how he rolls. The creepiness goes right out the window at that point, but I had a fun time watching him kill everybody, so I didn't mind so much.

I also enjoyed his demon Fabio hair. Human Ian has close cut hair. Harvester Ian has wonderful Fabio hair. I loved it. I loved that Fabio hair so much. I had such a question mark above my head when I saw it there, swaying to some unseen breeze like he was about to seduce everybody in the room with his ugly mug. I mean, how can you say no to hair like:

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my... Ian Stone, you are a sexy man. Please, take me now. TAKE EVERYONE NOW.

Seriously. There has to either be some sort of sense of humor here or a rather large oversight in this HORROR MOVIE. I shouldn't have been laughing. I shouldn't have been laughing so hard that I couldn't breath. I shouldn't have been crying with laughter to his Fabio hair. My vision was turning red. I was losing oxygen because I thought Fabio Harvester here was the funniest thing I think I've ever actually seen in a horror movie, especially a horror movie that was pretty good. I mean, even with this rather... insanely amusing image that's never leaving my head... seducing me in my weirdest and most awful nightmares... I still liked the movie. It was just an odd... no, no... more than odd... baffling design choice. Look at his puckered lips... those soft eyes locked so far into his head... and then his beautiful hair. I don't even know what things are anymore. Why do movies do this to me? Why do they make me feel like I've lost my own mind? I'm not imagining how funny this is, right? I mean, this is actually really, really, hilarious... I think? I don't want to be the only one laughing my brains out of my skull while everybody else just kind of stares at me while I giggle about corpse Fabio seducing the dead. Oh boy, I need to stop. I think I need a long rest...

Despite the rather... awful decision that Fabioed inside of my head, the movie was pretty good, often very enjoyable. I liked the atmosphere, the acting, even the horror... though the horror was few and far between. There were some thrills though and some gore, all of which were well done. The suspense is very well executed, and I found myself more than once wondering what would happen next. The movie wasn't predictable in the slightest, and that might be the best part about it. I did find that there seemed to be a few instances of really bad CGI though, mostly with the Harvester eyes, but it only occurred a few times and only irked me slightly.

Anyway, the movie has an effective use of shadows, even if it does turn less effective as the movie progresses. It feels like a horror movie especially in the beginning. It's never really scary though, except with Medea. She actually was quite the good terrifying villain. I would not want to deal with a chick like her. I mean, seriously, when she starts going at Ian, saying she doesn't enjoy hurting or killing him, I'm thinking, "Uh-huh... tell me another one, lady. You're definitely enjoying it a little with a smile like that on your face." Because of her and her alone the hospital scene is probably the most uncomfortable and real in the entire film. It is also probably my favorite scene. Easily the scariest and it does start getting pretty good and really meta in there, which I always enjoy. I don't understand why the evil characters get all Matrixed out in sunglasses and leather, but I rolled with it despite being confused and a little weirded out (I don't like The Matrix even slightly and found the design decision odd to say the least.). Medea looked good enough in red leather that I wasn't about to complain even though I kind of wanted to complain.

Anyway, I liked this one. Even if it isn't the best movie it made an impression on me. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, even Ian Stone's long flowing Harvester hair... no, especially Ian Stone's long flowing sexy Fabio hair. It's a movie I recommend, but realize that it's rough enough around the edges that some people may dislike it. I mean, I went into this expecting the worst, and I could certainly see other people getting the worst out of it, so take my recommendation with a fickle bit of doubt spread into your head. So... yeah. It was much better than absolutely awful which translates to me actually liking it quite a bit.

Movie Appraisal: Apartment 1303 (2007)

Apartment 1303 is yet another Japanese ghost tale set in some sort of apartment. It revolves around a restless spirit doing far too much damage for something incorporeal and unreal. And by my quickened tone and brisk pacing of the words you are reading at this very moment, you may be able to tell that I'm a little sick of the Japanese ghost story genre. They do this same kind of story far too often to be scary, thrilling, or fun anymore. When the only Japanese horror movie I had ever seen was The Ring and the original Ringu, I was perfectly fine. The movies both worked quite well, but now after watching countless Japanese horror movies, I find myself sick of young girls haunting and being murderous to other young girls. I know it's part of the mythology of Japan, part of the culture, but it makes for very uninteresting movies at times.

I mean, yes, some of the movies shake it up. The Ring movies pioneered the genre and were really special because of that. A few of the movies of this type I've been more positive on (like The Haunted Apartments) are good because they do change things up, maybe changing the tone or having some kind of twist or something... but I'm finding myself getting bored by these movies, being able to tell everything that will happen from beginning to end, yawning endlessly because I want to see something creative, something different... something meaningful. Is that so much to ask? I guess it must be.

Oh boy. This movie tells the story of a haunted apartment. If you could here my voice right now reading these sentences to you, it would be as if I were falling asleep and dying a little bit with every passing word. Keep that in mind. The apartment is haunted and young women just keep dying. Every time one of them dies, it's incredibly obvious that that particular girl is going to die. They just jump for some reason off of the thirteenth floor and nobody ever really tries to stop them or anything. Nope. These girls are too wily and too fast. No man can even hope to restrain a small Japanese girl. I'm sorry if I'm being a little offensive here, but there has to be some element of reality here. A ghost isn't just going to make a chick commit suicide (kind of?) right in front of her friends or significant other. A ghost will drive the girl mad over time, having her jump while she's both alone and vulnerable. Having it happen in full view of other people makes the suicide less shocking and sillier than it has any right to be.

There are some shocking moments in the film, and yes, it can be somewhat creepy when it isn't obvious and predictable, but it has trouble staying consistent. The plot is so easy to predict that it's absolutely laughable. I could predict jump scares and crazy scenes, moments of blood, or whatever else... and it really took away from any immersion I could have had in this movie. All I wanted to do was curl up and fall asleep because the movie was so much less interesting than anything else.

...fine... I'm being a little harsh here, but I'm going through a lot with these movies, okay? This movie in particular put me through hell by reminding me of 1408, one of my favorite horror stories and horror movies, but being terrible in basically every way that 1408 is good. Hell, even the wall crumbling bits at the end were worse in this film. And the death/suicide scenes were so much less shocking and so much schlockier. That's a word now by the way. A comparative of schlocky, which is the adjective form of schlock. Oh boy, when will this movie get out of my brain?

The ending was awful, making the entire movie pointless. It was needlessly confusing at points. The acting was inconsistent, with some actors doing okay and others going over-the-top. The ghosts are never scary despite the fact that they are MURDEROUS GHOSTS, POSSESSING GIRLS AND MAKING THEM PLUMMET TO THEIR DEATHS. Those kind of entities should be the MOST terrifying rather than silly and hard to take seriously.

The direction of the film, by Ataru Oikawa, is pretty decent though despite my complaints. The deaths scenes are pretty horrid, but the movie has very good lighting for its genre, and if there were no noises in the film, no voices, no awkward sounds, etc. I could see the film being quite effective for the little tension it does have. Some of the gorier effects are also well done, especially of note is the chewed-on bloody bottle that becomes a minor plot point. I found myself kind of shying away from that image, finding it fairly well done.

The story though is... well, not good. It involves an abusive mother and her daughter. The daughter eventually kills the mother, then as she's about to lose everything, she kills herself. The mother's body, for some reason, isn't found until after the girl's suicide. You'd think it would smell or something... Then a series of girls move into the apartment. The ones that have the apartment as their first place of living once they leave home soon find themselves dead, killed by the jealous girl who could never get out from under her mother's thumb, in life or in death. The main character of the movie, Mariko, eventually is introduced as the sister of one of the false protagonists in the beginning of the film, Sayaka. Sayaka has killed herself by jumping from the balcony of the apartment while her friends and boyfriend look on with horror on their faces. Mariko investigates, eventually finding out the truth with the help of a friendly (and kind of creepy in a weird pervert way) detective. (Maybe it's just me. He gave me a weird vibe in the movie.) Mariko finds some common ground with the ghost girl in that they have similar relationships with their mothers, but all of that is for nothing. All of Mariko's character development, all of the searching for the plot... yeah, that's all meaningless the second Mariko is killed by the ghost and all of her knowledge dies with her.

I don't even want to talk about this movie anymore. It's not a bad movie necessarily, and some might even really enjoy it. It does have quality to it despite my complaints, but I almost dislike this movie viscerally, finding most of it unimaginative and utterly devoid of any emotions from any of the characters. It's the same as so many other Japanese ghost horror movies, and I'm sick to death of watching these kinds of movies. I don't suspect I'll be watching too many more unless there are some that really switch up the formulaic approach that most of these movies take. I can't and won't recommend this movie. Go watch 1408 for a better movie with a similar plot. Go watch The Haunted Apartments if you want an utterly better Japanese ghost story that has to do with apartments... if that's your thing. I mean, it's an oddly specific genre to like, but I won't judge. I love space horror movies that take place in space, on a spaceship, and psychological horror that involves little to no psychology. I'm not one to judge.

Movie Appraisal: The Mist (2007)

Well, here's another Stephen King horror movie, this time brought to us by Frank Darabont, who had previously directed such great Stephen King prison films like The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile. This is not a prison film. This is not set in the past. This is a film that is completely against Frank Darabont's strengths... and it shows.

Now, that doesn't mean that I hate this film. I actually like it a decent amount. It's an interesting film with quite a few decent set-pieces to it. I also love the source material of "The Mist", the novella that Stephen King wrote, and this movie is a fairly good adaptation of that novella, although it does make the entire story feel more like a social experiment... and... well, the ending isn't painful to watch in the novella.

Altogether, this is Lovecraftian horror at its finest. With nameless abominations and an all-consuming mist, permeating the world that is in the movie, it is a story about despair and unreasonable things. The social interactions show a lot about human nature, from religion to bravery to cowardice. Survival in the main instinct shown and everybody in the film is vying for it for themselves. There are sacrifices and unbelievers, but the main goal is always survival, maybe not for a single person, maybe for the human race... or maybe just for one. It may depend on the selfishness of the character.

The Mist is not the best film in the world. In fact, it's fairly rough in general. The acting is never really there. It never gets to a level that one can brag about. It's always close to the mark, but never really hits it. The CGI, at times, can be brilliant, and at other times, especially in the store room of the grocery store early in the film, it can be painful to watch. It has such a rough cut to it, and looks so obviously fake, and well... it's hard to justify that. The practical effects look much better on the whole, but the pterodactyl monsters and the  big daddy at the end of the film are done really well with CGI, and happen to be some of my favorite parts of the film.

It is an atmospheric film for the most part, but undermines itself constantly with needless dialogue, insipid and sometimes stereotypical characters, and with a plot that is barely existent. In some ways this is the first movie in the vein of a survival horror video game that wasn't based on a survival horror video game. Instead the original story gave rise to many of them, being the partial inspiration to video games like Silent Hill and Half-Life, both fantastic games that capture the feeling of the story itself with having some of the worst parts of this movie.

Is this movie good? Not really... but I can't call it horrible either. While it's never scary and the ending is horrible and should be avoided at all costs, the movie itself is fairly solid, having decent acting performances by many relatively unknown actors, and a decent plot to fall back upon. The creatures, the mist itself, and the social ramifications of the two really make this movie, but they made the story itself better. Imagination is often much more horrifying than CGI, and the point is proven in this movie.

I wouldn't recommend it, but I wouldn't say avoid it at all costs either. It's a decent way to waste time if you have time to waste, but I wouldn't go out of my way to ever watch it again. Fun, but forgettable.

Movie Appraisal: Dreamland (2007)

Okay... okay...

Okay.

Hmmm.

Well, this is certainly a movie that was made and it has characters in it. I'm relatively certain about those things. Everything else though... Well, those things are up in the air. The title of this movie is appropriate. Most of the movie is very dreamlike and incredibly weird. Dreamland is directed by James P. Lay, written by James P. Lay, Kenny Saylors, and Kyle Saylors, and stars Jackie Kreisler, Shane Elliot, and Jonathan Breck.

I had actually first seen this movie not long after it came out three or four years ago when I was binging on every type of horror movie I could find. I watched this, cocked my head to one side, narrowed my eyes, and proceeded to not understand. The movie certainly stayed with me, probably because of its more nonsensical nature compared to many other movies that I watched at the same time. Sure, some of the movies were strange, Reeker stands out, as does a Japanese film that I can't remember the name of that revolves around the apocalypse or a quarantine or something... but this film was one of the last ones that I watched during that binge and I did not understand much of it. Honestly I even forgot its name entirely in the ensuing years, having it only come back to me when I actively sought to find this movie and stumbled upon a description that read, "This movie has Hitler propaganda playing on the radio and also Hitler... and it's a modern day horror film involving Area 51." I'm paraphrasing, but not by much. I instantly said to myself, "Yes, that is the film I have been hunting for these last two years!" Then I proceeded to find it and watch it again, for this blog, and for the people, you people, you crazy, creepy, weird, and somehow incredibly awesome people, who somehow, through no fault of my own, found this blog and have either read simply this one article or many others. I went and did this for you, and I feel that everybody should be grateful for this.

I've heard and seen a lot of people get to this blog by searching what particular movies mean, or their interpretations, and maybe I haven't done as much interpreting as I should have been. I may even go back and interpret and reassess some of the denser or harder to understand movies that I have watched. The Objective stands out as a weird one that nobody really seems to understand. Well, call this an experiment. In addition to reviewing this movie, I will also attempt, to the best of my ability, to interpret meanings out of it. I do this for my literate audience, as well as for myself, because this review will not be possible for me to do without heavy interpretation on my side. There is this caveat that I will put out here though: This is all purely subjective on my part. I have no idea what the filmmaker and the writers intended for this movie. I am only going by what I've taken in through this film medium. If you disagree, I will heartily listen to what you think even if it does not change my opinion. If you have seen the movie and agree, let me know. So, this is an experiment, but, I believe, one that is with merit. I will try my damnedest to parse this movie, even if that means that I have to rip it apart and put it back together again.

So, here goes nothing.

So, the first scene starts out dreamlike. The clown doll's eyes move. Music sounds almost like an organ, church music? It's Nevada, 1973. Snowglobe in the man's hand, light from a UFO or simply a flashlight? Yells “get down!”? it seems, but the snowglobe doesn't break when it falls from his hand. Music is pretty decent to start off with. Intro sequence is reminiscent of a very science fiction type of media. Hyperspace from Star Wars or the whole thing that Doctor Who does.

Then a girl wakes up after dreaming about the title sequence. She seems a little freaked out. I would be too if I were traveling around hyperspace with names floating through the ether (or lack thereof). Her boyfriend is foaming at the mouth (Literally). He's having a seizure. It's now Present Day. 

“You didn't touch me, right?” “Of course not.” I guess you're not supposed to touch people having seizures? The lamp is on the floor from the seizure. Girl is younger and certainly not terrible looking. She's in sleep clothes. Takes some pills. More than one kind. And then she smokes. She's not supposed to smoke. Hiding it from her boyfriend. They have to drive to her family's house (Foster Family). The sound effects of the rain are pretty decent and where I'm watching this right now, the power seems to be twitchy, so it's making the movie even more effective. Sweet little scene as they cuddle.

They're driving across the desert. Girl wakes up suddenly again with a gasp. Dylan=the boyfriend. Nevada. Megan=the girl. Plot device and bad acting of talking about the car not being in great condition. Government auction to buy "forty year old piece of shit car." She bought it. He's a dick. Girl in white behind a tree in the desert. Not her parents they're visiting but her foster parents. He wants to gamble because he's a dick. “We're FUCKing broke!” Why are they together when they seem to hate one another? Ah, he's a funny jerk who also seems to be a narcissist by calling himself extremely attractive. Well, at least she laughs and lightens up a bit.

They're still driving. She makes an ugly face for some reason and falls asleep. She dreams of some very obvious sci-fi imagery and a girl in white. And a face. Gasps awake again. “Are you okay?” Look, dude she's not... Oh, she's hungry. Suddenly it goes from the middle of the day to nighttime. Nevada isn't that big, no way that it should... well, maybe, I guess. I don't freaking live in Nevada, but I've driven out west before. Eight hours or so across the whole of Nebraska, longways. I don't think Nevada is wider at any point than Nebraska is at its widest. It's weird is what I'm saying.

The cinematography is good here though, at least. I like how the cool old black car blends into the darkness with only its lights showing. Why does old black car have electric windows? Or is there something about old, black cars that I don't understand? Did cars 40 years ago have power windows? I should ask that of somebody who knows cars. 

Okay... I just looked it up with my limited knowledge of automobiles... it looks like they did exist. I'm... kind of impressed actually. The first ones started to become decently prominent in the 1940s or so.

Dog with alien headband. Little AleInn. Bar full of dudes staring at Megan. All of them look fairly rural in nature. Younger and working class. Hat that says BEER in red letters. I can appreciate that. Nice older music, a 1950s styled bar, I assume. Uh...with aliens. OR ALEINNS. Bartender or... uh... the dude who runs the food... cafe... drinkin' and eatin' place! He seems nice enough. Yelling into the back, kind of awesome. Time warp theory? I'm interested since I hate time travel and abhor any mention of it in fiction because I think it is improperly handled constantly, but sure, nice bartender man, I would love to hear your very obviously intelligent theory on time warps. (Let's do the Time Warp!) You must know everything, being a tobacco eating bartender... oh no... wait, I'M JUDGING BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS! Groom Lake=Area 51. Roswell, NM 1947- UFO crash. 

The Grays Dylan makes a hideous joke. Dylan's a jerk. “The day it crashed, the papers reported it as a flying saucer.” “I love beer.” (Thank you, BEER hat man. I love you. You deserve all the Oscars.) Crashed Weather balloon. NO WEATHER BALLON, y'hear? Anti-matter proportion bullshit. Time Warp theory. (Let's do the Time Warp again!) 

Fantastic. Papoose Lake- get people to travel back and forth in time. Blake=bartender. Glen=BEER. Dylan=Jerk. Glen calls Megan "Topheavy" (I can see it.) and makes a fairly sexual innuendo. Dylan is not happy about this development. Megan throws some amber liquid in Glen's face. I... uh... think it's... BEER? But I have no idea why he's wincing in pain. Blake stops them before they get into a fight. Locals don't like visitors and Glen is going to do something to their car. Thunderstorm over the mountains. He's about to slash their tire when he gets abducted by a bright white light of thunder. (Let's do the Time Warp!)

DIS? Blake finds Glen's knife and a rapidly running away bunch of clouds and... seems unsurprised? Truck pulls up. Department of Internal Security. Blake gets weird around Megan for some reason. NO clue why. He was just talking to her fine then suddenly he's Bashy McBashful. Blake talks about the DIS as people step out of the truck onto cigarette. Ominous much?

They walk out of restaurant. Government agents? A flash that Megan points out. Blake talks to the Government agents, but it makes little to no sense. “Pretty dead.” “Funny.” “Have you seen 'em?” These seem relevant, but I can't see how right now. Music is odd in the entire scene. It doesn't quite fit. It's a little too silly. This scene never makes any sense and I have no idea why it's in the film at all.

Driving scene. I like how they start filming it. The dark road at night is reminiscent of Lost Highway. I like that. They don't have much chemistry, these two. Their very flat towards one another, like they barely know each other. Dylan's still a jerk. Megan has rage issues. REAL BAD RAGE ISSUES. Dylan's just a jerk. I guess I can't blame her. He doesn't care. You're a jerk, Dylan. Oh no, they're screaming at each other and he just pointed out her rage issues. Well, she is constantly yelling at her jerk of a boyfriend. Starts playing music, but the radio sucks and it hits weird static and then Hitler's speech to the 1936 Olympic games. Why do both characters act so dumb?

OH NO. Car dies. Does this girl get angry about everything? She's a... I'm not even going to say. THIS BLOG IS PG RATED. Dylan is an idiot and a jerk. Wonderful... I think Megan is supposed to be the smarter of the two, but... uh... she kind of sounds like a ditz. It's hard to take her seriously, and the acting is not... well, it's not pleasant to watch. The yelling is pretty well done though. Dylan gets pissed and Megan gets all naggy... and then... a sound comes from behind the car. I like some of the shots here. It's kind of suspenseful. And then somebody bangs on the car and they run and scream. Not terrible. They run and Dylan faints and has a seizure. Car turns on as Megan tries to help Dylan. Tries to run them down. Car door opens as Hitler plays in the background. Backs up as Megan runs away leaving Dylan behind.

A voice calls out her name as “Crazy” by Patsy Cline plays in the background. The shots are really strange, changing perspectives as something says and calls out her name. Little girl calls out her name and then she sees the girl in the white dress. (Little girls are not scary.) Dylan wakes up to find car over him. Door opens as undead Hitler (YES YES YES YES YES THIS IS WHAT I NEED MORE OF IN MY LIFE) says his speech and drives the car after the fleeing Dylan, who flees right into the desert.

Megan at abandoned construction site? Why is she yelling for Dylan? She left him behind to die, remember? I remember. She doesn't seem to remember. Stop being stupid, Megan! Oh no, it's the husk of a building and blood from Glen AND his rockin' BEER hat. RIP BEER hat. Stuff starts shaking after she sees Glen's body above her, dripping blood. Crazy bespectacled older dude is watching her kind of obviously. What's he doing watching her? She runs.

Guy is near a truck talking in a weird whispering kind of voice, calling for a medic for help. His leg is gone. He looks kind of like he's made of lights and tubes and from a television. It's hard to explain. It's similar to the transmission people from the 1408 movie. He sees Megan and asks for her help, but she freaks out and gets out of there. Another shadow, unseen, comes up to army man. Rachel is the little white dress girl. She confronts Megan and asks her name. Megan doesn't believe it's real, then meets up with Hitler calling out her name. “Megan, you are not who you are.” I think that's the line. Dylan's a jerk even when looking for his girlfriend. Dude, you're not getting any sympathy from me.

AREA 51. That is all.

Rachel appears again scaring Megan and the clouds come for Dylan. Bad, bad special effects. Like The Objective bad. Flashlight still flashes, but Dylan just got vaporized. He's now anti-Dylan or A-Dylan. You can tell because he looks more serious and less like he's going to call her a raging witch constantly. His voice has weird inflections. Like an alien. He's phonebooking it. AND then he glows... oh, boy... this is a hard movie to get through... It's not exactly pleasant to watch... plus, at this point the whole thing is kind of straightforward so far. Yes, there are some weird and kooky things, but there's nothing happening that we have an obvious explanation for yet except for the "Time Shenanigans!" response.

Oh, now he's not glowing anymore. He must have pushed the off switch. This isn't Dylan; he's not being the biggest jerk! Can't you see that, woman? She starts freaking out like a crazy person where he is perfectly calm. I have no idea which character I'm supposed to be on the side of. Am I supposed to be thinking that she is the protagonist? Or Anti-Dylan? She gets in the car. Then he drives the car away and does some crazy time shenanigans. Wait, I thought he knew nothing about cars... Why would she believe that he could fix anything? Especially in a car that was turned on by something inexplicable. 

No... Megan's just stupid.

The radio makes some weird noises and Megan looks like she's about to freak out again. Her previously jerkish boyfriend tries to calm her down. Elvis is on the radio? Moving through time? She doesn't know that Elvis is dead. But Elvis isn't on the radio. It's that same song from before. They pull up to the diner again, but it's locked and closed. Megan's twitchy like a drug addict. Blake answers.

Megan has meds because of strange dreams. A-Dylan is supposed to be evil the way he stares at Blake. Ah, Rachel, Nevada is represented by the little girl in the white dress named Rachel. Or she's named after it... or it after her? I have no idea. I think the former. 

Dream sequence. And now she realizes that Dylan is an idiot who doesn't know how to work on cars. She takes a cigarette. Hat on top of an alien plushie is called “Blake” and Megan starts freaking out again. She then sees a donation bucket for the Rachel's eighth birthday and an article with the little girl named Rachel that she saw. Rachel is Blake's sister and she's “been gone a long time.” She then sees his apron which says “Dreamland” on it after quickly speaking about her issues or lack thereof, and she asks Blake about Dreamland and the lights go out. A-Dylan's gone. Blake goes to check on the circuit breaker. Megan runs off. She hides in the truck of the government men, while Blake fixes the circuit breaker. Somebody pulls on the truck door that Megan's hiding in and then scares her with a fake alien mask. It's a kid messing with tourists.

Seriously? Movie, you just pulled that? I can't even take you seriously after that BS.

Blake drinks and the radio changes. Same song as twice before. A-Dylan is behind Blake suddenly asking where Megan is. A-Dylan is no longer behind Blake as he turns around. Kind of creepy. She's hiding and A-Dylan finds her. She's... uh... not good at hiding... at all. They drive away again. A-Dylan is jerk-lite. I kind of like him more than regular Dylan. He even has a sweet moment with her as he says "You know I love you, right?", but she doesn't answer him. 

Oh no, he's lying to her because he said with hyperbole that they could make it to Maine on one tank of gas! He's obviously an imposter and up to no good... even though he's arguably a better person who is no longer an absolute jerk to her. She hasn't even raised her voice once to him. But no, the car is on full and he's a transparent liar and EVIL EVIL EVIL. Obviously.

And she catches him with his not hating cigarettes like Dylan does. Yes, now that he allows you to do what you want, he must obviously be the worst person in existence. No key in the ignition either. This guy is magic, so much better than the real Dylan, and you're complaining? What the hell is he going to do? He hasn't done anything wrong! He hasn't even tried to hurt you! If anything, he's been a perfect gentleman who seriously loves you. What is wrong with you, Megan?

Well, she attacks him (EVIL EVIL), he turns glowy and stops her and she screams. A glowy-eyed man steps out into the road. A-Dylan stops the car and Megan runs into the desert yet again. Glowy-eyed man looks into car, but sees no A-Dylan.

Hitler talks to Megan again, telling her that he knows who she is. She meets the army man again. Her flashlight goes out. And she sees Rachel again who tells her to follow her. She finds a house and some articles. Dreamland, government experimenting with time travel. Parallel universes. Eye color changes. Missing persons, government agents. Disappeared people. The astrophysicist's house. He took a picture of her and Dylan. She's hiding from him as he comes into his own house. She runs out and her phone rings with no service. It's Rachel calling to tell her A-Dylan's behind her. 

“There's nothing out there for you except a dream you can't wake up from.” "There's no such thing as time.” “There's no such thing as this place.” “There's no such thing as you.” “Megan's a figment of her own imagination.” These are all delivered by A-Dylan and they are the best of the movie. It's probably the best scene in the entire movie. Creepy and mostly well done.

Blake and A-Dylan stare off at one another as Blake inexplicably shows up where Megan and A-Dylan are... somehow... A-Dylan disappears like he first appeared and Blake asks Megan to come with him. She follows. They end up at a badly CGIed place... kind of like a plane with some kind of symbol on it. She says that she's scared and Blake leaves telling her that she'll be okay. Then she's called Rachel by the astrophysicist, who was at the beginning of the movie. He walks to her. “I loved you.” Okay? I guess he doesn't love her anymore? 

Montage of her being hinted at being a different person. RACHEL. SHE's RACHEL. That was so obvious that it sickens me.

Then the flashback from the beginning of the movie plays with the lights through the window being government men. Then Dr. Niedlander disappears. And Dylan is a government man who finds the baby Megan/Rachel. “I know who you are.”

I... I don't even... I don't even know where to begin. Without the ending this could be a simple parallel universes/time travel movie, but the ending literally confuses me to no end. I assume she (Rachel/Megan) goes back in time and instead of disappearing she stays with her family? Or is it that the baby Rachel dreamed everything up, including her being with Dylan? Is that why there is no sexual content, because babies don't know what sex is? Maybe that's why she sleeps so much too? Or is she remembering everything about her childhood and baby-life (You can't remember that far back. It's scientifically impossible to have those memories.) and remembering them as she meets her father? I mean, I assume at this point that people taken in the light either cease to exist, are replaced by a parallel universe counterpart, or exist later on as just figments of character's imaginations or some such thing. Why Dylan appears to the baby Rachel at the end of the movie is incredibly confusing for me. I have no idea why that happens. Was he brought back in time by the light and clouds time warp (Let's do the Time Warp Again!) and replaces one of the agents? Does that change history because he knows that Rachel and Megan are the same person? Does he know that?

Okay, here are the facts: time travel and time warps are involved. Megan and Rachel are the same person. Blake is her brother and Dr. Niedlander is her father. Dylan may or may not be Megan's boyfriend. Since the movie ends with Dr. Niedlander's disappearance and Rachel doesn't disappear until she's eight, does that mean that history will repeat itself? Blake told A-Dylan "Not this time." or something like that in regards to repeating stuff. Does that mean that somehow Blake or Megan/Rachel prevented everything? Does Megan still exist or is she officially the baby now?

Part of the problem with this film is that we as the audience are not given enough information to even start bringing out credible theories, never mind hair-brained ones. This movie is never good enough, put together well enough, shot well enough, or written well enough to make sense on anything but the most cursory of levels. Thinking about the film and trying to put it together is incredibly difficult if not impossible because important puzzle pieces are missing to this already very short film.

My interpretation isn't exactly bold or even right at all. I think the film either showed an alternate timeline/universe with Megan in it being fostered and having Dylan as a boyfriend... for some reason... but it explains so little. Why does he have seizures? Why does she have flashbacks to Dylan's face from when she's a baby if he didn't exist back then at all? And if he did exist back then, then what the hell is he going out with her for? He doesn't seem to remember stuff and he freaks out and acts normal like she does. I'm nitpicking now instead of interpreting.

The only explanation that makes sense is that the entire movie is from the baby Rachel's point of view... somehow from that five minute ending clip. She takes all that information and extrapolates a story onto it. It's a dumb theory, but it's literally the one that fits Occam's Razor the best. It is the simplest explanation that takes the least amount of thought or words to describe. Yes, I could go on a rant about time travel and parallel universes, but... we know of so little about that stuff that we can't extrapolate a plot from that... and maybe that's the real explanation here.

Maybe this movie is supposed to be convoluted and impossible to understand to mirror that time travel itself is infinitely complex and impossible for us to comprehend. Maybe this movie is just playing off of what we expect. Maybe it literally is the most complex explanation imaginable and we're meant to not have the information to explain it. That would be both ballsy and awesome on the filmmakers' parts. I would respect that. I doubt it's the case because the writing in here isn't that good by any means, but if that explanation is the real one, my liking of this movie grew exponentially.

Oh, or the story could be all about a troubled young woman who starts seeing things and getting paranoid and then running off into the desert and dying. I guess that's an explanation too... especially with all of the references to her dreams, her medications, and her very obvious issues. I guess it's an alternate explanation... if you don't like my others.

So, a tiny wrap-up here: this is not a movie I would recommend to anybody. It mostly isn't very good. It isn't scary. It doesn't use any science. It feels like scenes, especially running in the desert scenes are recycled and revisited time and time again, and frankly for a movie that is only a little more than an hour long, it feels incredibly long. Nothing really happens. The character's are underdeveloped and with little to actually like about them except BEER hat man (and only for his BEER hat) and Blake, who seems like a decent sort of fellow. The main two characters never feel real. They never felt like they should have even been together. The pacing is all off. The plot is literally incomprehensible. And besides a few jump scares and suspenseful moments (and undead Hitler), the movie doesn't even offer any really great atmospheric moments.

Altogether, I have no idea why this film was made. I have no idea what its purpose is or was supposed to be, and in the end it all falls very flat. I guess if my play-by-play descriptions of the movie aren't enough for you then you should check it out, but they should be. Be warned about this movie. It's not bad, but I guarantee you'll have a bad taste in your mouth by its ending.

Movie Appraisal: Dead Silence (2007)

Okay... well, this certainly was a movie. (I start with that line a lot, don't I?) It was... well, I guess it was kind of good, maybe? I think?

The pacing, for one, was all over the place. The fear and suspense could have been there, the story was certainly compelling enough in a fairy-tale kind of way, but the pacing just blew the whole thing to Hell. I guess that Dead Silence just felt like a movie that was all over the place. Yes, it uses an interesting premise and has creepy moments, but the plot is so convoluted and complicated that it gets confusing quickly. the characters as well are all kind of... well, just there. They exist, but they really have no personality. The main character... I can barely even remember what his personality was supposed to be like. He just seemed so bland. The dialogue was bland. Everything was bland except for the idea and the visuals.

And I did like the visuals. They reminded me of some creepy fairy-tale, and that was really cool. I don't really remember any other horror movie feeling quite so much like a fairy-tale... maybe Sauna, but Sauna was also much lighter (as in tones of the visuals, not subject-matter) than Dead Silence, which seemed altogether darker and grittier, but still felt very much like a fairy-tale... like Hansel and Gretel scared in the middle of the woods... maybe that's just what it made me think, but I did like it.

So, this movie involves ventriloquist dummies, ghosts, tongues being ripped out, and... uh... the "prefect" puppet. Uh... yeah... it involves the protagonist going back to his home and his hometown after his wife is murdered by a dummy that was sent in the mail. Yeah. I guess the whole quality of the movie is incredibly unrealistic, and maybe that's why I see it as fairy-tale logic. The protagonist is suspected of murdering his wife, BUT HE DIDN'T IT WAS A SUPERNATURAL GHOST-DUMMY-THING, YOU MORONS! WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? Oh, whoops... I seem to have forgotten my "Let's Go Ahead And Believe This Bull-Crap" Pills today.

The visuals are good and the film can be creepy at times, but the whole thing seems undermined by two things. The first is that the movie ends with A TWIST and THE TWIST is really kind of silly. I mean, I kind of liked it, but I can see most people rolling their eyes to it and they wouldn't be wrong. The second thing is that ghosts are silly and stupid and this was not an effective ghost movie in the slightest. Okay, that's kind of partially my opinion, so let me re-phrase that: This movie does not use its ghost(s)/puppets in a logical or understandable way. They don't follow the rules. They don't follow any rules. They just do whatever they want to do. The main ghost, the old lady, Mary Shaw, is completely unstoppable. Now, yes, I know that there are entire horror franchises based upon having an antagonist not being able to be stopped, but those are not movie I like anyway. Slasher films are altogether kind of boring to me. I want to see character development, an arc, a plot that is more than just running away, searching around, and dying. Maybe that's too much to ask. Maybe I'm just too finicky, but I think that I should get that out of these movies. Give me something more than fairy-tale drivel in my horror films, please.

Did I like this film? I......... I guess? I'm not really sure. It wasn't terrible. It had some good scares, but felt... well, it felt soulless. It felt like it didn't have any passion to it, and maybe that's really my biggest problem rather than the nigh-unstoppable cursed ghost-thing or whatever the Hell it was. The acting was lackluster and completely forgettable. The plot had the ability to be good, but was bogged down by bad writing and absolutely horrid pacing, and there was nothing that really engaged me to this movie. I felt wholly removed from it, and I should never feel that way when watching a horror movie. I should be engrossed in it, feeling what the character's are feeling, jumping when they are jumping. When I feel the same thing that is on screen, then the horror movie, or the movie in general, has succeeded admirably, but this movie fell flat.

If you want something mindless which you will ultimately be disappointed with, go ahead and watch this movie, but if not, then it's no great loss if you don't see it.

Video Game Assessment: Mass Effect (2007)

Mass Effect is simultaneously a great game and a trainwreck. It is a beautiful game with terrible gameplay. It is rough around the edges with a diamond underneath. It has a wonderfully intricate story, but a haphazard and hard to understand world. It is the best of video games and yet it is a fleeting quality. It is one of the few roleplaying games that is hard to roleplay or even simply replay, but it does have an excellent story. How can a game be all of these things? I'll tell you.

Some people will blindly tell you that this game is a masterpiece without any hyperbole despite the migraine-inducing terror that the sidequests and the sheer brick of the background codex and lore information present. I guess I can't judge sidequests as equal to the mainquest stuff or can't say that mood-filling lore is necessarily a bad thing, but you want to know something, I will.

First, I'll start with the good: The characters in this game are absolutely fantastic as well as the settings and visuals. This is one of the most beautiful games I have ever seen and I really do enjoy simply looking at it. The characters look fairly realistic, easily better than most other games that I've played and/or seen and the actual graphics are just beautiful. There are no other words for it. Everything looks slick and shiny. The world looks better than real life even with some of the grit of real life too, making the scenery look even better with the realism coming with the fantasy. The characters all look and act like real people, and the alien characters are all really well done too, all basically being good answers to what aliens might be able to look like in a realistic science fiction world.

The science fiction here is well done. I'm not going to say fantastic because I don't think it really addressed the science without using the "Element Zero" argument, which is a bit of a cop-out science fiction-wise. It's much more of a Firefly/Star Wars kind of story than anything else. This game really reminds me of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic in almost a harsh way. It's a very similar world to Star Wars. The aliens kind of act the same, the universe is similar... Hell, even the story is pretty similar. There are Jedi substitutes in this game even if they don't have lightsabers to swing around. There are even similar "dark side" enemies. It's pretty ridiculous to see how much it takes from Star Wars. Not that it's a bad thing. It's works for the game and is pretty cool, but the taking so much from that series is still there.

So, now onto the negative and for all the positive things I've said, there are as many negatives. The positives do tend to outweigh the negatives, but they still certainly exist and are also incredibly headache inducing. The first big negative is the first one one would see in the game: the inventory system. It is a convoluted mess that took me the better part of an entire playthrough to actually understand. Sure, there is customization and strategy involved in many of the choices, but there thorough annoyingness for the player will just make the player wish they weren't there at all. In the second game of the series they went the exact opposite direction with customization, basically going passive-aggressive and skimping on weapons and armor to a ridiculous extent for an RPG. So, I claim that BioWare is a bit passive-aggressive when it comes to criticism.

Now, the whole weapon-armor issue is a kind of big deal, but nowhere as big as the sidequest issue. Now, I  liked this game a lot when it came to the story. It was really well done and engaging. I also, in games, tend to like doing a ton of sidequests as mood-fillers. I also use them to stock up on convoluted items and money and gels and everything else. I like that. I like doing sidequests. I've always been a 100% runner and that's what I like to do.  The sidequests in Mass Effect though are torturous. They're painful. I go and play the sidequests and they give me a headache. A game shouldn't give me a headache. Part of the problem is the infamous "Mako" space tank within the game that is fundamentally fun, but absolutely overused and really, when it comes down to it, not intuitive at all. The controls are wonky. The tank is not fun to play as. Exploration, although beautiful, is annoying, especially when most planets have a samey kind of look to them. Basically something that should be a small part of the game comes off as not only painful, but taking up way too much time for the rewards. So, a gameplay technique I've always employed and loved is basically punishing me. I don't like that. It took me out of the game. It made me want to play other games. Sidequests should never do that to a player. Seriously. Yes, they redesigned the sidequests for Mass Effect 2, but again, they went too far, basically taking all of the exploration out completely unless one doles out money for the DLC. What the Hell, BioWare? Why are you guys so passive-aggressive about criticism?

I will admit that the endgame is the best endgame I've ever played, bar none. It's fantastically well done, beautiful and memorable, and also flips the bird to all the terrible sidequests and gameplay one deals with throughout the game. Definitely worth it.

There's also a moral choice system within the game as well as origin story for the player character. They do tend to add customization, but ultimately are all really for nothing. They don't really change the game except in small aspects, so it's kind of a silly thing to add. There are also six classes to choose from, which is kind of neat, since half of them are hybrid classes of the usual "rogue"/"warrior"/"wizard" RPG classes. So, that's nice at least.

Anyway, Mass Effect is a good game with some bad elements to it. I like it myself, but still can't get over some of the bad elements in the game. This is one of the few games I came into this blog wanting to review because of it's great story and terrible execution. So, take my word on it, play at your own risk, but also realize it's one of the best stories and most beautiful graphics in games today, even if it does have a lot of issues with it.

Video Game Assessment: Portal (2007)

So, when I think of a wonderful and nearly perfect video game, Portal is it. I'm not going to go ranting and raving about how good this game is because every other reviewer worth anything has said the same thing. This game is amazingly fun. It's a puzzle game that's unlike anything you have ever seen before. It has amazing graphics, a wonderful pace, and an interesting story presented in an extremely memorable way.

Basically the point of the game is to go through a series of "test chambers" and complete puzzles while a female computerized voice (named GLaDOS) gives you advice and kind of helps you throughout the different chambers eventually leading to... well, I'm not going to spoil that...

The premise of the puzzles is that you have to use a gun that creates a "portal" between two different places in the chamber and use combinations of gravity, inertia, and general physics to solve the different puzzles.

Valve created this game and it does use the same kind of graphics and physics engine that Half-Life 2 does. It looks incredibly good and is an incredibly fun game to play. Its short length (I can beat it in about ninety minutes or so.) really does leave you wanting more, and not many games today do that. Most games seem to overstay their welcome while Portal doesn't in the slightest, which is probably why there is a sequel coming out soon... the demand for this type of game is huge.

I'm not going to say much more. If you haven't heard of this game, you really should look into it, and if you have then you don't need me to tell you how good it is. If you like games and haven't played this one, what the hell are you waiting for? If you don't like games, I still recommend trying Portal out. It's fun and intelligent, and really is one of the best video games out there PERIOD. I mean, it's an incredible game and needs to be seen to be truly believed.

This is one of my favorite video games. I really enjoy it. Check it out if you get the chance. Just remember that (I'm going to smack myself after saying these memes, but I think it will be worth it because this is a review dammit.) "the cake is a lie" and that you have to kill your best friend, the companion cube. Also, you're a monster.

There, are those enough memes? Can I stop now? Yeah, now you're thinking with portals...

Movie Appraisal: The Reaping (2007)

What is it with horror movies and little girls? Little girls are not scary. they have never been scary. I could punt a sixty pound girl and anything that can be punted is not scary. I'm sorry, but it's true. Sure, there can be a certain amount of unsettling imagery just as there can be with anything, but little girls are not frightening. The worst they could do is kick me in the shin and give me a bruise. That is not frightening. That is annoying. So, I guess what I'm saying is that these stupid movie-makers should realize that something so puntable is about as scary as a cute little hamster running around on a wheel-thing.

The plague aspect of the story is much better, unsettling and eerie. I usually don't like religious imagery because I had enough of it going through nine years of Catholic school, but most of the imagery here is pretty decent. I particularly like the red river towards the beginning of the film. It's a nice touch.

The story itself is a little ridiculous. It has to do with crazy Christian cults and appeasing the Devil and, I think, the Antichrist. All these movies seem like they have something to do with the Antichrist. I'm sorry for complaining about this, but the Antichrist isn't frightening either. It's just a silly thing that I don't care about. Most Antichrist stories are pretty ridiculous and I can't stand them.

This movie isn't bad, per se, but it's certainly not good. The imagery is mostly here. The acting is WAAAAAAAAAY over the top to the point of sometimes being a little ridiculous and incredibly unbelievable. The plot is convoluted and confusing, with way too many different plot points and no really enough time to explore any of them adequately. I don't know if this story has a point or if it's just silly for the sake of being silly. It seems to take the worst of the horror genre and mix it all together in a movie that is altogether forgettable and confusing.

Another thing I need to complain about is women ALWAYS having a starring role in these modern horror movies. I feel that a dude should get a starring role every once in a while, but no, it always seems that some half-naked chick is going to run around in all these horror movies bouncing up and down for a full forty minutes, and sure, maybe I'm not adequately man enough or something, but it's kind of disturbing. I don't want to have to watch that in a HORROR film. The problem is that horror films and gratuitous naked chicks seem to be side-by-side in this day and age and it's awful, just awful. Nakedness for the sake of nakedness is stupid. Why can't horror movies focus on horror and not some awful sexual perversion? It's so stupid. This movie isn't as blatant about it as some horror movies are, but it still has it and it's absolutely ridiculous.

The Reaping is... unsettling at points. I'll give it that much. But by the end of the movie it just becomes ridiculous. I watch that final plague come down and I just don't care. Let 'em all die, is the only though in my head. Let this stupid, awful movie end. Oh, and the special effects... damn the special effects... damn them to the furthest corners of whatever hell created them.

This movie is starting to make me angry. It wasn't at first. It didn't seem so bad at first, but with so many better movies out there and with this one stealing away my time forever, I become angry that I wasted my time with this insipid movie. The twists are awful. The acting is terrible. The scenery except for a few small exceptions is awful. The art style and directing are awful... truly awful cinematography. How did I manage to sit through this whole movie without throwing my chair through my television screen? I think I have greater willpower than I have ever known. I can't believe I made it through that whole movie.

This review started off calm and I didn't want to rip this movie apart, but this movie deserves it for the torment it has put me through. Hilary Swank is not going to save this movie by being the sexy action chick. I'm sorry, she just can't. The way she talks in this movie grates on my nerves, as if I'm hearing metal rubbing against a chalkboard continuously for three years of my life every time she opens her mouth and says something.

I feel as if I've aged thirty years in this ninety minute or so movie. Don't watch it, I beg you. Don't watch it or it will steal all the happiness from you and leave only the cold misery of knowing that this movie was ever made. Save yourself from that eternal torment. Be smarter than I. Don't allow yourself to ever watch The Reaping or you yourself will find yourself reaped. (And not in a good way.)

Movie Appraisal: Sublime (2007)

Sublime is a movie I've wanted to watch for a long time... mostly because of the poster. No, it's not because of the woman on the poster, or at least I don't think so. I always assumed it was because the poster was eye-catching or some such thing. Well, whatever the reason was, I finally had my chance to see this direct-to-video movie.

Creepy hospital? Check. Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge syndrome? Check. I already like this film long before I ever see it, but let's see what I really think, shall we?

The movie starts off like it's going to be a bad comedy. I'm not even kidding. What is it with horror movies trying to act like comedies nowadays? It's weird. I don't know. I recognize the main actor in the film as Tom Cavanagh, a guy who I've only ever seen in Scrubs before as a very small comic character. Wow, I think, this guy is going to carry this movie?

Well, it was a decent movie of the (kind of) psychological horror. My problem is that there didn't seem to be many psychological or horror aspects to it, which kind of defeats the purpose of that kind of movie, doesn't it?

Tom Cavanagh actually does a pretty good job in this movie playing George. Another few standouts of actors are Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs who played Mandingo and who was fantastic in one of the very few horrific parts of the entire film.

The movie's plot is all right as well, going on in the same kind of storyline as Jacob's Ladder for instance except inferior, very inferior, in every way. This movie couldn't have been better than it was though. With what the plot was and the pacing and whatnot, the movie was about as decent as it could be. I didn't expect better. I pretty much got what I thought I'd get out of it.

Sublime starts off slowly and really doesn't pick up the pace ever. The visuals are not great for this kind of movie, and the best part visually were the tattoos on two different characters and the meaning behind it.

The actual ending sucks quite a bit because nothing has been learned. There are no lessons, no real reason for what happens to happen except fear and... wanting to get away from the pain... unless some of the outside world came through George's unconscious mind, but the movie didn't show it as such.

Overall my impressions of this film are average. Jacob's Ladder is better. Go watch that one a million times before you think about watching this mediocre piece of forgettable story.