Movie Appraisal: Silent Hill (2006)

As can probably be inferred from my collection of horror genre reviews, I love horror, especially psychological horror. I've probably said that about a million times since I started this blog, but in this review it becomes apparent that I need to really need everybody to know that. Some of my favorite movies include the best of the psychological horror genre, including Jacob's Ladder, 1408, Sauna: Wash Your Sins. There are other good ones like The Machinist and The Dark, but there is a very clear distinction between good psychological horror movies and bad ones.

Part of the problem with any psychological movie (even without the horror) is that characterizations are difficult to do with the limited amount of time. Also using actual psychology- memories, ideas, and such-becomes increasingly difficult when the filmmakers know nothing about psychology. Sure, a good movie can still be made, but not a good psychological movie. One of the reasons I like movies like that so much is because of how difficult they are to make and the challenge of actually succeeding with them by making a clearly effective and sometimes terrifying film.

The Silent Hill series is also one of my favorite video game series of all time. I would love to review more Silent Hill games, but I also want to pace myself, really do them during my October Nights every day horror review schedule for next year. My point here is that Silent Hill is amazing for the most part. It does psychological and survival horror extremely well, terrifying the pants off of anybody who plays them. Anybody who has ever taken the time to play Silent Hill 2, for example, know that it is easily the scariest video game of all time. That's what this series has to offer, quality horror, often psychological horror, and often debilitating to the player.

God help me, I love the Silent Hill series, so when this movie Silent Hill, came out in 2006 when I was all of 17. I wanted to see it. I was dying to see it. I knew everything about the franchise, knew the characters, knew the monsters, knew the horror. I was in the mood to be terrified by this movie.

But I really wasn't. It's not that it was bad. It probably stands as one of the best movies from a video game source ever made, but the problem was that it was incredibly mediocre and not scary. There were no terrifying parts, no tension, no... anything. The acting was mediocre except from Sean Bean who is consistently awesome, but criminally underused in this film. Why couldn't he have been the protagonist and really had the video game this movie was made from really be made into a movie? (Silent Hill, the video game, had a male protagonist and the movie used the same storyline with a female protagonist. It didn't work well.)

The actors in this movie were... well, mediocre. Sure, Sean Bean is always great, but Radha Mitchell was frankly terrible. I don't know if it was her lines or her acting, but she never really seemed like a concerned mother, but rather more like a person reading from a text book. Laurie Holden, a good actress by the other things I've seen her in, is also underused here, being good in the scenes she's in, but not used enough to be effective. Alice Krige is effective in points, but silly and unneeded in the story. Where did Dr. Kaufmann from the video game go? Why is the character of Dahlia (Deborah Kara Unger) relegated to side character status?

And then there's Jodelle Ferland, who actually does do a good job as a creepy child/innocent child, but really should have been in a better movie than this to justify her performance.

The psychological elements in this film are terrible. Characters like Pyramid Head, called the Red Pyramid in the movie, is blatantly used for... no reason at all except that he's recognizable and iconic. In Silent Hill 2 he serves a purpose as both executioner and punisher, but here he is shoehorned into a few scenes for no other reason than to show up in the film and be on the posters. WHY? Why would a franchise that focuses on such powerful psychological elements criminally misuse psychological elements? Why are there sexy nurses? Why? Seriously. Sexy nurses were in Silent Hill 2 and were well-explained. Before that there were nurses, but they were monstrous, not sexy, which made sense to the game. Silent Hill, the video game, made a clear source of where the psychology comes from and how it is used. The nurses were from Alessa and her basically being trapped in a hospital. They were warped reminders of her terror and fear of where she was. Why are they sexy? It makes no sense.

There are other monsters to complain about, but that's all I'm going to say. Some things were interesting and not so terrible, like Colin, although even that was for a few seconds and mostly terrible. The bugs were silly. And here's the grossest misuse of the movie: The miners and the cult. Oh, dear God, the miners and the cult made me want to rage-quit the movie. For where they are, sure the miners make sense, I guess, but what about the stupid Christian cult? Where did the video game cult go? Why is it Christianized? I mean, yes, the cult is seriously one of the worst parts of the video games, but at least use it. Don't change it to crazy fundamental Christians and use witch burning and stuff. It's insulting and frankly terrible.

Now for some good points. The end of the movie is really well done. I found it enjoyable. The gore might be a little much at points, but the whole ending is both poignant at times and pretty hardcore at other times. The end of the movie is really original, not taking much from the video game, and that works. It's pretty cool. I love the grainy filters over the flashbacks and I wish the whole movie could have looked like that. I like the use of darkness and light in the ending and the visuals are altogether really well done. Even the acting seems better in the end.

The problem is that the rest of the film is pretty bad. The pacing is bad. The psychology is bad. The acting isn't good. Even the scenery, something that should not have been problematic, looks terrible. The visuals frankly suck even when the Silent Hill franchise is known for their amazing, terrifying visuals.

I'm not exactly in the group of some people who absolutely hate this movie, but I do think it's absolutely mediocre and forgettable. The Dark, a movie from 2005, and one I'll probably review eventually, basically follows almost the exact same plot as this movie, but with better acting, a better story, a better and more confusing and ambiguous ending, and more Sean Bean, which is always a good thing. The psychology to that move is fantastic, even if the movie isn't absolutely stunning. But I'll review that when I review it.

One more thing I'll mention about Silent Hill is that my girlfriend, a person who has never seen a horror movie before, was not afraid of this movie. She kind of just shrugged it off, saying that the only part that actually scared her was the gore, which happens for all of twenty seconds. She also hated the persistent CGI throughout the movie... and now mentioning that...

The persistent CGI throughout the movie is terrible. The transitions between worlds, the monsters, some of the visuals, etc... all look terrible with the CGI. It's painful to watch and I would have much rather had people in costumes and a transition in the character's sleep instead, like in the Silent Hill games.

There's a lot wrong here, and my biggest problem with the movie isn't even the movie itself, but rather that the next game, Silent Hill: Homecoming, used so much from the movie, that had taken from the earlier games, that it made a game that had terrible psychological elements, Pyramid Head around for no reason, miners, sexy nurses, patients... ugh... that game was awful and it's all because it took from this somewhat successful movie.

Anyway, it's not scary even though it should be, it left a bad impression on me and the Silent Hill franchise, and the video games are much better and scarier. Leave this movie alone unless you really love Silent Hill, and then realize how bad this movie actually is to fans of the games.

Also, as an endnote, there's a sequel in the works. Isn't that wonderful?

Video Game Assessment Revisit: Dragon Age: Origins (2009)

I have already reviewed this video game some time ago (It was my first review here.), but I thought that my review of the game basically sucked and I had not really come into my own as a reviewer with some kind of insane personality that I wanted so much. Well, continuing my apparent bunch of reviews about BioWare games, I am going to review Dragon Age: Origins as well as its expansion pack, Dragon Age: Origins- Awakening and all of the DLC leading up to the second game which I reviewed not too long ago.

So, this game's story is pretty simplistic, very fantasy RPG-ish. Almost every other fantasy story has a similar plot as this game. Well, really this game has two plots... both of which are very indicative of the fantasy genre of RPG. The first is dealing with an usurping "king" and putting the rightful ruler on the throne. The second is dealing with orc-like enemies led by a dragon and defeating this inhuman Blight.

The story frankly is regular and normal fantasy, which sounds like an oxymoron, but there you go.

So, the game has elves and dwarves and orcs (called darkspawn) and ogres and these things called Qunari and obviously humans. And humans are also obviously the greasiest and worst of the peoples, constantly being bad guys and being racist and such. It's pretty terrible. Why are humans always so bad? I know a lotof humans I... well, I know some humans that aren't so... okay, I know like three people I don't think would kill me in my sleep. That means that there are some good people. In this game, humans just seem so selfish and cruel and it's a pity. There are a few good ones, but almost all of them are either in your party or friends of the party characters.

Now, your companion characters are where this game really shines. You have the snarky Templar, Alistair, the snarky dark mage girl, Morrigan, the snarky old mentor mage, Wynne, the snarky elf assassin, Zevran, the snarky and ofttimes drunk dwarf, Oghren, the snarky stoic Qunari, Sten, and the bard Leliana... and your snarky dog for good measure. If snarky is mentioned in most of those characterizations, then yeah... snarky is what most of the characters in the game are. I have never seen such a collection of snarky people in my life. All they do is snark and become cynical and snark some more and become sarcastic or sardonic and... yeah... it's fine for a little while, but why is every character so snarky? Did I walk into s snarky convention while playing this video game? Seriously. And the only character who isn't snarky is the creepy female bard with the terrible voice who watches your character when he/she sleeps. It's creepy and weird and she's awkward and... why does every character have such emotional hangups? Why am I their babysitter/therapist? Why can't they help me out? Maybe my character is feeling a little down what with all the people TRYING TO MURDER ME... Maybe, just maybe, I don't want to her Alistair whine about how he's alone in the world when in my origin story, MY ENTIRE FAMILY WAS KILLED. Seriously, Alistair, I like you, dude, but you just have to stop whining constantly. And Morrigan, stop being overtly evil. Now is not the time when I'm trying to romance you or kill a GREAT EVIL. Can't you just for one second think about being a good person? Seriously.

I could go on and on about these characters, but I think you get the... DOG, NO! DO NOT RELEASE YOUR BLADDER ON THAT UNSUSPECTING CHILD!!!

Uh.... anyway...

The music of this game is fantastic. It really is. It sounds like a lot of music from The Lord of the Rings and I'm basically in love with LotR so there's that. The gameplay is annoying at times and the difficulty is impossible. Even easy enemies are insane to take down on NORMAL difficulty. It's almost as if the difficulty is actually broken. It sucks. I will admit there is satisfaction, a ton of it in fact, for killing big enemies though. There is nothing sweeter than a well-fought battle with an ogre or a dragon or something and plunging the warm, blood-soaked steel of a sword into its blasted throat. The gore elements are pretty well done, although I do wish my character had a handkerchief to wipe his face from time to time. I hate going into a cutscene looking like I just got caught in the flood of blood from Stanley Kubrick's The Shining.

So, now going into the DLC (downloadable content) and expansion: The DLC can be anywhere from really good to really awful. The first DLC actually came with the game, The Stone Prisoner, which introduces a new companion, Shale, who is basically awesome. Shale is a golem and is about as hardcore and hilarious as can be. Shale is very reminiscent of HK-47 from the KotOR series and that just makes the character that much more awesome.

There are other DLCs within the game itself, but most only add new content and items rather than memorable story elements.

Outside the game there are, besides the expansion, four DLC packs. The first is The Darkspawn Chronicles that is a funny little alternate universe in which your player character didn't exist. You play as a Darkspawn and slaughter your entire companion team in the final Dragon Age: Origins battle. It's fun, but short, and has really nothing but combat.

The next DLC is Leliana's Song which is a prequel story for the worst character in the entire game of Dragno Age. Yeah, it's a fun little story, but it very little, if anything to the entire plot of the story. Leliana had mentioned her entire story at one point, and being a bard she wouldn't shut up about it either. I guess I don't really see the point of this DLC. It has some fun moments, but ultimately comes off as overdone and useless.

The third DLC is The Golems of Amgarrok, a very short side mission with some body horror to it. Ilove body horror. The story is interesting as is the gameplay. The only complaint I have is that it is short... and very difficult. Neither of which is a plus. I would have rather had more of this DLC than the two I mentioned previously.

The last DLC, and by far the best, is called Witch Hunt. It details a search for a witch, possibly a witch known to the player character. It's a fun and reminiscent look back at Dragon Age, really tying up loose ends of story and ending the entire story with a bang. I really like it. I think the characters in it are done well, the story is strong, and it ends Dragon Age: Origins in the way it should be ended.

Now I'll move onto the expansion pack, Dragon Age: Origins- Awakening. So, this is basically a new set piece around a third of the length of the actual game. It has new character as well as some old ones, and a new area to explore. It's fairly well done in terms of story and visuals, but falls flat for other reasons. The dialogue system was changed from the one I love so much that reminded me of the KotOR series, where you can just talk to any companion at any time, to  a system of only being able to talk with them when they have something to say. Kind of silly if you ask me. It's a change I don't like and it's a change that stayed around for Dragon Age II, much to my chagrin, although it's done much better there than it is here. Awakening has some great areas within it and has some of my favorite fights within all of Origins. Blackmarsh and everything that happens there is particularly memorable, as is the Architect and what he represents, and the Deep Roads of Kal Hirol, which are so different and much more awesome than the Deep Roads in Orgins. Everything here seems to try improving Origins, and with the exception of dialogue, it seems to. Characters are still a strong element of the game, and Awakening doesn't disappoint with that, having some of the more memorable characters in the series, like Nathaniel, Anders, Velanna (even though a lot of people hate her, I like that crazy elven witch), Sigrun, and Justice. Mother is insane and a pleasure to watch, really bringing body horror to the forefront, which is something I think needs to constantly be brought to the forefront... then again I'm a big Cronenberg fan...

Anyway, the Origins game as a whole is amazing and worth revisiting here. There's so much to it I don't think I could ever go through all of it, but I'm going to damn well try. I like the game a lot. It's great for any fantasy buff, or even anybody who really liked LotR. Check it out, but remember the combat sucks if you're not on a computer, and the Xbox 360 version (which I have) looks like crap.

So, be mindful of those things and have fun.

Video Game Assessment: Mass Effect (2007)

Mass Effect is simultaneously a great game and a trainwreck. It is a beautiful game with terrible gameplay. It is rough around the edges with a diamond underneath. It has a wonderfully intricate story, but a haphazard and hard to understand world. It is the best of video games and yet it is a fleeting quality. It is one of the few roleplaying games that is hard to roleplay or even simply replay, but it does have an excellent story. How can a game be all of these things? I'll tell you.

Some people will blindly tell you that this game is a masterpiece without any hyperbole despite the migraine-inducing terror that the sidequests and the sheer brick of the background codex and lore information present. I guess I can't judge sidequests as equal to the mainquest stuff or can't say that mood-filling lore is necessarily a bad thing, but you want to know something, I will.

First, I'll start with the good: The characters in this game are absolutely fantastic as well as the settings and visuals. This is one of the most beautiful games I have ever seen and I really do enjoy simply looking at it. The characters look fairly realistic, easily better than most other games that I've played and/or seen and the actual graphics are just beautiful. There are no other words for it. Everything looks slick and shiny. The world looks better than real life even with some of the grit of real life too, making the scenery look even better with the realism coming with the fantasy. The characters all look and act like real people, and the alien characters are all really well done too, all basically being good answers to what aliens might be able to look like in a realistic science fiction world.

The science fiction here is well done. I'm not going to say fantastic because I don't think it really addressed the science without using the "Element Zero" argument, which is a bit of a cop-out science fiction-wise. It's much more of a Firefly/Star Wars kind of story than anything else. This game really reminds me of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic in almost a harsh way. It's a very similar world to Star Wars. The aliens kind of act the same, the universe is similar... Hell, even the story is pretty similar. There are Jedi substitutes in this game even if they don't have lightsabers to swing around. There are even similar "dark side" enemies. It's pretty ridiculous to see how much it takes from Star Wars. Not that it's a bad thing. It's works for the game and is pretty cool, but the taking so much from that series is still there.

So, now onto the negative and for all the positive things I've said, there are as many negatives. The positives do tend to outweigh the negatives, but they still certainly exist and are also incredibly headache inducing. The first big negative is the first one one would see in the game: the inventory system. It is a convoluted mess that took me the better part of an entire playthrough to actually understand. Sure, there is customization and strategy involved in many of the choices, but there thorough annoyingness for the player will just make the player wish they weren't there at all. In the second game of the series they went the exact opposite direction with customization, basically going passive-aggressive and skimping on weapons and armor to a ridiculous extent for an RPG. So, I claim that BioWare is a bit passive-aggressive when it comes to criticism.

Now, the whole weapon-armor issue is a kind of big deal, but nowhere as big as the sidequest issue. Now, I  liked this game a lot when it came to the story. It was really well done and engaging. I also, in games, tend to like doing a ton of sidequests as mood-fillers. I also use them to stock up on convoluted items and money and gels and everything else. I like that. I like doing sidequests. I've always been a 100% runner and that's what I like to do.  The sidequests in Mass Effect though are torturous. They're painful. I go and play the sidequests and they give me a headache. A game shouldn't give me a headache. Part of the problem is the infamous "Mako" space tank within the game that is fundamentally fun, but absolutely overused and really, when it comes down to it, not intuitive at all. The controls are wonky. The tank is not fun to play as. Exploration, although beautiful, is annoying, especially when most planets have a samey kind of look to them. Basically something that should be a small part of the game comes off as not only painful, but taking up way too much time for the rewards. So, a gameplay technique I've always employed and loved is basically punishing me. I don't like that. It took me out of the game. It made me want to play other games. Sidequests should never do that to a player. Seriously. Yes, they redesigned the sidequests for Mass Effect 2, but again, they went too far, basically taking all of the exploration out completely unless one doles out money for the DLC. What the Hell, BioWare? Why are you guys so passive-aggressive about criticism?

I will admit that the endgame is the best endgame I've ever played, bar none. It's fantastically well done, beautiful and memorable, and also flips the bird to all the terrible sidequests and gameplay one deals with throughout the game. Definitely worth it.

There's also a moral choice system within the game as well as origin story for the player character. They do tend to add customization, but ultimately are all really for nothing. They don't really change the game except in small aspects, so it's kind of a silly thing to add. There are also six classes to choose from, which is kind of neat, since half of them are hybrid classes of the usual "rogue"/"warrior"/"wizard" RPG classes. So, that's nice at least.

Anyway, Mass Effect is a good game with some bad elements to it. I like it myself, but still can't get over some of the bad elements in the game. This is one of the few games I came into this blog wanting to review because of it's great story and terrible execution. So, take my word on it, play at your own risk, but also realize it's one of the best stories and most beautiful graphics in games today, even if it does have a lot of issues with it.

Video Game Assessment: Dragon Age II (2011)

So, I haven't reviewed anything for a while now. Part of the reason for that is that I was busy, and the other part of that was this game right here as well as bits of its predecessor. The Dragon Age franchise is a fascinating one. It's like one part The Lord of The Rings, another racism and hate, all mixed together with a video game series glorifying the sweeter parts of the thoughts of any person who has ever swung a sword around in their yard or dreamed of being some great adventurer or hero fighting evil things and taking names and never giving up.

The story here is beautiful and stellar. Compared to Dragon Age: Origins (my first review here actually, and a bit of a sucky one at that) this game's story is so much more complicated. It's really wonderful to see. The choices made within this RPG determine your character, Hawke's, story as well as the story of the world itself. The characters here all feel like living and breathing people... albeit maybe a little bit snarkier than most live people I've known. Some of the characters will get on your nerves, others will become your best friends. It's interesting just how the characters were built to have personality conflicts, not only with each other, but the  player character himself. I like that.

The visuals and graphics are amazing and a wonder to behold. I don't care if you read any other video game reviewer and they say "This game sucks." or "This game looks terrible." it doesn't. This game is one of the best looking games I've seen... comparable to the Mass Effect series in that regard.

The gameplay is phenomenal. Oh jeez... it is hack-and-slash gaming with tactics at its best and I like it.

There are some issues here as well. Don't take this as blind praise. The whole game takes place in a single city, and although that city feels like home after a while, it also feels like you're doing the same thing over and over again, especially when the same caves and dungeon maps are used over and over again. I understand that it probably saves on some kind of loading time or something, but with the long loading times already, couldn't it have been preferable to just make a new freaking cave or sewer for different quests? I guess I just don't get that.

One complaint I've seen time and time again is that the game has no coherent narrative, and that the story goes and does random and stupid things, never setting anything, like the main villain, up. Well, this is true... sort of. I think this is one of those games that has to be played completely from beginning to end. What I mean by that is that to get into this game and actually understand what is going on, you must play it as a completionist. It's the only way to really get into the story and see the foreshadowing and understand the world that this game takes place in. Some main stories do kind of come out of nowhere, but not really, not if you're paying attention. There is a lot of foreshadowing.

One thing I will relent on is that the actual climax of this game seems to take place during Act II (of the three acts of the game), and Act II is also and easily the best act in terms of both storytelling and everything else. Act III seems rushed, certain quests not being completable and the quickness of the act really push that. I actually have to wonder if there was a rushed completion of this game and it is partially unfinished. The bugs I've encountered probably go hand-in-hand with that.

So, ultimately, do I like this game? Yes. I think it's fun. It reminds me of the crusades with mages. There is a very Jerusalem feel to the city of Kirkwall where the entire story, save the very beginning, takes place. I like that. I've also never seen or played anything like it before. There are politics in this story, race relations, and dealing with almost sensible prejudices. It's all very fascinating and a really fun game to play. If you've played that first Dragon Age game, you may not necessarily love this one, so watch out and beware. Personally, I find the games very different, with the first having better party companions and romances in my opinion, but the second having an actually unique and interesting story rather than just fantasy cliche. I'm a story guy myself, so I tend to like DA II for that, although I do wish it didn't seem quite as rushed as it actually does.

Sexy Shigalyov and His Turkish Coffee

Yup.

I Should Get Back To Writing Stuff Soon. But If You Want Some Mustache Fanfiction, I Think I Have You Covered With This Post.  It Took A Lot Of Time Out Of My Schedule, But I Think Everybody Will Love It. I Have A Sequel Too, But I'm Too Scared To Post It.


Deadictaed to thos peeple who made city of stones, the BEST RODIO DRAMA EVVAR!!!1

Comarade Shigalyov took a seat in his comfy and cozy chair finally relazxcing from his stresssfull day of beating everybody up beacause he is smawesome. Sighing he fell into it with vigor and the stress pooored away from him like a shedding an acron from a oak tree. He wanted to talk to his family beacausse he missed them SO MUCH but he couldt beacccuase they were farr away from him and he didn't know wwere they where beeaccsue he was fairly away in the psst frm all them peeps.

Sheigalllyov was very naked too doing all of this beecuse thats how he rolled. When he heard a knock on his front door to his rooom that he was in preseeently beeeacsue he was just so beeffy n hunky and he was a delicious sppecimen and a man of all men and everybody wanted him and he new it sincee he aw s do delivisi.

Whoopps I made a mssitake there. I ameant dto so baidniehn MY KEYBORAD IS TNOT WORKKING CORRRECTIGNKLY.

Donut you daer maek fon of m.e okat now im gonna doo the ret of the stoyr yes.

Anymor, Shehehgilav went and oppend the door and found a beaautfi mab lokngib back ant him. The man had a wondrous mustache of maginificent propositions. It would felt so nice tickling his chin. He desired it so grately it was fantastic. He stood there nekaed and the mustachioed man looked down at him and gasped with wonder! WITH WONDER!

“im Curnel Haki.” Man said,. “You are shigelyev, right?” He tried to ceep his eyes above the mans waste but could not. It was impossible. His eyes were drawn to the mans lower proportions. And how could they not be. He was fanaTSIC.

WHPOOS I HATE MY I MEAN HIT CAPLOCKS GOTTA PRESS it... okat.

Shaglove took Hakios arm and dragged him inside. “i am he.” He said. “And I want you, Mr. Hake.”

Thats whan thaere mustaches met in extasty for the first time,. It was a wondrroful feeling that meeting of mustaches. All msutaches should come togetehr in the harmony that these came together in . It would make the world a beter place and make eveelt body happier. Love. Man love is amazing. No homo.

WAIT.... my “friend” is tellibg me that manlove is homo. Oh dear. Im gonna stop and let “friend” end the rest of this. Here ya go.!

Wow, this is a pretty awful story, so I'm going to spice this biznatch up. So, Haki and Shigalyov, they're getting it on like two hardcore men like them are doing. They're making out like two mustachioed pornographers being all queer and everything. But then Shigalyov, he pulls away. Haki tells him “No” and to “keep it up”. Heh heh... But Shigalyov still plays hard (heh heh) to get. “I have a wife and I love her.” Shigalyov says. “I can't be doing these homo things with you.”

Haki is confused since Shigalyov was naked and he started it. “But I want your body.” Haki said in almost a whining tone. His mustache twitched as... man, that other dude really had a mustache fetish, huh? I'm not too partial to mustaches. Then again, I'm straight. Well, anyway, Haki still wants Shigalyov's bulging manmeat, but Shigalyov suddenly turns straight and isn't into all this stuff no more. It happens, y'know? Then he hears another knock on his door and its the sweetass and beautiful Contessa with all her bosom and everything heaving. I mean, you gotta have some kind of sweetass dame in this place if you want to have getting it on fiction. Well, the Contessa is all hot and bothered as Contessas are wont to be. I mean, hell biitches, if I was a Contessa, I'd probably be all hot and bothered too. Well, anyway, this Contessa, she's in some kind of stringy... man, it's kind of getting hot in here... I'll be back... give me a second....

what kidna shot is this? I donut like any of it. Whers all the mustachioed? Men? I want morea them and less a some werd Cuntessa whos all evil and whatbnot. All right.The contesssa leves and goesoff with soyona or mody or somehting bc those ppl donut mater nop. Only shiggy and Haks mater. An maybe some wseett syodiaaction. Yeah. I want me some nice and hunky soyida in my story. That other personb can stay away from me story. Stop with your heterosexuality and embrace the mustachioed men.

Anyway. Haki and Shiggy, their getting it on. Oh yeah. There bumping and griding and getting all the stuff DONE. Bc that hoe w they do it. Yeah, shiggy. Kepe going. MUSTACHAE> Uh... so theyre kissing all over and doin g it. What you may aks? SEX. There totttally doing sex to one another. You npow? That kind of sex that involves mostaches . Yeah. I want some hot mustache action. No homo.

Dude, no. That's really homo, aright? Seriously. Stop it. You're freaking me out. Mustaches are not hot unless you're a gay person, a white trash woman, or into racecars or porn. Seriously. I don't mind any of that, but stop saying “No homo.” It's totally homo. No lie.

Shut up, “friend”! You donunt undertsand my feeelingson the maters! So sotp youre nilllywaking!

What? Look, the story should be, all I'm saying, not all gay and everything, especially if you're not gay. You like the womanfolk then you should be writing about the womanfolk. When you write about mustachioed men getting it on, it's a little upsetting to me. Look, I'm tearing up over here.

THIs iz me storee!Stop it! Shiggy and Haki are geten it on and theats it. No womanflock or nothing. Crap, I shoud deleeet your conceveratisatiinog. But MY BACKSPICE Key donut work! And DELLLETTT is eten by my sisster. Shes gotta key fetsih sumtimes. Weird, right? NO, Cpompurter, Im not spelling “werd not like that! Yiour rwong!

SHUT UP, all you hatas! Im gonna write this fanfiction about my favotire radio dram! And you aint goong stop me! Nobodyes gonna stop me massage! So then Soadyi cum in and getsinto the mustache mixture of love. Oh yeah. And... uh... stuff happens and then they all go and smoke everthing afterwedrds! Yeah! Perfect storee 100%!

Movie Appraisal: Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)

Star Wars... the original, the one that kicked off an entire franchise that nerds and normals equally love. It is a near-perfect space opera, a fantasy done in a science fiction universe with an epic story and beautifully done characters.

I was originally going to start my Star Wars movie reviews off with The Phantom Menace, but I thought that the name of that movie was so stupid that I'm going to save that when I'm feeling particularly vicious and angry at everything.

Star Wars, the original, also subtitled these days as A New Hope, and which I will abbreviate as ANH throughout this review for ease of typing since this is going to be a particularly long review, is simply a sublime movie from beginning to end. Some may say that Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back is the best of Star Wars, but I tend to believe that they are objectively equal in status and quality. ANH starts off the story, it begins everything. It is a self-contained story full of great characters and situations, humor, seriousness, and many other beautiful and colorful elements. Despite the alien environments, we connect with the characters. We understand their plight.

Luke Skywalker (played by Mark Hamill), the protagonist, is a young man working on his uncle's farm (It's a moisture farm for those of you who want to know.) who dreams of one day doing great things, going to the Imperial Academy to be trained and then defecting to the Rebellion against the Empire. He hates the Empire and everything it stands for, and our impressions of the Empire are already not good. The Empire has stormtroopers, and a big guy in a black suit and helmet named Darth Vader (David Prowse, voice by James Earl Jones), who really does not really seem like a good guy. The Empire also employs only British actors, so therefore they must be evil! Seriously though, the Empire comes off as a bunch of regular bureaucrats and such working for a corrupt and often evil higher management. It almost, and I'm certain this was meant to be the case, is indicative of the Nazis. This extends to not only how they act, but the way they are dressed as well. Stormtroopers bring to mind the German Storm Troops of World Wars I and II, and Darth Vader is very reminiscent, especially in the way he acts, as being an SS officer controlling the shock troops.

This whole idea makes the entirety of ANH a fight between good and evil, and we see it as such. We are reminded of the Nazis and just how bad they are and we are made to feel a certain way about the Empire and feel pity and even hope for the small band of rebels struggling to change their galaxy. We see heroic archetypes all over the place, from Luke Skywalker being the classic hero, without a tragic flaw, ready to stand up and fight against nearly insurmountable odds, to Han Solo (Harrison Ford), the anti-heroic archetype, the rogue with a heart of gold in the end. We see that Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) is the damsel in distress as well, just like in many classic myths and stories, but the twist is that she's a strong woman, ready and very able to take care of herself in a hostile environment. This shows so much about the story and I have not even touched upon the story yet. 

The characters define the plot. Each and every character is memorable. When you think about Star Wars you generally are going to think about something in this movie, whether it be the Death Star, any of the characters or situations, or a quotation or two. That's one of the reasons this movie is so good. It is so memorable. It sticks in our heads and makes us want to fly our own Millennium Falcon, shoot down a Death Star ourselves, or join a band of freedom fighters looking to save the galaxy from oppression. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness) represents an old mentor, dying before his time and giving the hero a reason to fight, a real reason, and not simply a philosophical one. He becomes the most interesting character in some ways because of his relevance and because of how he is portrayed within the film itself. I will get back to that point.


ANH takes ideas from so many other places that it is ridiculously derivative in some ways. The obvious ones are from World War II, but other ideas come from Frank Herbert's Dune in terms of Tatooine, the desert planet to "spice" and its connotation in the film, to Akira Kurosawa Samurai films, especially The Hidden Fortress (1958) where much of the ideas of the droids, the princess, and much of the main plot comes from. The droids, R2-D2, and C-3PO, are used as comic relief in some ways, but they are never unrealistic despite something like a droid not actually existing in our own world. They do things that are not impossible for a droid to be designed to do. They help make the universe of Star Wars have meaning, and it becomes defined forever as a science-fiction fantasy epic, as full of humor and social commentary as it is with heroic ideals and wonderful visuals.


You come to fall in love with each and every one of the characters in turn. Every single one means something to the story. Obi-Wan Kenobi, for example, despite being an old man full of regret, still deems it necessary to fight in any way he can. He is an old Jedi, basically a warrior-monk with a lightsaber, a sword that can cut through anything, and the Force. The Force is everything in the galaxy. It is a religion, a way of life, and source of energy and motion of the mind. Jedi can control the Force and direct it outward, either to see into the future, feel what's going on in the present, and speak with other peoples' minds across a great distance, or to use it to perform extraordinary acts, like moving something with their mind, tricking people into thinking or doing things they would not have otherwise, or simply doing something that requires an intense trust in oneself.


Getting back to Obi-Wan Kenobi as a character though, he becomes devious in the movie, moving the plot along and manipulating circumstances to get exactly what he wants. And he's a hero! You may not see it all at first, but watching it as many times as I have, I have come to see which characters are much more than they appear and which are single-minded, and none in this movie are single-minded... at least not in the bad character kind of way.

You can balance Obi-Wan Kenobi against the true villain of ANH. No, it is not Darth Vader, despite every single fanboy thinking that is the case. The real villain is Grand Moff Wilhelm Tarkin (Peter Cushing), the man who destroyed an entire planet, who had no mercy whatsoever, and who nearly destroyed another. He wanted to wipe out the Rebellion, and succeeded in wiping out a planet sympathetic to the Rebellion and what they wanted, but this also succeeded in rallying people against the Empire and what they stood for. Their show of force was countered by an equally brutal show of force when Luke blew up the Death Star moments before it would have blown up the fourth moon of Yavin where the Rebels were based.


The whole story has a very early cinema feel to it, taking things from Metropolis (1927), like C-3PO for example, and a movie like Casablanca (1942). Han Solo especially gives off the vibe of a Humphrey Bogart-like character, and the dialogue seems so natural and banter-ish, that it is easy to see where the fast-talking World War II movies had their influence here.  


The plot is so intricate and fascinating. Everything flows together, from beginning to end, shaping our perceptions and our sympathies. We have fallen in love with this film because we have had no choice. It is an objectively good film, derivative in all the right ways, new in even better ways. What is does right it does so well that it blows most other films right out of the water, and what it does wrong is very little.


I have mentioned the characters so much because those are the iconic elements from this film. Sure, there are many great plot pieces, from the Millennium Falcon and our heroes getting stuck on the Death Star, the Empire's fortress, to Obi-Wan Kenobi letting himself be struck down so that he can assist Luke in the future by being even stronger than he had been. The first shot of the movie, the VERY FIRST SHOT, tells us everything we would ever need to know about the very nearly simplistic plot of the film. The Rebels are in their blockade runner, the Tantive IV, racing away from the Empire, represented by a gigantic Star Destroyer. The Rebels have stolen the plans to the Empire's fortress and evil space station, the Death Star, that has power enough to destroy an entire planet in a single blast.

The Rebel ship is boarded and we come to see and fear the Stormtroopers and their apparent leader, Darth Vader. They make short work of the poorly equipped freedom fighters. At the same time, seamlessly integrated into these scenes are the first two major characters introduced, the droids. We sympathize with them. R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) is cocky and rebellious himself, hotheaded and ready to help in anyway he can, whereas C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) is timid, and would rather not get involved in anything too sketchy, and yet he is every bit the hero that R2-D2 is, but in a different way. He focuses more on the moment and communication, but helps in his own way throughout the film, even if its nothing more than reprimanded R2-D2. And because these droids receive our good graces, everyone associated with them gradually does too. Princess Leia, a strong female archetype from beginning to end, interacts with R2-D2 all but a moment and her status as a hero in her own right is established early on.

Then as the movie advances we meet Luke Skywalker, the new owner of the droids. We see his life, see him whine about not getting the chance to do what he wants. We get the feeling that he is being held back for some reason, but we never see why, not until the next movie at least. His Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru seem to think he would be safer away from the war and the Jedi, and yet Luke is picked up and dragged into the fray as if he were destined to be a hero from the very beginning. His uncle and aunt are ruthlessly murdered and set ablaze by the Stormtroopers looking for the information on the Death Star placed in R2-D2 by Princess Leia. With nothing left, Luke decides to fight and the plot kicks off and never stops. Obi-Wan and Luke meet a rogue with a heart of gold and his hairy co-pilot, Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew), and they set off on an adventure to find Alderaan, and help out Bail Organa, Princess Leia's father and a leader of the Rebellion against the Empire.


Unbeknownst to them, Alderaan is destroyed by Grand Moff Tarkin and the Millennium Falcon, Han Solo's ship, is taken into custody by the Imperials while our heroes go off to save the Princess and themselves. The Death Star scenes are some of my favorites, a comedy of errors and misfortunes, eventually resulting in almost all of our heroes getting away, with Obi-Wan sacrificing himself in front of Luke, I think, for the purpose of showing Luke the true evil of the Empire, and how he needs to fight them and not run away. Remember that Han Solo, before he leaves right before the assault on the Death Star, asks Luke to come with him. Maybe the outcome would have been different if Obi-Wan had not died. Maybe everything would have changed. Maybe he needed to die to cement Luke as the hero of this story rather than a simple side character. And that's the brilliance of Star Wars. The rogue comes back to save the hero and the hero succeeds and gets awarded for his bravery in the end.


The perfect ending to such a wonderful and engaging story. I could spend hours going over every aspect of this film, from the beautiful scenery, to the special effects which were amazing for their time, and, in my opinion, are still gorgeous today, even by modern standards. The aliens seen in the movie are diverse and different, giving a feel of a place so far away, but with the same problems we face. And that's the brilliance. That's the art of Star Wars. It is not about the special effects. It is not about what could not be done. Instead this movie seems to be a triumph in the idea of winning in the face of every adversity. If you go and watch a making of feature about this film, you will see just how many things the filmmakers had going against them. They were doing something completely new in some ways, the special effects were ahead of their time, the costumes, and George Lucas, the creator and director of Star Wars wanted things to go his way despite really not getting his way over many things. Some editors he worked with only wanted to do their cut of the movie rather than what he wanted. He had constant fights with the cameraman over angles and the kinds of shots he wanted. The actors more than likely improvised large portions of dialogue, and the filming off of any set was difficult. Filming in Tunisia for the Tatooine scenes were particularly trying. And maybe that's all part of it. Maybe the artistic vision needed to have setbacks, needed to have troubles. It made everybody more invested, more in love with the product they were making. It was not about being in front of a green screen on a sound stage, or inserting CGI all over the place without giving us a reason to care about the characters. No, it was a character study from beginning to end, giving us the feeling of real relationships happening between characters, real friendships either forming or being there all along. EVERY character feels real. Every plot is engaging. You can feel the budding friendship between Han and Luke, the stable friendships between Han and Chewbacca and between the droids.You can see how Luke truly respects R2-D2 and C-3PO, but also uses them as the tools they are meant to be, something we do not understand because to us the droids are every bit as much characters as Luke or Han, but in the Star Wars universe, they are machines used for doing certain things, and that is what this movie gets right. It gets the details right, the feeling right. Sure, there may be mistakes that anybody can point out, but on a whole this is one of the best movies to ever be made, both in terms of scope and in terms of quality. This is the movie that made me into a Star Wars fan to begin with, and I will always look fondly on this film, even though I have seen what Star Wars has become. To go from such amazing beginnings and to end on such a low note, to have the drivel that is coming out of the collective excrement hole of all the writers and such of Star Wars today is a sad thing to see, but I will, no, we will, always have the classic... Star Wars.

Emotion Critique: Love

So, I was told recently by the voices in my head that never stop speaking to me that today is something called "Valentine's Day", a day supposedly used for giving people generic store-bought cards, candy, and flowers that will wilt and die, much like most love will. Oh, I kind of made myself sad with that analogy. It's okay, self. You'll be okay. All you have to do is think about all the fond candy that your significant other might try to fatten you up with... and once you get fat...

Oh, look, I'm supposed to be critiquing a topic here. This one is the emotion humans call "love". What is this "love"? How do you go about making it happen? Well, I will be your guide to the "love". Yes.

Love is supposed to be one of these kinds of selfless ideas, like saving orphans from a burning building. Those orphans are never going to pay you back no matter how many times you save them. Nope, they're just going to want you to adopt them and feed them probably... and you won't know what orphans are supposed to eat and you'll give them some dog food, and then somebody will tell you that you're not supposed to feed the orphans dog food, and then you'll be all like, then what do I feed these orphans? There are so many of them and I'm not giving them my food. Then the orphans will be taken away from you, unless you're really crafty, but... uh... I'm not supposed to get into that. I had one of those things... a... uh... yeah... moving on...

Love is all about doing the right thing and not screwing up even a little. Since I'm a straight man, I'll give you a straight-manly example of screwing up love. So, let's say you go and like a chick and she likes you back and you hit it off pretty well. You're going on a date taking her to some nice Italian restaurant with some nice music playing in the background, and your orphan slave is carrying your bags... NOPE! You see? You already made a mistake, you moron!  You can't take her to an Italian restaurant! That ruins love! That's it! Love is thrown straight out the window because of your rancid garlic breath. No woman ever like rancid garlic breath and if they tell you, oh, it's not problem. I like garlic, then she is a succubus and will probably attempt to feast upon your viscera. Hint for love: Don't let this happen to you! The only known way to stop a succubus is by making terrible bird noises and poking her incessantly until she leaves, never to return probably.

Okay, so, don't look now! Love is staring at you in the face! You and your mildly disconcerting orphan slave have managed to impress a female homo sapien by taking her to a nondescript restaurant owned by a nice slick-looking man named Jimmy, and by not eating garlic or having her be a succubus. THIS MEANS YOU ARE SUCCEEDING AT LOVE.

Haters will tell you that this is untrue, that love is not a game, but they are wrong. Love, an emotional state, is a game that you WILL NEVER WIN. Don't even think you can. The only way to win is to not play at all. Well, that's not true. You can do some things to win, but I'll get to those things later.

Look, the first kiss of love is the most important thing in the world. Don't be intimidated by the female's proboscis, or her strange desire for your blood. This is only natural. Once you couple with the love-creature-female, you will only have seconds to make certain you have established that the title of lover is yours. You must hurry and deliver the stork to the messenger... if you get my meaning. *wink*

After you are finished with love, you have to run really fast or else angry love-gnomes will chase you down and beat you with aluminum bats. Yes, this is actually a part of love that many people forget. DON'T BE THE GUY OR GAL WHO FORGETS THIS IMPORTANT PART OF LOVE. Remember to bring your anti-love-gnome spray, as well as a golf club or two to take those little suckers down once and for all, those damn horrid creatures.

Oh, you don't believe all of what I say? Fine. Go ahead and love and see what happens. If it's not as bad as that then you have evidently copulated with one of the genetic mutants of the female branch of our species. If it's worse then I will pray for you because I think you are to be pitied.

The one thing I haven't mentioned is that once you have established your dominance and given the female all of your time, effort, and fortune... as well as all your "love" as if that were a quantifiable thing without the love-gnomes... then you have become the slave to her. And there is nothing you can do. You're probably not even reading this because she has already removed her chassis and is now  feasting on your organelles.

Yup. I'm not wrong even a little bit because I'm the smartest and also number one. If you disagree then you just don't understand and you're a spud of lard.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Don't let the love-gnomes get you...

La lala la la la la la la l ala la la la la al al ala la la la la la lla.

P.S. Also, from what I've seen, love also involves sparkly men and bored women. I must research this because this might be the breakthrough I've been looking for... it involves a movie-book called Twilight, and I think... well, I think to understand the love-gnomes and the females I know what I must do. I must watch this Twilight and see why it is the greatest love story in the entire world. I shall get back to you and tell you what I've learned. I am not a sparkling man or a bored woman, so I don't know how I'm supposed to fit into this "love", but I suppose it should be obvious when I watch the film. I think it will involve dumping barrels of glitter on myself and streaking through the women... all the women... it is the only thought that makes any sense at all. The movie will be interesting if it is about sparkling streaking men and bored women looking to find their glittery princes through spontaneous, and oft-times disgusting means.

P.P.S. If you disagree with me about love, write me a message, 10 words or less, telling me how and why I am wrong. If you can't prove it in 7 words than I have to say that I'm right and you're an idiot who doesn't know anything about the "love".

Movie Appraisal: How to Train Your Dragon (2010)

So, here's a fun movie here that was really nice and watchable.

All right, I'm going to admit that I have no idea how to review a movie like this. I don't even know what kind of genre this is. I AM LIKE A FISH OUT OF WATER REVIEWING THIS SUCKER. I'm used to horror, psychological horror, video games, horror, psychological... oh... I already said that. So, this child movie is kind of throwing me down, beating me up, and stealing all my lunch money, and I don't really know what to do. I'm basically letting this movie run off with my lunch money. I'm not even chasing the film down, tackling it to the ground, and then shoving its face in the snow, like I would do once upon a time if anybody dared to steal the lunch money of the Saquarry. I can be vicious is what I'm saying, like a small angry weasel of death come to reap your soul. Why would I reap your soul? WHY NOT?

Okay... okay... so, yeah... getting to the review... because I'm reviewing this. This is happening. I'm telling you I'm going to review a child movie full of dragons and tiny young people who kind of freak me out a little. What is with tiny young people anyway? Why are they so small and stupid? Oh, and if you are one of these children people (Children is such a stupid word.) then you should not tell me about it, because I... What am I doing here? Why am I ranting about how small things kind of freak me out? I think I'm supposed to be telling everybody reading this what I thought about this movie and probably making you either want to watch it because I'm a perverse individual full of hatred or because I'm a nice guy who thinks you'd enjoy it.

All right... All right... This is a good film. It was fun to watch. Kind of cute. I didn't mind the cuteness too much, but if there was an inch more of cuteness I would puked stakes of fire out of my nose. Yes, you don't understand. Cutesy films are not my kind of thing. This one wasn't bad though. I thought the plot was fun. The characters were interesting, but contrived. The whole Viking thing was interesting and silly, but also kind of fun as well. The imagery was pretty cool. The main dragon himself was neat, good ol' Toothless. The main character wasn't too annoying and I didn't mind him all that much.

Basically I did like this film even though it was WAY OUT OF THE WAY not my kind of genre. Basically this is about as far away from my genre of choice without getting into romantic comedy that I will allow myself to get. Romantic comedy makes me shoot suns of doom from every orifice of my body. So, I tend to avoid romantic comedies, especially those that involve that certain blonde that I'm not fond of or that guy who's in like every romantic comedy ever made who also happens to look like an absolute tool and if I knew any chick who was dating that douchebag, I would think less of her for doing so, to the point where I would disown her... even if I didn't own her in the first place... look, that's not the point. You're thinking I'm creepy, but you're not getting the point. Get the point. No, don't judge me... GET THE POINT.

Okay... is there anything else I should mention? Okay, the battle thing at the end of the movie was cool. The voices and characters and dragon design were pretty good.

Yup. That's about it.

I am so going to try and have more time this next week to actually watch something that I can actually review without making myself out to be completely out of control of every one of my faculties including mind control of myself...so, self-mind control, which should so be a thing... which it is, I guess, but it should be called that constantly.

I am so going to try and review Silver Bullet before next week arrives. I've been wanting to review that movie for months...

Movie Appraisal: Ink (2009)

Have you ever wanted to see a truly artistic film, a film that is every facet of beautiful and endearing? Have you ever wanted to fall into the realm of the story of a movie so fully that the movie seems to become real to you?

I know I speak out a ton about some of my favorite movies, and sure, maybe I'm wrong about their quality, but I enjoy them quite a bit, and this movie is in my top movies of all time. It's not because it's psychological horror or because it's Jacob's Ladder, but because this movie stands on its own. It does things I've never seen movies do before. It uses the visual effects to its advantage rather than its disadvantage like most modern movies seem to. I can compare the Star Wars prequel movies here or Transformers, movies that used special effects to look "cool" or whatever the hell they were trying to do. I don't even care because all those movies are terrible.

Ink, on the other hand, is a wonderful case of needing the visual effects for the story to be better. And the story is so absolutely stunning that I don't even have the words for it. I watched the movie for the first time about a year ago and fell in love with every aspect of it. There was not a single line that made me cringe, not a single scene that made me question the motivations of the characters or the people making this film. It comes off as a beautiful story from beginning to end, a fairy tale in some ways, and in others nothing more than a dream, but a dream with so much meaning.

Yes, I tend to like the "It was all just a dream." or "The guy was dead/dying the whole time." kind of plots. And this has elements of that, but it also has, I think, a deeper meaning than most of those types of movies. I think it is in many ways much more metaphorical, and also much more beautiful. It isn't trying to be horrifying, it's trying to tell a story, and for that I have to give it all the recommendation I can possibly give. It feels like a true hero story, from the beginning and the introduction to the characters' struggles and trials, to the middle, the darkest point, where nothing is certain, to the end where everything is resolved and you kind of just want to sit down and cry for a while because of just how sad, bittersweet, and beautiful this movie is.

Ink reminds me of What Dreams May Come quite a bit, if you've ever seen or hear of that book/movie before. The plot is somewhat similar, but flipped, and the situations are very different, but the stories end up being very similar to one another. And because What Dreams May Come is one of my favorite stories I have to say that it makes Ink that much better.

This is one of the few movies I would say benefits from its characters and story. Most movies have characters that don't matter and a story that barely exists, but this film relies so heavily on those things that it would be nothing at all without it.

I guess I should summarize the story... Anyway, there's a man who's depressed, his daughter who is taken by an ugly, scarred brute, and the being who seem to protect the people of the world. That's about all I can say. I hate giving the story or plot of this movie away. It's better to watch it than have me reveal all of its secrets. The movie is actually free to watch online. I don't think the filmmakers charge anything to watch it, or at least they didn't back when I watched it the first time.

This is truly one of my favorite movies and I think it should be required watching for every single living person. It's simply that good.

One thing I do have to say is that I was checking this film's Wikipedia page, and it told me that this film's genre is science fiction and fantasy. It's not. Wikipedia lies so badly it actually makes me want to rage throw Wikipedia out of a window. This film is very psychological and very dreamlike, but there is absolutely no sci-fi anywhere in this, and the fantasy element is less fantasy and more straight psychological metaphor. I would group this film much closer to the Silent Hill movie, for instance, than to Inception, just because of the metaphorical ideas presented within. I don't think the meaning of the movie is pointedly hard to get or anything, but it seems like a lot of people really don't understand this film when it's actually quite easy to see what it's about if you pay any attention at all. I guess I think that most people don't really get a movie like this because they're too stupid to actually pay attention to anything for a few minutes straight without wanting something to explode or a big famous actor to come on screen or something. Society makes me sick.

This film is such a wonderful experience. It made me, the harsh cynical Saquarry, who hates everybody and everything, really want to give everybody a collective hug and kind of tear up a little and pretend I had something in my eye... because I did have something in my eye, all right? I was totally not crying. My point is that this is a feel-good movie with elements of being bittersweet. It's the movie equivalent of hugging a cute puppy.

Now, go watch this film. No, stop reading this and go watch it. You're wasting your time and mine continuing to read this when you should be watching the film and doing something productive. Fine, I'll stop and you can go and watch it and you can tell me how right I was and I can act smugly superior for a while.

Yeah.

Video Game Assessment: Portal (2007)

So, when I think of a wonderful and nearly perfect video game, Portal is it. I'm not going to go ranting and raving about how good this game is because every other reviewer worth anything has said the same thing. This game is amazingly fun. It's a puzzle game that's unlike anything you have ever seen before. It has amazing graphics, a wonderful pace, and an interesting story presented in an extremely memorable way.

Basically the point of the game is to go through a series of "test chambers" and complete puzzles while a female computerized voice (named GLaDOS) gives you advice and kind of helps you throughout the different chambers eventually leading to... well, I'm not going to spoil that...

The premise of the puzzles is that you have to use a gun that creates a "portal" between two different places in the chamber and use combinations of gravity, inertia, and general physics to solve the different puzzles.

Valve created this game and it does use the same kind of graphics and physics engine that Half-Life 2 does. It looks incredibly good and is an incredibly fun game to play. Its short length (I can beat it in about ninety minutes or so.) really does leave you wanting more, and not many games today do that. Most games seem to overstay their welcome while Portal doesn't in the slightest, which is probably why there is a sequel coming out soon... the demand for this type of game is huge.

I'm not going to say much more. If you haven't heard of this game, you really should look into it, and if you have then you don't need me to tell you how good it is. If you like games and haven't played this one, what the hell are you waiting for? If you don't like games, I still recommend trying Portal out. It's fun and intelligent, and really is one of the best video games out there PERIOD. I mean, it's an incredible game and needs to be seen to be truly believed.

This is one of my favorite video games. I really enjoy it. Check it out if you get the chance. Just remember that (I'm going to smack myself after saying these memes, but I think it will be worth it because this is a review dammit.) "the cake is a lie" and that you have to kill your best friend, the companion cube. Also, you're a monster.

There, are those enough memes? Can I stop now? Yeah, now you're thinking with portals...

Movie Appraisal: Deathwatch (2002)

Deathwatch is an interesting take on the psychological horror genre. I won't say that this is the psychological horror film to end all psychological horror films, nor will I say that it's better than a ton of the mainstays of the genre like Jacob's Ladder, 1408, and Sauna, but I will say that this is a good film for satisfying a bit of a psychological horror junkie.

The film takes place in World War I in the trenches and follows around soldiers from Great Britain as they fight their way through the Germans. The movie has an interesting cold opening followed by a very different kind of set piece altogether. You might think that this is a film about war, and to a point you would be correct, but this is a film about war like Sauna and The Objective are movies about war. There's no real war that we see on screen, rather most of the movie shows us imagery of war and the horrors one could see, from madness, to losing limbs, to forgetting God, to being shellshocked, and others. I feel that this movie shows a decent psychological approach to war, especially World War I and its trench warfare and lack of good medicine.

The barbed wire imagery is especially telling, and I feel it makes this movie even better. I'm not going to praise this movie up and down. There's a lot wrong here even if some of it is done pretty well. The acting is decent, but some of the actors are better than others. Andy Serkis really stands out in his part, blowing away the other actors in this by a long shot. The CGI stuff (I suspect it's CGI at least.) looks pretty fake, but then again this is a 2002 movie, and I guess I can forgive it a bit, since it alternates between looking really good and looking pretty bad. The fog effects are sometimes very good and other times pretty awful.

There are gore effects well, and I do understand why they're there, but I also think some of it was completely gratuitous. I feel that the filmmakers really shied away from very visceral imagery, but at the same time seemed to revel in gore, which makes absolutely no sense if you haven't seen the film. I almost feel like they showed us the wrong scenes as gory save one towards the end that I felt was especially justified to show. Most of the gory scenes felt tacked on and needless where a lot of the scenes that should have had gore shown in them really did shy away from the gore. It really made no sense to me, especially in a horror movie like this.

The cinematography is decent, but not amazing. This is not a masterful psychological horror movie, just an interesting and decent one. Most of the scares come early on in the movie as does most of the atmosphere. By later on the movie really kind of loses all suspense and becomes a glorified slasher film which really took a lot away from this film. It was too predictable, too easy to figure out. There were no interesting twists or turns, no huge revelation, no interesting plot. If you've seen any given psychological horror movie, you've seen this one. The thing going for this one is that it's different. The characters are interesting, it takes place during World War I, and it has a lot of war imagery when most psychological horror doesn't. That's not necessarily a huge plus in my mind, but I do think this movie really does work decently and was kind of enjoyable if not even close to the best film of its genre.

There's not much more I can really say. The ending was silly, the story moved slowly despite being a short film, and I never really felt engaged with anything besides Andy Serkis who was playing, like always, a crazy person.

Man, if I could I would just make a movie about Andy Serkis flipping out. I could watch that guy flip out all day. The best parts of the movie for me were him flipping out at people. I can't stress that enough. If you have some kind of deep Andy Serkis flipping out fetish, this is the movie for you, otherwise just go watch Jacob's Ladder since it's a better war-driven psychological horror movie by far.

Movie Appraisal: Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

"There is no way out of here. It will be dark soon. There is no way out of here."

You said it, Torgo. I don't think I'll ever be able to get this film out of my head. It's like a disease that won't let up... It's like I've watched the movie in The Ring except it's not some creepy little fifty pound girl who's going to come out of my television and get me, it's a brain aneurysm caused by anger and confusion over this film and just how bad it was.

I watched this film not knowing what to expect. I knew it was bad... Hell, I knew it was REALLY BAD, but I thought that maybe somebody got it all wrong... maybe they didn't know what they were talking about and this is really and fantastic and underrated gem of a movie. No... no... It's not. Don't watch this film. Don't even think about watching it. It's not fun, not enjoyable... it's like getting repeatedly stabbed in the chest with all the pain that entails, without dying, and also being completely bored and wishing you could just end it all right there and then.

Am I even making sense anymore? Okay, this film, nowhere near as bad as the abomination that is Space Thunder Kids, but it's bad. The film is amateurish, and is shot like a really bad high school student film. The acting, although bad, is actually usually palatable when the main female lead isn't on screen. The main female lead, I believe her name is Margaret or Maggie... possibly both... I don't know or care and I'm not going to use my brain to think about it... well, she happens to be my least favorite character is any film I have ever seen. I wanted her to suffer in a way I've never wanted any character to suffer. Useless doesn't describe her... I want a word that is more intense to describe her... rocklike... a big sack of nothing... DAMMIT, WOMAN! Why couldn't she do anything? Why did she get tired constantly? Did she have brittle bone disease? Some kind of horrible disease that make her weaker than a newborn kitten that also happens to have no legs, and may in fact be pond scum. THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!!! I hate that woman so much! She gives human beings a bad name. No, Maggie, when it seems like some creepy guy might try to take advantage of you, you do not just stand there staring at him awkwardly, not backing away or trying to get away at all... you don't do absolutely nothing... The only thing that saved you was that Torgo was a decent dude, who although a bit of a moron himself, was smarter than your stupid idiotic self. WHY THE HELL DID YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR STUPID MIND ABOUT WHERE TO GO AND WHAT TO DO!!?!? Why did you fall on the ground every five seconds? Were you that tired? How can any human be that tired and not be on a freaking respirator in some hospital somewhere looking for a lung transplant or dying of awful cancer or something. I'm not even saying this in jest. What the hell was that woman doing?

Moving on, I need to talk about some of the positives of this film to get the awful taste out of my mouth. I liked the music mostly, believe it or not. It was pretty decent and it set the mood pretty well. Torgo, the caretaker of... wherever they were... was pretty awesome. I would have watched a film of him just talking or doing stuff. Hell, a film of Torgo doing his taxes would have been more enjoyable than this. The Master's mustache was pretty awesome. I think that's it for positives.

Since most of this film is made out of negatives, it's really hard for me to precisely focus on what the worst things are, although I am damn well going to try.

The dubbing was awful. The cinematography (That is way too technical a word to call the crap that is this film.) is atrocious. I'm pretty certain every cut is awful... right before the editing cut the character might be running away and then it cuts and the character has stopped, turned around INSTANTANEOUSLY and looks very comfortable talking to another character.

I've never seen a movie make a cat fight (and by "cat fight" I mean women fighting each other for some reason only they seem to know) unappealing and frankly weird. It was awkward and uninteresting. I'm not the kind of dude who even cares about stuff like that because it's sexist or whatever... but I was bored to tears of the movie by this point, and I see that these chicks are going to start fighting and I start thinking, "Man, this might get at least a little fun to watch." No. It wasn't fun. It wasn't fun at all. It was like watching grass grow. Worse. It was worse than watching grass grow.

The movie was boring, made no sense, had little to no quality to it... had stupid women... stupid men... stupid everything... and I just... I want it to end! Stop playing those images in my head! Torgo, save me!

I can praise Torgo. He was really the sole saving grace of this film. (Okay, he didn't save it, but I enjoyed when the dude was on screen.) He really was the only decent thing to see here and I thought he was entertaining.

Okay, on to more negatives: "Well, sound does travel a long way at night." 

.....what.....? 

...what...? 

WHAT!? 

I don't think night has anything to do with the way sound travels, genius. I don't think darkness or light HAS ANYRHIGB TO DO WITHT HE WAY SOUND TRAVELS.  I know there are typos there in the previous sentence. I don't even care. I can't type without almost throwing my computer across the room I'm so angry at that STUPID line. So, that's the best I can do without breaking anything. I'm not ever reading that sentence again because I'll probably start spitting blood out of every orifice in my body hoping I can create a rage explosion rather than just plain flipping out and watching my brain rip itself out of my head and hunt down the actor who said that line, living or dead, and telling him about simple physics and sound waves... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'M GOING TO THROW MY TOASTER THROUGH DEATH ITSELF BECAUSE OF THIS MOVIE!!!

Okay... hey, Torgo... no, I'm fine. I'm fine. Thanks, buddy... No, I'm calm. Look, I'm very calm. Okay... yeah... Do I need to keep going, Torgo? Please, I want to stop. I don't want to remember anything else...

Okay... okay... you're right... I'm almost done. I'm almost done...

So, the noises in this "film" are atrocious. There's an EXPLOSION at the end that's supposed to be thunder and instead sounded like nuclear fusion. I seriously thought that the shack had been H-bombed out of existence... not even kidding. Oh, and earlier in the film some... uh... I'm going to say that they were supposed to be animal noises... were going on, and it sounded like a whole bunch of people were howling and vomiting off-screen. They must have been watching the finished version of this film because those were the exact EXACT sounds that I was making after I saw this film.

This movie is more of a comedy than... uh... whatever it was supposed to be. There were a few times I laughed, but I don't think I was supposed to laugh. I don't think I was meant to laugh. I don't think they wanted me to laugh... I don't want to laugh anymore... TORGO! TOrgo, I don't want to laugh anymore! Make them stop... I don't... no... no... The movie's not funny, Torgo... It's a bad film... full of bad people... bad everything... I want it all to stop. WHERE'S MY TOASTER!? I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU DOWN, MASTER!!!!

Give me a second.

Okay... okay... Torgo gave me a strange look and now I feel a little better. DO YOUR TAXES, TORGO! I'LL BE FINE HERE REVIEWING THIS MOVIE!!

So, a lot (and when I say "a lot" I simply mean, "more than there ever should have been") of the film has a couple making out in a car and drinking... at various different times... and the police come and tell them off... Why not, I guess? I guess it makes sense. (No, it doesn't. it has nothing to do with any of the main story of the film and is, in the end, completely useless and astoundingly stupid.)

Torgo, I think that's the end of my review. Are you proud of me for keeping my sanity?