Movie Appraisal: Silent Hill (2006)

As can probably be inferred from my collection of horror genre reviews, I love horror, especially psychological horror. I've probably said that about a million times since I started this blog, but in this review it becomes apparent that I need to really need everybody to know that. Some of my favorite movies include the best of the psychological horror genre, including Jacob's Ladder, 1408, Sauna: Wash Your Sins. There are other good ones like The Machinist and The Dark, but there is a very clear distinction between good psychological horror movies and bad ones.

Part of the problem with any psychological movie (even without the horror) is that characterizations are difficult to do with the limited amount of time. Also using actual psychology- memories, ideas, and such-becomes increasingly difficult when the filmmakers know nothing about psychology. Sure, a good movie can still be made, but not a good psychological movie. One of the reasons I like movies like that so much is because of how difficult they are to make and the challenge of actually succeeding with them by making a clearly effective and sometimes terrifying film.

The Silent Hill series is also one of my favorite video game series of all time. I would love to review more Silent Hill games, but I also want to pace myself, really do them during my October Nights every day horror review schedule for next year. My point here is that Silent Hill is amazing for the most part. It does psychological and survival horror extremely well, terrifying the pants off of anybody who plays them. Anybody who has ever taken the time to play Silent Hill 2, for example, know that it is easily the scariest video game of all time. That's what this series has to offer, quality horror, often psychological horror, and often debilitating to the player.

God help me, I love the Silent Hill series, so when this movie Silent Hill, came out in 2006 when I was all of 17. I wanted to see it. I was dying to see it. I knew everything about the franchise, knew the characters, knew the monsters, knew the horror. I was in the mood to be terrified by this movie.

But I really wasn't. It's not that it was bad. It probably stands as one of the best movies from a video game source ever made, but the problem was that it was incredibly mediocre and not scary. There were no terrifying parts, no tension, no... anything. The acting was mediocre except from Sean Bean who is consistently awesome, but criminally underused in this film. Why couldn't he have been the protagonist and really had the video game this movie was made from really be made into a movie? (Silent Hill, the video game, had a male protagonist and the movie used the same storyline with a female protagonist. It didn't work well.)

The actors in this movie were... well, mediocre. Sure, Sean Bean is always great, but Radha Mitchell was frankly terrible. I don't know if it was her lines or her acting, but she never really seemed like a concerned mother, but rather more like a person reading from a text book. Laurie Holden, a good actress by the other things I've seen her in, is also underused here, being good in the scenes she's in, but not used enough to be effective. Alice Krige is effective in points, but silly and unneeded in the story. Where did Dr. Kaufmann from the video game go? Why is the character of Dahlia (Deborah Kara Unger) relegated to side character status?

And then there's Jodelle Ferland, who actually does do a good job as a creepy child/innocent child, but really should have been in a better movie than this to justify her performance.

The psychological elements in this film are terrible. Characters like Pyramid Head, called the Red Pyramid in the movie, is blatantly used for... no reason at all except that he's recognizable and iconic. In Silent Hill 2 he serves a purpose as both executioner and punisher, but here he is shoehorned into a few scenes for no other reason than to show up in the film and be on the posters. WHY? Why would a franchise that focuses on such powerful psychological elements criminally misuse psychological elements? Why are there sexy nurses? Why? Seriously. Sexy nurses were in Silent Hill 2 and were well-explained. Before that there were nurses, but they were monstrous, not sexy, which made sense to the game. Silent Hill, the video game, made a clear source of where the psychology comes from and how it is used. The nurses were from Alessa and her basically being trapped in a hospital. They were warped reminders of her terror and fear of where she was. Why are they sexy? It makes no sense.

There are other monsters to complain about, but that's all I'm going to say. Some things were interesting and not so terrible, like Colin, although even that was for a few seconds and mostly terrible. The bugs were silly. And here's the grossest misuse of the movie: The miners and the cult. Oh, dear God, the miners and the cult made me want to rage-quit the movie. For where they are, sure the miners make sense, I guess, but what about the stupid Christian cult? Where did the video game cult go? Why is it Christianized? I mean, yes, the cult is seriously one of the worst parts of the video games, but at least use it. Don't change it to crazy fundamental Christians and use witch burning and stuff. It's insulting and frankly terrible.

Now for some good points. The end of the movie is really well done. I found it enjoyable. The gore might be a little much at points, but the whole ending is both poignant at times and pretty hardcore at other times. The end of the movie is really original, not taking much from the video game, and that works. It's pretty cool. I love the grainy filters over the flashbacks and I wish the whole movie could have looked like that. I like the use of darkness and light in the ending and the visuals are altogether really well done. Even the acting seems better in the end.

The problem is that the rest of the film is pretty bad. The pacing is bad. The psychology is bad. The acting isn't good. Even the scenery, something that should not have been problematic, looks terrible. The visuals frankly suck even when the Silent Hill franchise is known for their amazing, terrifying visuals.

I'm not exactly in the group of some people who absolutely hate this movie, but I do think it's absolutely mediocre and forgettable. The Dark, a movie from 2005, and one I'll probably review eventually, basically follows almost the exact same plot as this movie, but with better acting, a better story, a better and more confusing and ambiguous ending, and more Sean Bean, which is always a good thing. The psychology to that move is fantastic, even if the movie isn't absolutely stunning. But I'll review that when I review it.

One more thing I'll mention about Silent Hill is that my girlfriend, a person who has never seen a horror movie before, was not afraid of this movie. She kind of just shrugged it off, saying that the only part that actually scared her was the gore, which happens for all of twenty seconds. She also hated the persistent CGI throughout the movie... and now mentioning that...

The persistent CGI throughout the movie is terrible. The transitions between worlds, the monsters, some of the visuals, etc... all look terrible with the CGI. It's painful to watch and I would have much rather had people in costumes and a transition in the character's sleep instead, like in the Silent Hill games.

There's a lot wrong here, and my biggest problem with the movie isn't even the movie itself, but rather that the next game, Silent Hill: Homecoming, used so much from the movie, that had taken from the earlier games, that it made a game that had terrible psychological elements, Pyramid Head around for no reason, miners, sexy nurses, patients... ugh... that game was awful and it's all because it took from this somewhat successful movie.

Anyway, it's not scary even though it should be, it left a bad impression on me and the Silent Hill franchise, and the video games are much better and scarier. Leave this movie alone unless you really love Silent Hill, and then realize how bad this movie actually is to fans of the games.

Also, as an endnote, there's a sequel in the works. Isn't that wonderful?

Video Game Assessment Revisit: Dragon Age: Origins (2009)

I have already reviewed this video game some time ago (It was my first review here.), but I thought that my review of the game basically sucked and I had not really come into my own as a reviewer with some kind of insane personality that I wanted so much. Well, continuing my apparent bunch of reviews about BioWare games, I am going to review Dragon Age: Origins as well as its expansion pack, Dragon Age: Origins- Awakening and all of the DLC leading up to the second game which I reviewed not too long ago.

So, this game's story is pretty simplistic, very fantasy RPG-ish. Almost every other fantasy story has a similar plot as this game. Well, really this game has two plots... both of which are very indicative of the fantasy genre of RPG. The first is dealing with an usurping "king" and putting the rightful ruler on the throne. The second is dealing with orc-like enemies led by a dragon and defeating this inhuman Blight.

The story frankly is regular and normal fantasy, which sounds like an oxymoron, but there you go.

So, the game has elves and dwarves and orcs (called darkspawn) and ogres and these things called Qunari and obviously humans. And humans are also obviously the greasiest and worst of the peoples, constantly being bad guys and being racist and such. It's pretty terrible. Why are humans always so bad? I know a lotof humans I... well, I know some humans that aren't so... okay, I know like three people I don't think would kill me in my sleep. That means that there are some good people. In this game, humans just seem so selfish and cruel and it's a pity. There are a few good ones, but almost all of them are either in your party or friends of the party characters.

Now, your companion characters are where this game really shines. You have the snarky Templar, Alistair, the snarky dark mage girl, Morrigan, the snarky old mentor mage, Wynne, the snarky elf assassin, Zevran, the snarky and ofttimes drunk dwarf, Oghren, the snarky stoic Qunari, Sten, and the bard Leliana... and your snarky dog for good measure. If snarky is mentioned in most of those characterizations, then yeah... snarky is what most of the characters in the game are. I have never seen such a collection of snarky people in my life. All they do is snark and become cynical and snark some more and become sarcastic or sardonic and... yeah... it's fine for a little while, but why is every character so snarky? Did I walk into s snarky convention while playing this video game? Seriously. And the only character who isn't snarky is the creepy female bard with the terrible voice who watches your character when he/she sleeps. It's creepy and weird and she's awkward and... why does every character have such emotional hangups? Why am I their babysitter/therapist? Why can't they help me out? Maybe my character is feeling a little down what with all the people TRYING TO MURDER ME... Maybe, just maybe, I don't want to her Alistair whine about how he's alone in the world when in my origin story, MY ENTIRE FAMILY WAS KILLED. Seriously, Alistair, I like you, dude, but you just have to stop whining constantly. And Morrigan, stop being overtly evil. Now is not the time when I'm trying to romance you or kill a GREAT EVIL. Can't you just for one second think about being a good person? Seriously.

I could go on and on about these characters, but I think you get the... DOG, NO! DO NOT RELEASE YOUR BLADDER ON THAT UNSUSPECTING CHILD!!!

Uh.... anyway...

The music of this game is fantastic. It really is. It sounds like a lot of music from The Lord of the Rings and I'm basically in love with LotR so there's that. The gameplay is annoying at times and the difficulty is impossible. Even easy enemies are insane to take down on NORMAL difficulty. It's almost as if the difficulty is actually broken. It sucks. I will admit there is satisfaction, a ton of it in fact, for killing big enemies though. There is nothing sweeter than a well-fought battle with an ogre or a dragon or something and plunging the warm, blood-soaked steel of a sword into its blasted throat. The gore elements are pretty well done, although I do wish my character had a handkerchief to wipe his face from time to time. I hate going into a cutscene looking like I just got caught in the flood of blood from Stanley Kubrick's The Shining.

So, now going into the DLC (downloadable content) and expansion: The DLC can be anywhere from really good to really awful. The first DLC actually came with the game, The Stone Prisoner, which introduces a new companion, Shale, who is basically awesome. Shale is a golem and is about as hardcore and hilarious as can be. Shale is very reminiscent of HK-47 from the KotOR series and that just makes the character that much more awesome.

There are other DLCs within the game itself, but most only add new content and items rather than memorable story elements.

Outside the game there are, besides the expansion, four DLC packs. The first is The Darkspawn Chronicles that is a funny little alternate universe in which your player character didn't exist. You play as a Darkspawn and slaughter your entire companion team in the final Dragon Age: Origins battle. It's fun, but short, and has really nothing but combat.

The next DLC is Leliana's Song which is a prequel story for the worst character in the entire game of Dragno Age. Yeah, it's a fun little story, but it very little, if anything to the entire plot of the story. Leliana had mentioned her entire story at one point, and being a bard she wouldn't shut up about it either. I guess I don't really see the point of this DLC. It has some fun moments, but ultimately comes off as overdone and useless.

The third DLC is The Golems of Amgarrok, a very short side mission with some body horror to it. Ilove body horror. The story is interesting as is the gameplay. The only complaint I have is that it is short... and very difficult. Neither of which is a plus. I would have rather had more of this DLC than the two I mentioned previously.

The last DLC, and by far the best, is called Witch Hunt. It details a search for a witch, possibly a witch known to the player character. It's a fun and reminiscent look back at Dragon Age, really tying up loose ends of story and ending the entire story with a bang. I really like it. I think the characters in it are done well, the story is strong, and it ends Dragon Age: Origins in the way it should be ended.

Now I'll move onto the expansion pack, Dragon Age: Origins- Awakening. So, this is basically a new set piece around a third of the length of the actual game. It has new character as well as some old ones, and a new area to explore. It's fairly well done in terms of story and visuals, but falls flat for other reasons. The dialogue system was changed from the one I love so much that reminded me of the KotOR series, where you can just talk to any companion at any time, to  a system of only being able to talk with them when they have something to say. Kind of silly if you ask me. It's a change I don't like and it's a change that stayed around for Dragon Age II, much to my chagrin, although it's done much better there than it is here. Awakening has some great areas within it and has some of my favorite fights within all of Origins. Blackmarsh and everything that happens there is particularly memorable, as is the Architect and what he represents, and the Deep Roads of Kal Hirol, which are so different and much more awesome than the Deep Roads in Orgins. Everything here seems to try improving Origins, and with the exception of dialogue, it seems to. Characters are still a strong element of the game, and Awakening doesn't disappoint with that, having some of the more memorable characters in the series, like Nathaniel, Anders, Velanna (even though a lot of people hate her, I like that crazy elven witch), Sigrun, and Justice. Mother is insane and a pleasure to watch, really bringing body horror to the forefront, which is something I think needs to constantly be brought to the forefront... then again I'm a big Cronenberg fan...

Anyway, the Origins game as a whole is amazing and worth revisiting here. There's so much to it I don't think I could ever go through all of it, but I'm going to damn well try. I like the game a lot. It's great for any fantasy buff, or even anybody who really liked LotR. Check it out, but remember the combat sucks if you're not on a computer, and the Xbox 360 version (which I have) looks like crap.

So, be mindful of those things and have fun.

Video Game Assessment: Mass Effect (2007)

Mass Effect is simultaneously a great game and a trainwreck. It is a beautiful game with terrible gameplay. It is rough around the edges with a diamond underneath. It has a wonderfully intricate story, but a haphazard and hard to understand world. It is the best of video games and yet it is a fleeting quality. It is one of the few roleplaying games that is hard to roleplay or even simply replay, but it does have an excellent story. How can a game be all of these things? I'll tell you.

Some people will blindly tell you that this game is a masterpiece without any hyperbole despite the migraine-inducing terror that the sidequests and the sheer brick of the background codex and lore information present. I guess I can't judge sidequests as equal to the mainquest stuff or can't say that mood-filling lore is necessarily a bad thing, but you want to know something, I will.

First, I'll start with the good: The characters in this game are absolutely fantastic as well as the settings and visuals. This is one of the most beautiful games I have ever seen and I really do enjoy simply looking at it. The characters look fairly realistic, easily better than most other games that I've played and/or seen and the actual graphics are just beautiful. There are no other words for it. Everything looks slick and shiny. The world looks better than real life even with some of the grit of real life too, making the scenery look even better with the realism coming with the fantasy. The characters all look and act like real people, and the alien characters are all really well done too, all basically being good answers to what aliens might be able to look like in a realistic science fiction world.

The science fiction here is well done. I'm not going to say fantastic because I don't think it really addressed the science without using the "Element Zero" argument, which is a bit of a cop-out science fiction-wise. It's much more of a Firefly/Star Wars kind of story than anything else. This game really reminds me of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic in almost a harsh way. It's a very similar world to Star Wars. The aliens kind of act the same, the universe is similar... Hell, even the story is pretty similar. There are Jedi substitutes in this game even if they don't have lightsabers to swing around. There are even similar "dark side" enemies. It's pretty ridiculous to see how much it takes from Star Wars. Not that it's a bad thing. It's works for the game and is pretty cool, but the taking so much from that series is still there.

So, now onto the negative and for all the positive things I've said, there are as many negatives. The positives do tend to outweigh the negatives, but they still certainly exist and are also incredibly headache inducing. The first big negative is the first one one would see in the game: the inventory system. It is a convoluted mess that took me the better part of an entire playthrough to actually understand. Sure, there is customization and strategy involved in many of the choices, but there thorough annoyingness for the player will just make the player wish they weren't there at all. In the second game of the series they went the exact opposite direction with customization, basically going passive-aggressive and skimping on weapons and armor to a ridiculous extent for an RPG. So, I claim that BioWare is a bit passive-aggressive when it comes to criticism.

Now, the whole weapon-armor issue is a kind of big deal, but nowhere as big as the sidequest issue. Now, I  liked this game a lot when it came to the story. It was really well done and engaging. I also, in games, tend to like doing a ton of sidequests as mood-fillers. I also use them to stock up on convoluted items and money and gels and everything else. I like that. I like doing sidequests. I've always been a 100% runner and that's what I like to do.  The sidequests in Mass Effect though are torturous. They're painful. I go and play the sidequests and they give me a headache. A game shouldn't give me a headache. Part of the problem is the infamous "Mako" space tank within the game that is fundamentally fun, but absolutely overused and really, when it comes down to it, not intuitive at all. The controls are wonky. The tank is not fun to play as. Exploration, although beautiful, is annoying, especially when most planets have a samey kind of look to them. Basically something that should be a small part of the game comes off as not only painful, but taking up way too much time for the rewards. So, a gameplay technique I've always employed and loved is basically punishing me. I don't like that. It took me out of the game. It made me want to play other games. Sidequests should never do that to a player. Seriously. Yes, they redesigned the sidequests for Mass Effect 2, but again, they went too far, basically taking all of the exploration out completely unless one doles out money for the DLC. What the Hell, BioWare? Why are you guys so passive-aggressive about criticism?

I will admit that the endgame is the best endgame I've ever played, bar none. It's fantastically well done, beautiful and memorable, and also flips the bird to all the terrible sidequests and gameplay one deals with throughout the game. Definitely worth it.

There's also a moral choice system within the game as well as origin story for the player character. They do tend to add customization, but ultimately are all really for nothing. They don't really change the game except in small aspects, so it's kind of a silly thing to add. There are also six classes to choose from, which is kind of neat, since half of them are hybrid classes of the usual "rogue"/"warrior"/"wizard" RPG classes. So, that's nice at least.

Anyway, Mass Effect is a good game with some bad elements to it. I like it myself, but still can't get over some of the bad elements in the game. This is one of the few games I came into this blog wanting to review because of it's great story and terrible execution. So, take my word on it, play at your own risk, but also realize it's one of the best stories and most beautiful graphics in games today, even if it does have a lot of issues with it.

Video Game Assessment: Dragon Age II (2011)

So, I haven't reviewed anything for a while now. Part of the reason for that is that I was busy, and the other part of that was this game right here as well as bits of its predecessor. The Dragon Age franchise is a fascinating one. It's like one part The Lord of The Rings, another racism and hate, all mixed together with a video game series glorifying the sweeter parts of the thoughts of any person who has ever swung a sword around in their yard or dreamed of being some great adventurer or hero fighting evil things and taking names and never giving up.

The story here is beautiful and stellar. Compared to Dragon Age: Origins (my first review here actually, and a bit of a sucky one at that) this game's story is so much more complicated. It's really wonderful to see. The choices made within this RPG determine your character, Hawke's, story as well as the story of the world itself. The characters here all feel like living and breathing people... albeit maybe a little bit snarkier than most live people I've known. Some of the characters will get on your nerves, others will become your best friends. It's interesting just how the characters were built to have personality conflicts, not only with each other, but the  player character himself. I like that.

The visuals and graphics are amazing and a wonder to behold. I don't care if you read any other video game reviewer and they say "This game sucks." or "This game looks terrible." it doesn't. This game is one of the best looking games I've seen... comparable to the Mass Effect series in that regard.

The gameplay is phenomenal. Oh jeez... it is hack-and-slash gaming with tactics at its best and I like it.

There are some issues here as well. Don't take this as blind praise. The whole game takes place in a single city, and although that city feels like home after a while, it also feels like you're doing the same thing over and over again, especially when the same caves and dungeon maps are used over and over again. I understand that it probably saves on some kind of loading time or something, but with the long loading times already, couldn't it have been preferable to just make a new freaking cave or sewer for different quests? I guess I just don't get that.

One complaint I've seen time and time again is that the game has no coherent narrative, and that the story goes and does random and stupid things, never setting anything, like the main villain, up. Well, this is true... sort of. I think this is one of those games that has to be played completely from beginning to end. What I mean by that is that to get into this game and actually understand what is going on, you must play it as a completionist. It's the only way to really get into the story and see the foreshadowing and understand the world that this game takes place in. Some main stories do kind of come out of nowhere, but not really, not if you're paying attention. There is a lot of foreshadowing.

One thing I will relent on is that the actual climax of this game seems to take place during Act II (of the three acts of the game), and Act II is also and easily the best act in terms of both storytelling and everything else. Act III seems rushed, certain quests not being completable and the quickness of the act really push that. I actually have to wonder if there was a rushed completion of this game and it is partially unfinished. The bugs I've encountered probably go hand-in-hand with that.

So, ultimately, do I like this game? Yes. I think it's fun. It reminds me of the crusades with mages. There is a very Jerusalem feel to the city of Kirkwall where the entire story, save the very beginning, takes place. I like that. I've also never seen or played anything like it before. There are politics in this story, race relations, and dealing with almost sensible prejudices. It's all very fascinating and a really fun game to play. If you've played that first Dragon Age game, you may not necessarily love this one, so watch out and beware. Personally, I find the games very different, with the first having better party companions and romances in my opinion, but the second having an actually unique and interesting story rather than just fantasy cliche. I'm a story guy myself, so I tend to like DA II for that, although I do wish it didn't seem quite as rushed as it actually does.

Sexy Shigalyov and His Turkish Coffee

Yup.

I Should Get Back To Writing Stuff Soon. But If You Want Some Mustache Fanfiction, I Think I Have You Covered With This Post.  It Took A Lot Of Time Out Of My Schedule, But I Think Everybody Will Love It. I Have A Sequel Too, But I'm Too Scared To Post It.


Deadictaed to thos peeple who made city of stones, the BEST RODIO DRAMA EVVAR!!!1

Comarade Shigalyov took a seat in his comfy and cozy chair finally relazxcing from his stresssfull day of beating everybody up beacause he is smawesome. Sighing he fell into it with vigor and the stress pooored away from him like a shedding an acron from a oak tree. He wanted to talk to his family beacausse he missed them SO MUCH but he couldt beacccuase they were farr away from him and he didn't know wwere they where beeaccsue he was fairly away in the psst frm all them peeps.

Sheigalllyov was very naked too doing all of this beecuse thats how he rolled. When he heard a knock on his front door to his rooom that he was in preseeently beeeacsue he was just so beeffy n hunky and he was a delicious sppecimen and a man of all men and everybody wanted him and he new it sincee he aw s do delivisi.

Whoopps I made a mssitake there. I ameant dto so baidniehn MY KEYBORAD IS TNOT WORKKING CORRRECTIGNKLY.

Donut you daer maek fon of m.e okat now im gonna doo the ret of the stoyr yes.

Anymor, Shehehgilav went and oppend the door and found a beaautfi mab lokngib back ant him. The man had a wondrous mustache of maginificent propositions. It would felt so nice tickling his chin. He desired it so grately it was fantastic. He stood there nekaed and the mustachioed man looked down at him and gasped with wonder! WITH WONDER!

“im Curnel Haki.” Man said,. “You are shigelyev, right?” He tried to ceep his eyes above the mans waste but could not. It was impossible. His eyes were drawn to the mans lower proportions. And how could they not be. He was fanaTSIC.

WHPOOS I HATE MY I MEAN HIT CAPLOCKS GOTTA PRESS it... okat.

Shaglove took Hakios arm and dragged him inside. “i am he.” He said. “And I want you, Mr. Hake.”

Thats whan thaere mustaches met in extasty for the first time,. It was a wondrroful feeling that meeting of mustaches. All msutaches should come togetehr in the harmony that these came together in . It would make the world a beter place and make eveelt body happier. Love. Man love is amazing. No homo.

WAIT.... my “friend” is tellibg me that manlove is homo. Oh dear. Im gonna stop and let “friend” end the rest of this. Here ya go.!

Wow, this is a pretty awful story, so I'm going to spice this biznatch up. So, Haki and Shigalyov, they're getting it on like two hardcore men like them are doing. They're making out like two mustachioed pornographers being all queer and everything. But then Shigalyov, he pulls away. Haki tells him “No” and to “keep it up”. Heh heh... But Shigalyov still plays hard (heh heh) to get. “I have a wife and I love her.” Shigalyov says. “I can't be doing these homo things with you.”

Haki is confused since Shigalyov was naked and he started it. “But I want your body.” Haki said in almost a whining tone. His mustache twitched as... man, that other dude really had a mustache fetish, huh? I'm not too partial to mustaches. Then again, I'm straight. Well, anyway, Haki still wants Shigalyov's bulging manmeat, but Shigalyov suddenly turns straight and isn't into all this stuff no more. It happens, y'know? Then he hears another knock on his door and its the sweetass and beautiful Contessa with all her bosom and everything heaving. I mean, you gotta have some kind of sweetass dame in this place if you want to have getting it on fiction. Well, the Contessa is all hot and bothered as Contessas are wont to be. I mean, hell biitches, if I was a Contessa, I'd probably be all hot and bothered too. Well, anyway, this Contessa, she's in some kind of stringy... man, it's kind of getting hot in here... I'll be back... give me a second....

what kidna shot is this? I donut like any of it. Whers all the mustachioed? Men? I want morea them and less a some werd Cuntessa whos all evil and whatbnot. All right.The contesssa leves and goesoff with soyona or mody or somehting bc those ppl donut mater nop. Only shiggy and Haks mater. An maybe some wseett syodiaaction. Yeah. I want me some nice and hunky soyida in my story. That other personb can stay away from me story. Stop with your heterosexuality and embrace the mustachioed men.

Anyway. Haki and Shiggy, their getting it on. Oh yeah. There bumping and griding and getting all the stuff DONE. Bc that hoe w they do it. Yeah, shiggy. Kepe going. MUSTACHAE> Uh... so theyre kissing all over and doin g it. What you may aks? SEX. There totttally doing sex to one another. You npow? That kind of sex that involves mostaches . Yeah. I want some hot mustache action. No homo.

Dude, no. That's really homo, aright? Seriously. Stop it. You're freaking me out. Mustaches are not hot unless you're a gay person, a white trash woman, or into racecars or porn. Seriously. I don't mind any of that, but stop saying “No homo.” It's totally homo. No lie.

Shut up, “friend”! You donunt undertsand my feeelingson the maters! So sotp youre nilllywaking!

What? Look, the story should be, all I'm saying, not all gay and everything, especially if you're not gay. You like the womanfolk then you should be writing about the womanfolk. When you write about mustachioed men getting it on, it's a little upsetting to me. Look, I'm tearing up over here.

THIs iz me storee!Stop it! Shiggy and Haki are geten it on and theats it. No womanflock or nothing. Crap, I shoud deleeet your conceveratisatiinog. But MY BACKSPICE Key donut work! And DELLLETTT is eten by my sisster. Shes gotta key fetsih sumtimes. Weird, right? NO, Cpompurter, Im not spelling “werd not like that! Yiour rwong!

SHUT UP, all you hatas! Im gonna write this fanfiction about my favotire radio dram! And you aint goong stop me! Nobodyes gonna stop me massage! So then Soadyi cum in and getsinto the mustache mixture of love. Oh yeah. And... uh... stuff happens and then they all go and smoke everthing afterwedrds! Yeah! Perfect storee 100%!