Short Story Scrutiny: "The Colour Out of Space" (1927) by H. P. Lovecraft

Okay, I don't have a picture for this one, which I'm infinitely sorry for. Honestly though I can't see this review having a picture anyway. "The Colour Out of Space" by Howard Philips Lovecraft is the single best examples I have ever seen of a purely atmospheric piece of horror. Sure, there are other good examples by other authors, but this one is the best because of how it effectively uses the material to be terrifying.

Now, personally, I am not a huge H. P. Lovecraft fan. I like some of his stuff some of the time, but most of his stuff is garbage and unfit for brain consumption. I mean, the man was about as racist as a man could be and it comes off in his writings as random asides about the inferiority of other races. Kind of sick in a way.

But in this story, the idea of racism doesn't raise its ugly head. Instead this story focuses on an alien, which also happens to be the title of the story. It is a colour from space that is the real horror. It steals energy from the land and the people on it eventually driving them all insane. They all die fairly horribly not long after that as the area itself becomes a haven for otherworldly wildlife. The most horrific part for me is how everything earth-like and natural for us turns gray and disintegrates into nothing at all. It provides a sharp contrast to films and other stories that have the horror being something substantial that one can fight. The horror of this story isn't in the substance, but rather the lack of substance, the lack of an enemy, the lack of motive. The fear here is really very little,but it is used so effectively that the horror becomes much more tangible than any mindless slasher film. There is a feeling of absolute dread that spreads its way across the story and in some ways it feels much realer than most other stories out there. In some ways it almost feels as if this story could happen in our world... or maybe already has.

What I'm saying is that this story is outstanding and its short length leads it to being accessible to just about anybody. Check it out and see the horror of "The Colour Out of Space" for yourself.

Movie Appraisal: Event Horizon (1997)

Okay, so I know that this movie isn't particularly well liked by pretty much anybody. So, I'm going to continue being controversial and I have to say that I love this movie. Parts of it were chilling, the horror was great, and the imagery (I go back to that yet again) was FANTASTIC.

No, I'm not even kidding around here. This movie was absolutely fantastic for me, and I know there are tons of people out there who hate this film. Actually every person I know who I've talked to about this film has hated it and pretty vividly hated it, but there's something about this film that draws me to it like a moth to a bright light-bulb.

I know the story doesn't make a TON of sense, but that's fine. As I'm sure I've established already, movie stories don't mean much to me since I dislike the movie medium to begin with. I feel movies are usually too short to make effective stories. That's not always true, and in general I think horror movies are the best kinds of movies because they use pacing and the shortness of the medium effectively. I also lump suspense and thriller types of movies into horror. See, those are the kinds of movies that prosper under a tight schedule. Other movies, like serious dramas or most romances or comedies (boy, do I dislike most comedic films), I feel, suffer from the shortness and the pattern of movies. It seems that every one of those films has to have the same kinds of stuff happen in them and it makes them tiresome and terrible and kind of makes me want to go insane and turn into a vampire and just go wild. I just hate most movies, all right? My point here in this review is that I don't hate this movie. In fact I kind of really like it.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Saquarry, you idiot, how can you like this horrible film and dislike, oh let's see... Ghostbusters for example?"

Well, that's easily answered. Ghostbusters is an overrated sack of cruddy garbage and should only be watched by people who have actually no appreciation over actual storytelling and character development. I feel that the whole genre of comedy is made specifically for the lowest common denominator of people. It dumbs down the whole populace and makes each and every one of us more pieces of goo obsessed with amusement than thinking human beings who are made to use our imaginations.

This is one of the reasons I tend to like older films. I feel that the minimalist approach is the best approach to anything. Use class to get points across. Assume your audience isn't a bunch of mindless zombies even if they are.

And that goes to my point. I feel that most people who dislike this film just don't take the time to see it as it is. Now, I hate sci-fi films... and sci-fi in space is almost instantly a turn-off for me. I actually dislike most sci-fi films in general unless they happen to be awesome. I really liked 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) and Sunshine (2007), but that's about it.

Anyway, I loved the imagery of everything. I liked the ship and the scares. I liked the deaths and Sam Neill was amazing. I mean, he was just absolutely fantastic in this film. I could watch that man's performance over and over again. he is such an underrated actor, but he's been fantastic in everything I've ever seen him in, even if I didn't particularly like the movie like Daybreakers (2009), for example.

Anyway, watching this movie with its twists and turns and real scares shows me that there are some great horror films still being made.

Video Game Assessment: Indigo Prophecy (2005)

Fahrenheit AKA Indigo Prophecy here in the States is a weird game. It's one of those video games that is impossible to summarize without sounding like a crazy ranting hobo on the street, so instead of giving an overview of the plot and setting and characters, I'm going to give my initial reaction to the game.

Personally I did like it, but I can see how a lot of people could hate it. Most of the game is adventure-esque in gameplay, which is unique in a game for me. I liked a lot of the first half of the game. It drew me in and made me want to play more and more. I actually beat the entire game in a sitting a few years ago. Like I said, starting it up, I was confused and wondering what I had to do and if I did things wrong. But once I got further in the game I found myself wondering how the game went from amazing to WHAT all in a the range of a short while.

The horror of the game is almost non-existent. I mean, there are some thrilling parts... and some timed parts that get the blood pumping all over the place, but the game itself is mediocre at best. I know there has been this cult classic status put onto this game, and while I can see it I don't think it's deserved. The game is just all over the place pulling plot points and endings right out of nowhere, and that seems unfair to a story-based game. I don't know. Maybe it's just my own weird gripe, but I feel that this game is very lackluster, and only people who have nothing better to do should play it. Honestly, there are so many better games out there to play... Go play Deadly Premonition instead. You heard me. It's an amazing game and I won't stop saying how good it is.

Stuff Analyses: Horror Art and Urban Exploring

This is a picture of a supposedly haunted painting called "The Hands Resist Him". It was painted in 1972 by artist, Bill Stoneham of Oakland, California. I'm not going to go insane and spill out every fact or speculation about this work. If you want that go look the painting up on Wikipedia or something. I'm going to tell you what I think about this work and a few other forms of horror art that I've seen and either enjoy or find absolutely terrifying. I know in a lot of my recent reviews I've spoken of a lot of the horror and enjoyment I get from the genre of horror comes from imagery and the way things look or are described, and that's incredibly true, which is why I find horror art so fascinating and so awesome. I don't have the talent to be an artist and paint awesome stuff, but I will say that I truly wish I could have that talent. So, I'm going to show off some different works from different people and explain what I think. I'll be reviewing, in a word. Oh, here's a closer view of "The Hands Resist Him" just so you can see that this is a fairly creepy painting:
I'm guessing it all looks very creepy. When I first saw this painting I kind of freaked out a little. It reminded me of something viscerally terrifying and I wasn't comfortable with that. I've seen the painting often since that first viewing and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to, but there is still something uncomfortable about... something off or wrong or something. It just feels like it shouldn't exist... or maybe simply that it shouldn't be seen by human eyes.

Now, I'll get to some other things. That is a photograph taken by myself. Anyway, I took this awesome and creepy photograph while my girlfriend and I were urban exploring not very long ago. For those of you who might not know what urban exploring is, it's simply exploring places that are either abandoned or condemned. I'm going to write a disclaimer here and tell all of you not to do it because it could be dangerous or stupid and most of the time it's probably against the law. So, take that as you will. Anyway, urban exploring is fascinating because you get to see what a building looks like once humans aren't in it anymore and nobody is taking care of it. These old buildings are hollowed out husks ripe for animals, zombies, ghosts, and ax-murders... and probably hobos... but yeah... Anyway, while urban exploring my girlfriend and I saw many things, some creepy, some weird, and some just downright scary. That hallway above, although in black and white, was seriously very dark. We never saw or found the end of it. On the opposite side of the room (Picture this in your heads, children.) there was another long, dark hallway as well, which I'll show with my own picture again:
This hallway was incredibly dark, which is kind of hard to see since I was using my flash on my camera, but imagine all of that, but pitch black, then you can start imaging just how terrifying it can be. So, there were two of these hallways with a door in between them. Both were underground and about as dark as anything could be, and I just seriously thought that Pyramid Head was going to run up to me and start hacking at me with his great knife... It was so awesome, I can't even say how awesome it was. Also, I am going to say that my girlfriend is a much better photographer than I am (Mostly I specialize in taking videos. That's what I enjoy.) and she has some fantastic photos from our excursion up online, so I'm going to plug her webpage shamelessly, because she is crazy talented and her stuff really brings out the imagery much better than any of my own photographs ever could, and since this is a critique on art and stuff, I figure that I could say how much I enjoy her art and you could all look at it yourselves and enjoy it too.

There are plenty of other horror artists out there, but I really don't care about most of them... not that they don't do good art, but moreover that it just doesn't appeal to me anywhere near as much. I like art that has a history to it or something behind it (usually psychological and if you want more psychological art go back and look over the Pyramid Head pictures I posted or wait until I review Jacob's Ladder.

Yup.

Movie Appraisal: The Blair Witch Project (1999)

So, here we are: The Blair Witch Project, one of the scariest movies I have ever seen. This movie, when I first saw it, made me absolutely terrified of the woods. I still can't go into the woods without a flashlight, a compass, and a whole lot of courage... and I always need to know where I'm going or else I start freaking out.

I saw this movie for the first time when I was ten or maybe eleven and it scared me so badly I thought I'd never sleep again. There are very few movies I find frightening, but this one has always stuck in my mind as an uncomfortable example. I own this movie, but I've only ever watched it once almost ten years ago or more... Maybe I'll try to watch it tonight and see what...

Oh no...!

I'm lost in the woods and I can't find my way out!
I'm so scared. Help me! I need to get out! I want to live!
Oops... nope, I just became entangled in my blanket and the darkness started to get me a little scared as I typed in the dark... I guess it happens, you know? Getting running in the woods with a laptop confused with being caught in your blankets with a laptop. It happens and so help me, you'd better believe it happens.

Um... where was I?

I don't remember much of this movie honestly. I only remember at the time it made me very uncomfortable and that I never really knew what happened in that last scene. You know which one. I should go back and watch it and make an edit to this review later...  or maybe not... You'll never know!

Or maybe you will. Whichever really.

But seriously, this is a good movie, probably a little over-hyped and I know a lot of people don't like it... but I think it's pretty neat, so I say you should go check it out. If you like the woods and three college students, you can't go wrong... plus, it started a whole brand of film-making with the actors being the ones to film what's going on. That's pretty neat! (Although I hate most of those films...) Yeah... pretty neat indeed.

Video Game Assessment: Alan Wake (2010)

I knew this game would be trouble from the moment I first held the box in my hand. As an X-Box 360 exclusive title, it should have been fantastic. It should have been amazing enough to hold its own on the gamers' console. It should have been epic.

I talk of shoulds, but I mean it. This game had been in my mind for so long. Reviewers praised it up and down and called it one of the best horror video games of our generation, if not one of the best games of all time. This game had been in development for years and years. I think it was close to seven or eight years when all was said and done. I practically got my X-Box 360 for Alan Wake and Mass Effect, and couldn't have cared less if all the other video games didn't exist at all. So, I wanted to love this game. I really did. Maybe my expectations were too high... or maybe this game is a pile of crap tied with a happy ribbon to give it edge. I'm going to tell you what I think. (It's the latter... just so you know.)

Alan Wake is

A Psychological Action Thriller

whatever that means. Seriously, what is that supposed to mean? Is it supposed to mean that it's an indefinite piece of this genre? I've never heard of another game being in the

Psychological Action Thriller

genre. So, I'm not sure what to believe. Do I call this game a thriller? Well, it does have some genuinely thrilling moments, but they are few and far between. I found the best scares to come at the very end of the game or in certain patches throughout the game. But they are few and far between like trying to find gems on the surface of the sun. Yes, there might be something shining in your eyes and you could certainly call that shiny thing a gem, but all you're going to do is go blind eventually if you keep staring. Look, I'm not saying that there are no thrilling moments in this, I'm just saying except for Alan Wake's wife first disappearing, it's all so ordinary. It doesn't try anything new or awesome. It's a story that I feel I've read a better times with all the Stephen King books I've read, except that any Stephen King book or story or just about anything is better than this garbage disguised as fillet mignon. As for the action part, well, you do get a gun, sometimes... when the game is feeling generous, which it often doesn't seem to. I hate the action parts of this game. It all feels the same. The game also doesn't think much of my intelligence... always zooming in on the enemies like it thinks I won't be able to see them over my absolute terror of a dark forest! And a river! Oh no! What could be worse than running water? I mean, did the developers think that the players of this game would get easily distracted and not be able to distinguish the enemies of this game from trees or something? Because it seems that every time an enemy shows up on screen, the camera just has to ZOOM in on the thing... I mean, come on! I'm not an idiot! I can tell the things I need to kill from inanimate objects. As for the psychological part, I think this is a blatant lie. Seriously, if you think this has a psychological story, go watch Jacob's Ladder, 1408, Psycho, Session 9, The Changeling, Carnival of Souls, and many, many others, or go play any Silent Hill game, Deadly Premonition, or even The Suffering games if you have nothing better to do with your time. They all have psychological aspects to them, whereas this game has amnesia... it has an author writing his own story. Oh, how cute. How many times has Stephen King and every other author done that? Hell, I can think of two Stephen King stories right off the top of my head, seriously without thinking at all, that have the whole author creating his story kind of storyline and both are so much better than this piece of utter dog crap. (The stories in question are Duma Key and "The Word Processor of the Gods".)

Now that I've bashed the label of this video game, let me get into the video game itself. The gameplay isn't bad. Actually it kind of has a fun quality to it. You shine a light at an enemy, it takes down their darkness shield and then you shoot that enemy a few times. BANG! BANG! Then the enemy dissolves and that's it. It's fun. Sometimes you can shoot the enemies with flare guns or hit them with a flash bang. It's seriously so fun that it must be some kind of visceral reaction. When I think about this game, the only reason I feel that I finished it is that the gameplay was just so much fun. Even the dodging mechanic feels like it's hardcore and awesome.

The character suck and I won't waste my time describing the vapid creatures. I don't know if any of them actually have any real characterizations or if they all have jumbles of characteristics thrown out there as descriptors even when it goes against what actually makes sense.

I also have to make a mention of the scenery, just because it is gorgeous when it can be seen. It's so dark in the game that most of the time it is quite difficult to figure out what's going on, but when you can see what's what, the scenery is quite beautiful, and I do like that. The forests feel like forests and the town feels like a town. It all seems to work pretty nicely.

The different "episodes" within the game get old quickly, and I found myself not even caring. I hated the forest sections so much despite the fun gameplay that I just wanted to get to exposition even though I hated every one of the characters. It just feels like the developers tried to do too much. The game feels way too short for a game in development for seven or eight years, whichever it was. It feels like it has some interesting concept, but never takes any of them to another level. It just leaves them swaying in the breeze. The last level or two in particular have amazing ideas that aren't in the rest of the game... and I don't know why. If some of those things had shown up throughout the game I think I would have actually enjoyed the game. Of particular interest to me was the tornado of darkness coming after Alan Wake and tearing down everything in its path, and the floating words level that represents the writer's head. I thought that was imaginative and fun and I wished all the levels could have had somethings like that, not just unimaginative forest sections over and over again, despite how fun the gameplay is. I'd rather have

A Psychological Action Thriller

with thrills, action, and something psychological... and I feel that all I received for my money was something trying very hard to be what it is saying it is, but falling very short of that mark.

I have another complain too: Why the hell is this game rated T? Every horror game I've ever seen is rated M because they should be. Horror is a genre for adults (despite the fact that I've always loved horror even as a small child), not for teenagers or younger. I feel that when a game starts pandering to the lowest common denominator, it suffers for it. I have a feeling that rating it T was all about the number of sales and look what happened there. The game didn't sell well despite amazing reviews praising everything on it and everything else. I contend the game didn't sell well because not only did it suck, it also wasn't scary, and that's a glaringly big mistake for something in the genre of "Thriller". Now, I'm sorry... but "Thriller"? Why? What's wrong with calling a horror game a horror game? What's wrong with making it scarier and more realistic and taking more time with it to make a better product instead of dicking around, slapping a T rating on it for sales, and teasing us with good concepts, but not enough substance?

This is one of the biggest disappointments in my life, up there with the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy being terrible, KotOR III never being made, and my first girlfriend breaking up with me for another guy. So, yeah, understand me when I say that this game is as disappointing as what George "Money-Bags" Lucas did to Star Wars... no, even worse, because at least I enjoyed Star Wars Episode I when I was ten when it came out, whereas this is just a pile of offal, too terrible to ever called good and too disappointing to ever be enjoyed.

I will say as a side bit, that I did indeed get to play a game that was as good as I thought this game would be. It came out not too long before this one and was easily the best game (or very close to the best) I've played all year. Deadly Premonition, which I do have a review for, is everything that this game is not. It's good where this is bad, and better where this game is good. Its story and characters are fantastic and even though both are kind of based off of Twin Peaks a bit, Deadly Premonition does a lot better with the idea and makes it awesome. I'm not going to say much more about that game, but it is awesome, read my review on it if you don't believe me. I love that game and if you have to make the choice, spend less money and play Deadly Premonition. The gameplay might be slightly worse, but everything else is better, even all the way to the excellent soundtrack. Seriously, go listen to the soundtrack of that game online somewhere, it's utterly fantastic.

Anyway, my point is that there are better games out there than Alan Wake, so don't waste your time, energy, or money on this turd when you can find gems for less money that are much more enjoyable and better in almost every way.

Movie Appraisal: The Keep (1983)

I'm going to dig into The Keep directed by Michael Mann and largely forgotten by everybody else. This movie has the distinction of having Nazi zombies in it, which I have to say makes this movie pretty damn awesome.

Now, this movie has a bit of a soft place in my heart. I'm not really certain why. It's a bad movie. I just want to get that out of the way. The pacing is bad. The plot is confusing and hard to follow, and the characters are muddled and poorly written, but I still like this film for some reason.

I think part of the reason I like this film is because of a young Ian McKellan (or at lest younger than very old) as Dr. Theodore Cuza, a professor of Jewish history, to come to a particular keep in Romania so that he can decipher some strange symbols inside the keep. Dr. Cuza, as you might guess, also happens to be Jewish... and the main characters of this movie are Nazis... during World War II. So, this movie already has a message of one sort or another before too long in. Watching the Nazis one by one be taken down by some unseen force is nice in a way, but it also invokes a certain sympathy even for those darn Nazis. They're terrified to stay in the keep, but they're under orders to stay there anyway.

One of the reasons I really do like this movie is because of the story showing that not all Nazis agree with the death camps and the extermination of all lesser races. The primary protagonist for much of the film, Captain Klaus Woermann (Jürgen Prochnow), is actually against a lot of the Nazi policies and is actually not a Nazi himself. He fights for Germany to be stronger and recover, not for philosophical and terrible goals. And I like that. I like seeing that even though this man fights alongside Nazis, he finds the way they think and do things abhorrent. Of particular interest throughout the film are the fights between Woermann and Sicherheitsdienst Officer Sturmbannführer Eric Kaempffer (Gabriel Byrne), who is a member of the SS. They frequently argue about everything from leadership to what to do next to combat the force killing off the Nazis.

The movie is interesting in that the primary protagonist, Glaeken Trismegestus (Scott Glenn), is not really introduced until fairly late in the film, and the same is true for the primary antagonist, who is seen in a cloudy form, and reminds me very strongly of Sauron in the prologue to The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

So, getting into the story a little more, the professor, helping the Nazis decipher the strange symbols and lettering, brings along his daughter Eva (Alberta Watson) with him. Dr. Cuza has a terribly debilitating case of scleroderma, and he feels that his daughter can help him with simpler tasks. Soon after they come, Eva finds herself in the midst of two Einsatzkommandos and is sexually assaulted by them before being helped by Molasar, who is very clearly not a good guy. What Molasar wants is for Dr. Cuza to help him escape the keep, and Molasar is willing to do anything for that help, including healing the professor of his debilitating disease.

Glaeken soon comes to the small Romanian village which is at the edge of the keep, since he somehow knew that there was going to be trouble because of some kind of psychic link between himself and Molasar. He meets and starts having a relationship with Eva while Dr. Cuza really just wants him gone so he can repay Molasar by setting him free.

The end of this film is trippy and weird, involving a fight sequence between Molasar and Glaeken, with Nazi zombies, Dr. Cuza going a little insane, Eva trying to help,but failing miserably and everything looking like it could be lost. Glaeken does eventually prevail and defeat the evil Molasar, who is likened in the film to Dracula, but at what cost? Glaeken falls for a long time, and eventually awakens seeing his reflection in a puddle. Throughout the film, he has been certain that he will die when he confronts Molasar, which is strange for him because he is very old. He is technically an immortal linked to Molasar, and he figured since there is that link he would die if Molasar did. Well, he survived and Eva comes to him in the end and they very obviously live happily ever after.

Now, what can I say other than that? I actually read the book by F. Paul Wilson of this a while after I originally saw the movie, and I have to say that maybe the book adds a little more sense to this movie, but that's not saying much. I liked the movie more, possibly because of the visuals. So, in fact, I've done two reviews back-to-back, praising the movies of certain stories and saying that the stories themselves aren't as good. And I'll stick by that.

Also, I know that a lot is mentioned of the soundtrack of this film being by Tangerine Dream and therefore excellent, and I have to agree. The music is fitting for the movie and works really well.

Now, for any of you out there who would like to watch this movie, good luck with that. This movie is hard to find. There is no DVD and the VHS is hard to find from what I've seen, but if you do happen to find it and watch it I guarantee it will be worth it despite Michael Mann and F. Paul Wilson taking an extreme dislike to this movie. I liked it, and maybe you will too.

Movie Appraisal: 1408 (2007)

The first time I saw this movie, I was about as happy as I could be. This movie is psychological horror at its best. It has artistic and beautiful imagery combined with an amazing story and great performance by John Cusack playing the lead character of Mike Enslin, a successful nonfiction author who writes about paranormal phenomena, or lack thereof in different places.

I like this movie a lot. It's one of my favorite movies of all time. I like how everything goes back to the psychological aspects of the character of Mike Enslin and how much he's gone through with losing his daughter and walking out on his family. In many ways, although John Cusack is the only actor who is really in this film, the room itself, Room 1408 of the Dolphin Hotel in New York City, is like another character with its own motives and ideas, and it becomes a fascinating battle of wills between Mike Enslin and Room 1408.

In many ways, going back to a previous review of mine, this movie reminds me of Silent Hill 4: The Room, mostly because both character from the respective stories are stuck in a room with no way out.

I like how this movie starts out too. It's almost as if it might be some kind of comedy film rather than the psychological horror film it turns out to be. John Cusack has a few genuinely funny moments in this film before he enters the room and even after he has as well. His chemistry (for the little time the other actors are in this film) with Tony Shaloub, who plays Mike's agent, and Samuel L. Jackson, who plays the manager of the Dolphin, is awesome and hilarious. It makes the film seem like it could be nothing more than a zany comedy before taking back the curtain and showing off its horror side. Even the colors seem indicative of something other than a horror movie. The film is not shot as most modern horror movies are with a filter going toward the grainy or the blue end of the spectrum. It's like the movie itself is trying to mess with the viewer's own perceptions as well as the protagonist's. It's an amazing feat if that's what the film was trying to pull off, and I think it works amazingly well.

I just want to take a moment to speak of the source material. "1408" is actually a short story by Stephen King anthologized in his 2002 collection of fourteen short stories, "Everything's Eventual". I remember reading the story a few years ago and not being blown away by it. There were other stories in the same anthology that I thought were much better like "The Man in the Black Suit", "Riding the Bullet", and "The Little Sisters of Eluria" to name a few. For whatever reason though, this story was the one that did well when all the rest kind of faded to general obscurity, and I'm going to postulate it has something to do with the similarities that this story has to a very famous Stephen King novel turned movie, The Shining.

Now, on the surface, and underneath the surface there are a ton of similarities between the two works from the history of violent deaths in both hotels (but in 1408 it's in Room 1408 specifically) all the way to the main character going insane from the place itself.

Now, I like this movie and I've been biting to review it for a long time, but I will admit that this movie isn't for everyone. It can really make a person feel like they're losing their mind a little bit and for people who don't like their mind messed with it can be a difficult movie to watch and enjoy. A friend of mine watched this movie with me a while back and he was thinking that reality was falling down around his head. Granted it was about four in the morning and we had also watched Jacob's Ladder, another great psychological horror film, that night... but he was intensely nervous after we watched this film, whereas I was gushing with joy at being able to watch it, so much so that for the next six months or so I would watch this movie every few weeks just because it gave me a reason to really smile. I like certain movies and this is one of the movies that really appeals to me, and I think it's the psychological horror aspects of it. But what I find hilarious is how I never really liked the source material, but I loved the movie.

I guess that sometimes the movie of a novel or story can be better than the original itself.

Video Game Assessment: Silent Hill 4: The Room (2004)

A room? Well, rooms are frankly terrifying. This must be the scariest game that there ever was! And a door! Oh, jeez, I'm frankly and seriously terrified and quivering over here! OH BOY.

Silent Hill 4: The Room was released in 2004 as the fourth game in the Silent Hill series. I'm not going to go crazy about this game and say that it's the best video game ever or anything, because it isn't. That being said, it's not a bad game either, and certainly not as bad as people tend to say it is. I think people like to throw hyperboles around all the time. This game is also quite different than the other Silent Hill games, so, of course, people are going to have a lot of issues with it. Now, getting all of that out of the way, I like this game much more than most reviewers tend to, even if it honestly pales in comparison to Silent Hill 2.

In saying that I feel like I should mention that I really never cared for the third game in the series. I never finished it. (EDIT: I did finish it. Not worth it in my opinion.) It was a direct sequel to the first game and I never played the first game... which is probably why I have no attachment to it. As for the other games in the series, the prequel to the first game is short and easy but has a few good moments, and in the fifth game of the series, I became stuck in a particular room and was unable to proceed. The fifth game is also quite bad in my opinion. It doesn't have the polish or the originality of the earlier games in the series. I know there's also Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, but even though I own it, I've never actually played it. I probably will at some point...

So, getting back to the game I'm supposed to be reviewing right now, I like it. It's nowhere near as great as the second game, but I think that this game is a much more experimental game, and I can respect that. And when I say experimental, I really do mean it. It changes a lot of staples of the original three games, having first person perspectives in parts, unkillable enemies that constantly pursue you, and a strange combat system that, although better than the earlier games, is still incredibly awkward. I will say that I find this game having both first and third-person elements really adds to the immersion though, and really let's you sympathize with the protagonist even if he's quiet and a little slow.

Also, just to point it out, the game is not incredibly scary either. I mean, sure, it has its moments, but it is nowhere near as scary as other entries in the series. On its own, its not a bad game, but when compared to Silent Hill 2, it simply isn't as good.

I'm not going to get really in depth with this review because this game's story is so convoluted that you'll never understand it in one playthrough without knowing everything beforehand. The story isn't bad exactly, it's more that it doesn't make that much sense, with as serial killer needing to kill a certain amount of people to do a ritual, all the while being dead himself, a victim of his own ritual. Kind of crazy, huh? Very Japanese in my opinion.

I also like just how much of this game is taken from horror and suspense culture. The main premise of the game is based upon Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window, which just so happens to be my favorite movie of all time. A man is stuck in his room and can't get out. In that case it was because he had some broken bones and a wheelchair. In this case it's because the protagonist seriously cannot physically get out of his apartment. The real problem is that he shouldn't be stuck. As you can see in the first image, the door is locked from the inside and nothing Henry Townsend, the main character, does will open that door. And that's creepy enough unto itself. How the hell did the door get locked from the inside if it wasn't our pal Henry doing it...?

So, the plot is Henry trying to find out how to get out of the room while simultaneously trying really hard to figure out why he's stuck in his room to begin with. The game goes away from the Silent Hill series staples of mists ad Silent Hill itself, and goes on to focus on outskirts of Silent Hill and a little side story from Silent Hill 2. The idea of being somewhere other than Silent Hill is a big part of Homecoming as well, although I wish they hadn't done that. It did not work as well there as it worked here.

I enjoy this game a lot. I like how it takes elements from so many great icons of horror, like Jacob's Ladder, Hitchcock as mentioned before, and a novel called House of Leaves, which just happens to be my favorite book. It does the references well, making the atmosphere both creepy and a bit of an easter egg unto itself. I like that.

So, this game should be fantastic. Well, I think it is... or at least its imagery is. The plot is... well... it really doesn't matter, which is why I'm barely mentioning it. The characters are pretty terrible too, but they do have their moments, just not many of them. So, the imagery really makes this one... mostly because without that the game would be nowhere near as good... hell, it would probably be pretty terrible actually. With the great imagery though and interesting easter eggs throughout the game, I find this was a memorable experience that I'd love to have again. I suggest anybody who really likes horror imagery to really check out this game.

Anyway, it's 2AM and that's my review.

Edit: Cleaned up this crazy review because I wrote it at 2AM and parts of it made no sense.

Video Game Assessment: Silent Hill 2 (2001)

Silent Hill 2 is known to most people who have ever been into the survival horror video game experience. Made for the PlayStation 2 for the console in 2001, it has become known as one of the best video games of all time.

Video Games tend to have a history as having storylines that aren't amazing or plots that are very simplistic, but this game has much more than just a simple plot. You may be wondering why I skipped Silent Hill, the first game in the franchise, and while it is true that I've never played the game and thus couldn't review it, it's also true that Silent Hill 2 is very much a standalone game. No characters from the first game appear in this game (except arguably the town itself), and this makes the game even better. I know I started this paragraph off talking about storylines and I'm getting to my point slowly, but surely. This game stands alone on its own without the first game's help to hold it up. It's story, although slow, is stunning and creepy and drags the player right into the madness of the town itself.

I've played a lot of survival horror games over the years and I'm going to review some of them this month, but this game is the review I've been looking forward to the most. Silent Hill 2 is one of my favorite video games of all time despite the graphical limitations for an early PS2 title and the not stellar gameplay. Strangely enough though, these things don't take away from the greatness of the game. On the contrary they add to it. The graphical limitations and strangely squarish polygons along with the mist which is a staple to most of the series, make the game somewhat more terrifying, almost as if you've wandered into some strange and horrific land of misshaped everything. The story feels so real despite the terror which adds to it. And the controls being utter crap just means that running is always an option, possibly a preferable option and it lead to an atmosphere of non-confrontation.

I just spoke of atmosphere, so I'm going to go into detail. This game is all about atmosphere. That's a strange word to use to describe a relatively simple thing like the look and feel of the game, but the atmosphere of the game is done phenomenally, and I don't use that word lightly. You can pick any movie, any book, and I don't think they'd quite be able to draw me in the way this video game did back when I first played it, and it's all because I, and I'm going to guess we, can relate to the main character, or a character somewhere in the plot. We can relate to a crappy world of nonexistence, a mad place of confusion and fear. This game takes the deepest fears in our minds and turns them out for all of us to see. It's wonderful and terrifying to see what terrors reside within us all.

I guess I should mention the plot a bit, although I really don't have to. This game is good enough that being unknown to you should force you to look into it.

The plot follows one James Sunderland who has just received a letter from his dead wife, who has been dead for three years. I know the postage system is slow... but DAAAAMN... Anyway, she writes:

In my restless dreams, I see that town. Silent Hill. You promised you'd take me there again someday. But you never did. Well I'm alone there now... In our 'special place'... Waiting for you...

Yes, James Sunderland, your dead wife is "waiting" for you. This is a bit of a problem... no, this is a huge problem. James wonders about this. He has no idea what to expect or what's in store for him, all he knows is that he wants to see what the letter is talking about... and maybe see if he can find his wife amidst a tourist town that the had a nice vacation in before she became ill and died.

The video game starts out in a dingy bathroom and outside is a dingy world. Silent Hill doesn't seem like the nice town everybody makes it out to be. In fact, the main road is closed and there's nobody around but strange noises in the mist...

Eventually James makes it into the middle of town through a graveyard meeting a young woman named Angela in the process. He comes to find that the town is... well, it's empty. There's nobody there and many roads are cut off through strange means. He sees creatures in the midst, some of which attack him, others of which want nothing to do with him. The player is drawn into the story just as James is. What could happen next? What's in store for our hero?

James wanders around the town until he finds an apartment building. He needs to go through it to find what he believes may be the "special place" Mary, his dead wife, speaks of. He thinks it could be a park. He goes into the apartments finding various empty rooms and some strange monsters and eventually a young heavyset man named Eddie who he finds vomiting into a toilet. The mood changes as James meets Angela again and she seems to be contemplating suicide. He takes the knife she is holding from her and is watched and later attacked by a monster known only as Pyramid Head.

Now, Pyramid Head is one of the most famous monsters in video game history. I won't say much about him yet. He torments James along the journey, as James goes from the park, to a sanitarium, to a historical society, to Nowhere, and later to a hotel. Along the way James meets two more characters of interest, a stripper named Maria who looks remarkably like his dead wife except for the stripper part, and a young girl named Laura.

James goes through Silent Hill focused on his one goal of finding his wife, but the game's strength relies on the other character's stories as well. We only get bits and pieces of who they are and what they're doing in Silent Hill, but their stories are every bit as beautiful and terrifying as the story of James and Mary.

James makes his way through the various places always with his mind set on finding Mary, but Pyramid Head has different intentions. He kills Maria in the basement of the sanitarium and James is forced to watch and unable to save her. The problem is that James meets up with Maria again throughout the story and every time she is killed again, but more and more quickly. She also seems to know an alarming amount about his wife and himself...

As it turns out, Maria is a dream within James' head. She was born from his desire for his wife to be alive still. Pyramid Head is the tormentor and punisher of James throughout the game and this is because Pyramid Head is James' guilt for doing the unthinkable.

I'm going to spoil the game here. Why? Because leaving this part out leaves out a large chunk of the story. James' dreams up this town of punishments because he has murdered his sick wife, smothered her with a pillow actually, just a little while before the start of the game. The letter is his own delusion he dreamed up so that he wouldn't have to face being her killer. He makes himself forget what he has done and the game is pretty much the town itself forcing him to remember and to face what he had done.

The psychological horror aspect of this video game is undeniable and visceral. It's a wonderful story that plays out in such a way that by the end you're unsure of whether to tremble or to cry. The atmosphere and the characters lead to something so believable, a prison of the mind, a trial of the mind... and it's a wonderful weaving of both story and character to make something wonderful out of both.

This game is frankly terrifying, especially if you're like me and played it blind the first time you ever played it. You don't know what's going to happen next or where the story will lead to next. You don't know where everything will lead and it makes the game horrifying. Will a monster jump out at you? Will the invincible Pyramid Head attack you around a corner? Where might the story lead to next? What the game makes is something fantastic, a great story, believable and sad characters, great and meaningful monsters and enemies, and most of all, one of the best plots I have ever seen in any medium.

I could compare books and movies to this game, but most fall short. The only book I can think of with anywhere near the emotional story is House of Leaves which I may review this October... but I'm not saying now, and Jacob's Ladder which I already said I'm planning on reviewing. So, I may make some comparisons when I get to those reviews.

But anyway this game is great. If you have a PS2 (or XBox or PC since the game is on all three), pick this game up. You won't be disappointed, but you may be terrified. If you have a weak stomach or weak heart, just read this review and look at the images and have a good time thinking about how terrifying a video game can be. This is on of my favorite video games of all time, and I can't help recommending it to the populace. I'm actually currently replaying it and it's still terrifying.

Anyway, as I've said, this game is fantastic and wonderful, and you'll see me gushing about this a million times over as I compare and contrast it to other psychological horror plots and stories, because this one is at the pinnacle of the psychological horror genre and... well, it's at the pinnacle of plots in general.

All right, that's enough of me praising something. Let's just move on from here...

Movie Appraisal: Salem's Lot (1979)

So, I have a VHS copy of the 1979 television miniseries movie of Salem's Lot. I look at the box as I'm putting the movie in to watch it. The box tells me that this movie is:

The ultimate in terror!

Well, I'm excited. I've always wanted to see the ultimate in terror. Now, wait... I'm not entirely certain what that's supposed to mean though. "The ultimate in terror"? The "ultimate" what in terror? Ultimate is an adjective, not a noun, it literally makes no sense... I mean, ultimate can mean a lot of things too. Sure, it can mean something as simple as "the best", but more often than not it would mean something as simple as the highest, or the last... which absolutely makes no sense... maybe I'm just reading into it a little too much, but this movie makes me curious. Telling me that this movie is "The ultimate in terror!" is putting my expectations pretty high. If I watch this movie and am not rocking back and forth crying out of pure manly fear sucking my thumb and praying to whatever deity will hold me close to save me from the terrifying movie, then I think this movie wouldn't have lived up to expectations, I'll be disappointed.

So, I'll watch this movie and see what happens...

Well, this is interesting, I think, as I start watching this movie. I’ve seen it before, years and years ago, but years and years ago is not now. I barely remember it. As the competent horror movie score rises from the depths of my television and the nighttime shot of a mansion turns into a daytimes shot of a mansion, the credits role and I see that James Mason and Elisha Cook Jr. are in this production. Wow, I think, that’s pretty awesome. I've always gotten excited to see James Mason in anything... I'm really not sure why...

Anyway, the first thing I notice is the washed out color of the movie. I'm uncertain whether this is the movie itself and how it was filmed (I suspect that's what it is.) or maybe the VHS is old and faded... but I'll be watching this. I find it interesting that yellow in this movie doesn't look yellow, it looks... vaguely white kind of.

Well, the movie rolls, and if I didn't know the story of 'Salem's Lot I'd be very confused. Sure, I see that a lot of scenes from the novel by Stephen King are in here, but most of them make no sense and are very disjointed. The scenes fluctuate rapidly from our hero Ben Mears (played by David Soul) to other random people. I barely have time to figure out their names as the scenes keep changing from one group of people to another.

Mr. Straker (played by James Mason) is a particular oddity. His introductory scene makes absolutely no sense in context with Ben Mears randomly appearing in the dead of night at Mr. Straker's doorstep (at the Marsten House, which is the town of Salem's Lot's haunted house) and then they both kind of fade off. I'm very confused.

As the movie goes by the structure does seem to find a nice flow, but the beginning of the movie seems to have no real pacing at all, and it confuses and worries me. I wonder if an editor actually sat down to look at this mess. I wonder if he noticed how many plot threads are never tied up or how some characters are literally just forgotten about over the course of the movie.

One particularly glaring character that just kind of disappears less than halfway through the movie is Larry Crockett, the real estate agent. He has a role fairly early on, then has a... a really weird scene involving a shotgun in his mouth (Don't ask, it's all fairly disturbing and not in the "ULTIMATE IN TERROR!" kind of way, but rather in the, "Oh, man, I don't want to see this at all." kind of way.), and then he's gone and never to appear again to my knowledge in the whole film. I think he's attacked or something, but the rest of the characters who are attacked show up later, but I don't remember seeing him.

Also, and I do have to complain about this, two characters have earned my ire by being played by absolutely terrible actors. Mark Petrie (Lance Kerwin), the teenage boy hero foil to Ben Mears' manly hero persona, and Ben Mears' love interest Susan Norton (Bonnie Bedelia). A scene of particular interest is their one scene together in which they seem to be very close to either forgetting their lines or bursting out laughing. I couldn't tell, but in such a supposed-to-be-tense scene, it was very disappointing.

Now, getting to the scary parts, which is what I'm in this for. Well, there aren't many I could even consider scary. Actually there aren't many scenes that a scared seven-year-old girl who is terrified of the dark would be afraid of, which is disappointing, but not unexpected, but the box did lie to me. This is not "THE ULTIMATE IN TERROR!" No, box... I don't care what definition you were using for ultimate, this will never be the ultimate of terror, not ever. I'm sorry, but you're wrong and you've lied to me. I would tell you off if I could, but I see you trying so hard and I just don't have the heart.

There are a few genuinely creepy parts, mostly involving the vampires coming after the main characters. Oh, I didn't mention this is a vampire movie? Well, the movie seems to have forgotten as well until the halfway point or so... So, I was in no rush to spoil the vampires if the movie was in no rush to spoil it either. This is actually and seriously a pacing point that I like. It is also in the original novel and I think it works nicely, although it was handled much better in the novel and the second television miniseries that came in 2004. The whole point is a bit of a bait-and-switch. 'Salem's Lot is supposed to start out kind of seeming like it's going to be a haunted house movie and then BAM, nope, vampires. I think it's an interesting way of doing things and if this film were competent it would have worked nicely, but the film isn't competent and it works about as well as being slapped in the face repeatedly by a refrigerator.

So, now I'm actually going to tell about the creepy parts rather than interrupting myself again. The teenage boy vampire hovering at Mark Petrie's window is a particularly poignant scene and works very well. It was creepy, but fits rather poorly with the rest of the film since it is a fairly competent scene. Another scene of note (and in my opinion the best of the movie) is when the teacher Mr. Jason Burke (Lew Ayres) is confronted by a vampire in his own house because he had unwittingly invited the man into his house before the man was a vampire. So, this vampire sits in a rocking chair as Burke comes into the room and the creepiness level of this scene is awesome. Burke sweats and is obviously terrified, as the vampire (in some great makeup, I have to say) walks slowly towards him saying,

Look at me… Look at me, teacher… Look… Look… Look… Look at me… Look at me… Look…

with such an awesome raspy voice that it was hard not to take the guy seriously. Burke, one of the best character in my opinion, gets awesome and attacks the vampire with a crucifix and then has a heart attack and is never heard from again for the rest of the movie.

Now, in terms of the main bad guy in this film, Mr. Barlow, the Dracula type of character of this story... he's... well, a Nosferatu type of vampire... and it doesn't work. He just looks silly. Mr. Straker is a much more believable (human) villain who is terrifying in some respects especially as he carries the doctor who has been helping Ben Mears with the vampires, Mr. Bill Norton, Susan's father, to his death of being impaled by antlers attached to a wall. It's pretty awesome.

Now, as for a few other things I liked, but felt fell very short by the end were the Constable (Kenneth McMillan), who is absolutely awesome in all of his scenes except for his last, and the two scene wonder of the priest, Father Callahan as his crucifix is taken by Barlow. Both characters were very well done albeit fairly small characters, but their characters end poorly because of the lack of actual development for them.

The last scene of Ben and Mark killing Barlow is all right, I suppose, but the actual staking of Barlow is overshadowed by the younger vampiric townspeople stalking out of the root-cellar behind Mark to dine on fresh blood... Having them come to life out of focus behind Mark was beautiful. It actual gave a little tension to the movie that had had little real tension.

Now, I know I barely mentioned the main love interest, Susan... well, the movie seems to forget her, so why should I remember her? She goes into the Marsten House with Mark at one point and just kind of disappears, never to be seen again... I'm guessing she was turned into a vampire or something, but there's never a resolution there and it ends on kind of "huh?" note. And what ever happened to the priest, Father Callahan? His crucifix was thrown aside, but he never shows up again. And what about Susan's mother? Does she die because of the blaze Ben Mears starts at the end of the movie, or does she leave town like she was supposed to? And what about Burke who just seems to have been forgotten? Did he recover from his heart attack or tragically pass away? I have no idea and I kind of want to know... but nope, I never will.

So, Salem's Lot was a bit of a disjointed disappointment. I had wished for a lot more from a great vampire horror story and in the end I did not watch "The ultimate in terror!", what I saw was a movie trying desperately to be the original novel and failing quite badly in almost every way. The movie is worth watching, I suppose, if you like the source material, vampires in general, or mediocre TV movies from the late 1970's, but if you don't, I'd advise you to not waste your time with this "ultimate in terror!"

October Nights

So, October is coming up by the end of this week and I had been thinking about this for a long time, so you know something, I'm going to do it... and "it" is doing a review a day for all of October. Now, I have no idea how much time or energy I'm going to have for October, but I really don't care. I am going to do a review a day all of October, so 31 reviews, all horror reviews of course, or things dealing with horror in a way.

I have to say that October is my favorite month of the year. I absolutely love horror as a genre and am going to be thrilled to review and assess horror things.

So, starting on Friday I'll be focusing on a review a day. Some of them may be very outside the box, just saying, but I also think a lot of the reviews are going to be very enjoyable. I'll have some movie reviews (some of my favorites like 1408, Jacob's Ladder, Session 9, The Changeling with George C. Scott, and a few others too.), some video game reviews (Again some of my favorites like Silent Hill 2, Silent Hill 4, and others...), and many other things. I may be focused on some books as well. It'll be fun! Yeah!

Television Show Examination: Twin Peaks

Ah, Twin Peaks... I absolutely love Twin Peaks. Now, I understand, there are many things wrong with Twin Peaks... the second half of the second season for instance, but also the whole "soap opera-esque" essence of a good portion of the show. Some of the actors weren't all that good, especially those who played some of the more normal "villainous" characters like Leo Johnson and Ben Horne. I also have to give a special mention to James Hurley as one of my least favorite characters in anything. His whole storyline made me want to chew on bricks and then bash his character over the head with various cement objects.

All of that being said, I still love Twin Peaks. It is one of the strangest, most bizarre, and really thrilling television shows ever to hit the small screen. David Lynch, the creator of Twin Peaks, really knew what he was doing in this. After making Blue Velvet he made another small town America gone wrong kind of story out of Twin Peaks. Both even had the same actor starring, Kyle MacLachlan. There are similarities in both, but a ton of differences as well. I found Blue Velvet perfectly all right, but not amazing. there was very little that I found incredibly memorable. Twin Peaks on the other hand has a huge amount of memorable moments and lines and characters and everything.

I'm actually on the fence about Lynch as a director. I do like a lot of his films, but I also equally dislike a lot of them. Mulholland Drive and Inland Empire particularly earn my ire, but Lost Highway happens to be one of my favorite films of all time. Twin Peaks has a surreal quality to it that it is pure Lynch without going off the deep end of not making a lick of sense. Sure, there are some things that are very confusing, but most things make sense in the context of the world that the characters are in.

All of that being said, Twin Peaks is an exciting story with twists and turns along the way. It is a surreal and mature way to look at a young woman's murder in a small town. There are visceral acting performances by some of the actors in the series and one scene in the second season in which a fairly well-seen character up to that point was murdered was actually pretty terrible to watch. It felt like watching an acquaintance die in front of your face with no way to prevent it.

My favorite parts of the story-arc of the series was very obviously the main storyline and trying to find out who murdered Laura Palmer and why. The surreal nature was also astounding. How many other television shows or movies have the balls to show a surreal quality? And of course, that surreal nature of the show (and the second half of the second season) was the show's ultimate downfall. And that's just too bad. Intelligent series are hard enough to come by these days because of so many reasons. Executives at networks want mindless comedy or explosions, but very few shows will show real drama, real acting, real questions, or surreal or meta-examples of humor or drama... and that's terrible. It's terrible that a show like Twin Peaks airs only two seasons while an idiotic show with base humor and no intelligence at all will air for an indefinite amount of seasons. It make me wonder about humans and our own sad lazinesses, our indifferences to actually learning something, or thinking hard about a situation.

I'm going philosophical over this, but Twin Peaks deserves this kind of discussion. It deserved better than what it got. Then again, would the series have continued being ridiculous like in half of the second season, or would it have gotten better after the season (and series) finale that was easily one of the best episodes of the entire series? That seems to happen though. Even through a terrible season a good show can come back and be just as good as it ever was. The second season of Twin Peaks reminds me of an equally intelligent show (at least in its beginnings), Sliders, which fell apart in its third season to come back with a few very good episodes towards the end of that season. (Then it fell apart in seasons four and five, but that's another story.)

I guess Twin Peaks will always be something I enjoy, something that makes me angry because it was cancelled, but also something that makes me so happy because it existed at all. It really was a catalyst in my own writing and storytelling techniques, and Agent Dale Cooper (played by Kyle MacLachlan) became one of my heroes in a way. His character was so weird, so confusing, but so focused and competent that it was hard not to look up to him. He was facing everything from weird dreams with backward-talking midgets, getting shot in the line of duty, love interests, giant men, all the way to an evil, chaotic spirit man named BOB. I mean, that doesn't even make sense, but it is awesome, every bit of it. The Red Room... Laura Palmer... all these things stick out in my mind along with other more humorous examples of things in the show like the following picture for instance: Yes, those are a bunch of donuts in front of an FBI special agent and a sheriff of a small town.

What other show could get away with that? None. Yeah, you heard me.

Anyway, it's a great show. Check it out sometime if you haven't, especially if you're into weird or surreal things, or just a person who likes a good story. Hell, if you like David Lynch check this out, and if you don't check it out anyway. It's not much like his other stuff in many ways. You'll be shocked by some of the scenes and some of what happens throughout the plot, but you'll also find solace in the fact that it all ends terribly. There is no happy ending here just like real life. People die, things happen, and the consequences of everything can be more outstanding than one could ever imagine. And if you don't care to see the series, then just go out and have a damn good cup of coffee. That will be enough to console me.

Here's Something to Read

Okay, I've probably been making more or less sense in most of my posts (even though many of my posts were made early in the summer), but here is something that is going to sound crazy. I'm going to rant on a few items and see what happens. I have no idea how many people are ever going to read this blog-thing, but I still want to rant like a crazy child that just inhaled a bunch of cocaine.

All right. Let's see what I can do here. First thing first I'm going to go back to my old formula of doing a review a week or whenever I have a chance or so. This summer was a bit busier than I thought it would be and I tended to have very little time for actual fun-styled writing. Now that I'm in college again I can get down to writing these crazy little reviews of crazy things.

I have some bigger reviews planned, mostly in the forms of books and video games, but I'll probably do some movie reviews if I get the chance and have time to see some movies. I just saw Castle on the Hudson with John Garfield and was thinking about reviewing that one. As for books, once I finish Abarat by Clive Barker I'll give a review of that. Also I have some other books planned including the Dune books, the Star Wars X-Wing series, and possibly some of my more favorite books of Neil Gaiman, Stephen King, and others. As for video games, I'm currently playing a bunch of different ones (albeit very slowly) including Mass Effect 2 on Insane mode, Kingdom Hearts, a nice little hack-and-slash number, my first Japanese RPG, Final Fantasy VII, and Dragon Age: Origins, which I'll probably be giving another, more in depth, review for in coming months. Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy VII are actually being played by my girlfriend with myself watching, although I may play a bit of them myself. I'm probably going to start Silent Hill 2, one of my favorite games, pretty soon as well.

As for other reviews, I might have some others lined up, but I'm keeping quiet about it right now.

Expect some kind of analysis about once a week or so from now on... maybe more and maybe less, but around that. I'll probably focus a bit on some of the stuff I didn't mention at first.

So, it should all be very fun and not about pangolins at all.

Stuff Analysis: Latin

Yes, I'm back and ready to talk about important things. This time I'm going to talk about one of the most important things that the world has ever known: Latin.

Now, I'm sure you're going to say something like, "Saquarry, Latin isn't important and you're a moron." Well, I'm going to disprove both points. Latin is important and I am not.

Latin is a language used in the Roman Empire around the height of their power. It is a bit of an amalgamation between a few other languages of the ancient world, namely Etruscan and Greek. It has way too many similarities to Greek to be coincidental. I kind of think that Latin is to Greek as English is to Latin. So much of English grammar is taken from the Latin (through the French) instead of the German roots that English has. Well, Latin is the same way except it used Ancient Greek as its inspiration.

The main problem with that is that Latin has no accents or any real stresses on particular words unlike Greek, so Latin poetry which runs on meter can be very difficult to understand. It makes no sense unless one also happens to know Ancient Greek.

Latin is my favorite language though. Now, I'm sure you're saying, "Saquarry, why do I care abotu what your favorite language is?" Well, you don't, but that's not the point. The point is that Latin is fun and interesting and not s easy as most people think.

Currently I'm translating Passio Sanctarum Perpetuae et Felicitatis which is an account of two female saints in the early church. Always interesting, I suppose, but also incredibly difficult. Here's a bit of Latin that gave me particular headaches:

sed uiderint qui unam uirtutem Spiritus unius Sancti pro aetatibus iudicent temporum, cum maiora reputanda sunt nouitiora quaeque ut nouissimiora secundum exuperationem gratiae in ultima saeculi spatia decretam.

Could you understand a word of that? Yeah... not easy, is it?

Anyway, Latin has a lot to teach us and I feel that ever since the Catholic Church stopped using it in their masses and schools started focusing on languages that were not dead languages the world has literally gone to hell. So, bring back Latin and stop screwing the world over, you stupid idiots.

Video Game Assessment: Alpha Protocol (2010)

Alpha Protocol, developed by Obsidian Entertainment and produced by Sega, is an excellent example of a beautifully crafted RPG. I've actually found it quite funny how many bad reviews this game has gotten from seemingly "respectable" sources, mostly because the people reviewing games are complete and utter morons who only want to shoot things and play games like Halo or Gears of War rather than an intelligent game that redesigns how people look at games.

Now, I can just say it right here: I hate Halo. I hate everything about it. I hate its smug face and its stupid gameplay, and most of all, I really dislike people who think it's just about the best thing there ever was. I love intelligent stories. I love playing a game that says something, that can change depending upon what I do, or at least a game that makes me think.

Alpha Protocol is that kind of game. It is a thoughtful ride. When I say thoughtful I mean, full of thought. The developers thought of everything, from characters commenting on what clothing your character, Michael Thorton, wears, to how you play out ever mission, to how you interact with characters. Everything changes depending on how you play the game. As one of the blurbs for this game points out "YOUR WEAPON IS CHOICE!" and it really is.

What I find most refreshing about this game is its attention to detail and how it does things differently than even most RPGs. The comparisons between this game and the Mass Effect series (especially the second Mass Effect)are pretty straightforward. Both are over the shoulder third person shooters. Both use "choice" as a selling point, both have a large cast of interesting characters, both have "hubs" and mission debriefings and multiple choices for where and what to do next. My only comment on all of that is that Alpha Protocol does almost every one of those things better than Mass Effect 2 to the point where Alpha Protocol is a much more solid game despite the reviews.

Now, you may accuse me of being a Mass Effect hater, but that is actually not true. I love the Mass Effect games. The first one had a compelling story even if the gameplay and RPG elements were suspect, and the second one has solid gameplay and a decent story, even when the RPG elements were awful. Both games had incredibly good characters as well. And I enjoyed both game immensely.

So, that being said, when I say Alpha Protocol is comparable to the Mass Effect series (and the second game especially), I mean it as a compliment. And I mean it as even more of a compliment when I say that Alpha Protocol is equal or greater than Mass Effect 2 as a wonderful experience.

Well, let me explain Alpha Protocol then without raising too many spoilers. The game is hailed as "THE ESPIONAGE RPG", and I think the point the developers tried to make there is that this is one of the few, if not the only, espionage RPG even made. And being made by Obsidian Entertainment known for their wonderful take on Star Wars in Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords and Nerverwinter Nights 2, as well as the upcoming Fallout: New Vegas, it's a game that comes off as one of the best quality games around.

If you know anything about games and Star Wars and Obsidian, you'll know that KotOR II: TSL, was about seventy-five percent finished or thereabouts at release because of LucasArts trying to rush out the game by Christmas. That being said, and I'll go on record with this, KotOR II: TSL is my FAVORITE VIDEO GAME OF ALL TIME. And that had terrible reveiws by some people because the game WAS UNFINISHED. And yet, an unfinished game is my favorite of all time even compared to actual finished games that just can't hold my interest for long enough for me to care.

My point is that because of Obsidian's wonderful work on my favorite game of all time, I was excited for Alpha Protocol hoping it would be every bit as compelling as KotOR II: TSL. And you know what? It's not quite at the favorite level of video games, but it is awesome and fun, and I've enjoyed it immensely.

Obsidian knows how to make a quality game with excellent dialogue and characters. And they do it so well that playing any other game just makes that other game seem shallow and uninteresting.

So, now, instead of talking about other games, I'm going to get down to talking about Alpha Protocol. You are Michael Thorton, a man with a multiple choice past who is chosen for a secret government agency that's working on dealing with the fallout from a missile launch on a plane in the Middle East. Thorton needs to find the evidence to see who is responsible for American missiles getting into the hands of terrorists. Along the way he meets a ton of interesting characters, ranging from the sweet, professional girl who is always on Mike's headset, to the suave snake CEO of Halbech, to the German cougar, to the psychopath who really likes dry cleaning fluid.

I just have to mention how good the characters are. Steven Heck, a character met in Taipei, and the man who really has a thing for dry cleaning fluid, is one of the most interesting characters in the game. Everything he says is absolutely hilarious and it's hard not to like him even though he is an absolute psychopath. SIE, the German cougar, and I don't mean large cat, gets another honorable mention for humming "Flight of the Valkyries" during one of your missions. I burst out laughing when she did that and I just couldn't stop. I was so impressed by the developers to be able to come up with everything.

The enemies in the game are sometimes hard to distinguish. Each character has motives for doing what they're doing and nobody is one-dimensional. No character is "evil" even though some can be degrees of ruthless, psychopathic, righteously angry, or crazy in the head. You can align with any of the characters and I'm pretty sure almost every character can die (or at least get very hurt) over the course of the game.

The gameplay is perfectly fine. It reminds me a lot of Mass Effect except it's a little bit less flashy than Mass Effect, and much more based upon stealth, being a spy game and all.

The voice work and music is sometimes particularly memorable and other times not so much. More of a hit or miss than anything else. Some characters are beautifully done, like Steven Heck, SIE, Mina, Marburg, Leland, Albatross, and arguably Sis (who has no voice actor at all), whereas some of the other voice work is just not as good... especially the Chinese accents in the Taipei missions. Anyway, this game is excellent, easily one of the best games I've played recently (along with Deadly Premonition, which was also very good but in a very different way), I am going to keep this game around with me for a long time, and I'm going to play it again and again. It's not a long game after all, probably only 15 hours long or so. And it's so much fun. I can't stress that enough.

So, if you get a chance, pick this game up and play it. It's one of the few game I've played that actually deserves a sequel or DLC or something. This game is too good not to have more added to it. But that's what I said about KotOR II: TSL, and what did I get from that? No KotOR III, that's what.

Video Game Assessment: Red Dead Redemption (2010)

Red Dead Redemption is an open-world sandbox game developed by Rockstar Games, known for their wonderful Grand Theft Auto series which I have never played and have no desire to play. Red Dead Redemption is a game set in the final years (around 1911) of the wild west of gunslingers and cowboys. The railroad is coming in and nothing can stop the road to modernity that comes from the railroads. This game sets a record for two things for me. The first is enjoyment. I've never played a game set in the wild west that was as fun as this game and I really liked playing Red Dead Revolver and GUN. The game is a spiritual successor to Red Dead Revolver, pretty much better in every way than it, and more like GUN in content, except that GUN only lasts five hours if you're lucky and has a pretty good storyline, whereas Red Dead Redemption lasts at least 20-25 hours, and has a bit of a weak story. The second is that this game gave me so many headaches, I can't even begin to count them. I'm not sure if it was the realistic environments, something always happening, or the lack of a truly coherent storyline, but this game was headache central for me.

Let me say the the plot to this game is pretty weak all around. John Marston (the player character)starts off the game getting on a train and going to a little crapsack town called Armadillo. He then goes almost directly to confront an old friend of his and is shot for the trouble. The rest of the game goes to show how John Marston has gotten in the middle of a government man and the outlaws of the Old West. The government man wants to pave the road of modernity over the "wild" west, and the outlaws like it just the way it is, lawless and harsh. The game encompasses a lot of areas, from a generic west setting that shows gangs harassing a noble ranch, to the Mexican Revolution and all the psychotics in Mexico at the time, to the mountainous west that seems much tamer in its people, but also much wilder in its climate. The plot is fairly weak, but the characters you meet in the first part of the game at least, come off as the best part of the main plot. Each one of the characters seem to have their own personalities and it's fun to see the quirky west done in a video game medium. The latter two-thirds of the game really holds little interest for me. There are some neat characters and settings, but the feeling doesn't quite live up to what one would desire it to be. The Mexico campaign especially feels more like a political statement (Although I'm not sure what they're trying to say.) than an actual main story plot. It comes off as silly and a little contrived, which doesn't make the game better in my opinion.

Since once the story is done, all the other main characters disappear and die, the game has a very empty feeling to it in the end. It's a sandbox with nobody to talk to and nothing to really do but kill a town or two, kill some buffalo, kill some bunnies, and throw yourself off of a cliff.

Maybe it's just me, but I really have an issue with these sandbox games full of a lot of nothing. I'd rather have good characters and plots than a fully opened game that gives me a headache. Now that I've gotten that off of my chest, I actually did have fun riding around the realistic landscape on my horse for long periods of time. It was fun to just ride and shoot things that got in my way. But it also got old pretty quickly.

Anyway, I did like the game. I thought it was fun for the most part, but I kind of wished the plot was stronger and the characters existed out of the main plot, but those are little gripes to a genuinely good wild west game that will keep you entertained for hours.

Animal Contemplation: Pangolin

So, now I've gone off the deep end with my analyses and have chosen to analyze a very strange animal by the name of Pangolin with the categorization of Animalia Chordata Mammalia Pholidota Manidae Manis tetradactyla... commonly referred to as the "Long-Tailed Pangolin".

Now, you may be asking yourself: "What is wrong with Saquarry? Has he gone mad or something? I thought he reviewed legitimate stuff." Well, of course I review legitimate "stuff"... but all stuff is legitimate, is it not? And pangolins are a type of stuff, are they not? So, giving a review of a pangolin is in many ways just as legitimate as giving a review of a crappy movie or a good video game.

Pangolins are an odd species... kind of like a cross between an anteater and an armadillo, except instead of armadillo armor, they have plates... almost like some kind of plate-mail. Incidentally there is plate-mail made from Pangolin armor. You don't believe me? Check this out: Pretty cool, huh?

Anyway, the pangolin is such a neat animal. It happens to be one of my favorite animals just for its sheer oddity. I mean, how many other animals looks as cool as a pangolin? I mean just look at this cute little guy: Tell me you wouldn't want to take him home. That's right. You can't say it because you'd be lying. Pangolins are awesome and now you know it.

Sure, this review might seem a tad silly to those less cultured and not as cool as I or the pangolins are, but to those that appreciate the fine art of the graceful and wondrous pangolin, your hearts will be open to their mighty nature and awesome form... and you won't die in the pangolin apocalypse which, you should know, is just around the corner.

I want to name a band "Pangolin Apocalypse" now.

EDIT: Well, since this page has become incredibly popular despite being nothing more than a filler review and a bit of a joke, I will provide actual information beyond naming my band "Pangolin Apocalypse" even if that is the coolest thing in the entire world ever.

So, let's start with some scientific stuff: Pangolins are also known as scaly anteaters or Trenggilings (I have no idea what that word actually means, but it exists as a name to this strange creature. The name, pangolin, which we usually use to name this creature is a bastardization of the Malay word penggulling meaning "something that rolls up." Pangolins are also nocturnal creatures and insectivores, well, kind of obviously with the anteater reference in one of their names.

Their taxology is hard to place on any chart. Some scientists place them alongside of armadillos, anteaters, and sloths, but their DNA suggests a closer relationship with the order Carnivora, although even that is suspect. These animals also can emit a stink like that of a skunk, which makes them even stranger. How did they animals come to pass!?

The Pangolin Apocalypse, that's how.