Video Game Assessment: Kingdom Hearts (2002)

Have you ever wanted to play an anime boy in a video game? How about if your partners were Donald Duck and Goofy throughout the entire game? Okay, what if there were also a ton of original Disney characters from some great movies like Aladdin, Alice in Wonderland, Sleeping Beauty, The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Little Mermaid, and many more? What if there were also a ton of popular Final Fantasy characters there as well? It seems like the cartoon lover and old school JRPG video gamer's wet dream. And it is.

Now, I don't like cartoons very much (Although I love most Disney cartoons, because Hell Yeah, but that's not the point.) and I was never into Final Fantasy and I really love horror, so this game already seems to have about a billion strikes against it to a guy like me, a twenty-something jaded male who dislikes cutesy things on pure principle. So, this game doesn't seem like my type of thing.

BUT... and confound it all, I don't quite understand it myself, this game is great. I mean, there are stupid design decisions, insipid characters at points, and the dialogue can be cheesy and corny at points, but this game won me over despite all of that, easily becoming one of the better games I've ever played. Maybe I'm less jaded and cynical than I thought, or maybe I just needed to see a cutesy anime adventure for once in my life, but this game was great, dark in all the right spots, easy to have fun with, comic when it needed to be, and serious in the exact right way. The characters, despite being cartoons, feel real, and that's always a plus for me.

The gameplay is the first thing I'll talk about and it's good, really good. The dodge roll makes up for everything else in this game. I could dodge roll around for hours and it always feels so satisfying to watch the player character, Sora, rolling around for hours. The controls are well done and fun, with a few rage inducing exceptions which I'll get to shortly, and it responds very well and feels intuitive. The gummi ship mini-game which makes the whole thing into a spaceship rail shooter, is probably the best part of the whole game and just makes me happy thinking about it. I spent hours perfecting the PERFECT gummi ship and it was good, really good to see that terrible looking thing get off the ground and murder everything in its path.

Now for the bad. Camera controls. Oh, camera controls. This is where the game confounds me, and make me rage like a baby throwing a fit. The camera is legitimately different from all other games of this type that I've played, requiring the shoulder buttons to adjust it rather than the right analog stick like EVERY SINGLE OTHER GAME OF THIS TYPE I HAVE EVER PLAYED. What the Hell? Why would a person ever think doing that is a good idea? Sure, it works, but since it is so different from everything else, it confuses me after playing other games or before playing those games or whatever, and you have to adjust the camera since the camera is just so bad. Probably the worst camera in video-gaming history. Wow. It was fixed for Kingdom Hearts II, but it still sucks for this first game.

Also, the game can be hard at times, really hard. It can be frustrating enough for you to want to throw your controller at your television, so remember to keep calm and try to enjoy it. Some of the boss fights are awful and miserable, full of failure upon failure, and annoyance built upon equal annoyance. Ursula, from The Little Mermaid, and the dude from Tarzan really stick out for me as being miserable fights in the game. The whole game is difficult though, and I have a hard time seeing kids being able to really beat this game effectively. I don't mind hard games, but sometimes it feels almost impossible without leveling up a little, which I actually hate. I don't like grinding, not being a JRPG fan myself.

Altogether though, the story and characters mostly make up for the bad things. The story is one of darkness versus light, with shadow enemies called the Heartless comprising the main bad force against you and the light. And it makes for fairly epic and engaging story. Sora, the hero, is trying to find his friends, Kairi and Riku, but Riku, at least, does not really care to be found, instead engaging in his own story apart from Sora, trying to fix Kairi, and losing himself to the darkness in his own heart. Sora becomes a hero of the light in his own right, fighting the darkness back and having one of the most gut-wrenching sacrifices I have ever seen in a video game. It was well done and jaw-dropping, a ballsy move for a game made for Everyone.

There is darkness in this game. It's not a light little kid's video game. It is a mature look at what kid's like, taking the maturity from each Disney film and their themes of darkness and light, good and evil, and putting them at odds with conventional thinking, making this game something else, something different and wonderful to behold. And fighting Disney villains and evil in general is always a cool thing to do.

The art style is fantastic, especially towards the end of the game, where it is basically breathtaking imagery. I can't even explain it, so go look at it yourself and understand. The music is great, and feels suitably sweet and epic for this game, making it feel both more like a personal journey, and a journey through odd and somewhat terrifying environments at times. It's fun to be a part of and to hear in the background. The voice acting is mostly well done as well, with some people reprising their Disney roles, like freaking Sean Astin (Samwise Gamgee from The Lord of the Rings) voicing Hercules and James Freaking Woods voicing Hades, and man, I love James Woods. I wish he could be in everything, games, movies, and otherwise. Hell, I'd be happy if the man read books to me. Why can't James Woods play every character in everything ever? The world would be a better place then.

I guess my ultimate point is that this is a great game for kids (although it may be too difficult for some) and adults (like me). It creates a great story and really does some amazing things. I just started playing the second game and it continues doing much of the same. Anyway, check it out if you can put aside being an adult for a while and just enjoy the childish things and some fun gameplay for a while.

Coming Soon!?

Okay, since I'm bored I'm going to post what I believe my plans are for analyses in the foreseeable future.

I'll  probably be reviewing more Hayao Miyazaki films since I have them handy and am currently going through all of them (or close to it). So yeah, expect some Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle, Nausicaa, and maybe some others... They are ridiculously solidly made animated films, I must admit, even if animated films are really not my thing.

As for other movies, I've been meaning to get around to watching Cronenburg's Spider pretty soon and any and all John Carpenter movies are on my radar. Also, I just found Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me on DVD for really cheap and I love that film, so there's that... as well as Mall Rats, another movie I enjoyed, but yeah, ridiculously different genre, I know. And I have some older psychological horror films as well as some Cronenburg films, some noir, and two films I've wanted to berate since I started this blog: Dark City and Shutter Island. So, you can look forward to those suckers.

I do have some books I want to review and August may be the time to check back for some heavy, well-done book reviews of different series, although, yes, I will admit they may not quite be the series the hardcore psychological horror fan crowd out there will love, just saying. What it looks like now is that I want to review the Repairman Jack novels and The Adversary Cycle, both by F. Paul Wilson, and (long pause here) the Animorphs series. No, I'm not kidding. I love that series. I may... may, I say... if everybody is nice to me and doesn't make fun of me, I may do a review of the Harry Potter series book-by-book, but only if I get to speak my mind on each book... and I have a lot on my mind to say, let me tell you. That series. THAT SERIES.

Also, all of October I'm still planning on doing a review a day, which yes, nearly killed me last year what with how busy I was, but I'm hoping to have a bunch of them pre-written beforehand, which should give me a ton more time.

Anyway, expect my output to go up. I've been busy lately and it can't be helped, but soon I'm going to be ploughing through reviews, let me tell you.

Movie Appraisal: Ponyo (崖の上のポニョ) (2008)

Okay, first of all, let me say that I am in no way a fan of anime or manga. I don't mean anything by that besides exactly what that sentence is indicative of. I largely ignore all things anime or manga related, but I will admit that in my admitted ignorance I can find a lot to like from Hayao Miyazaki and Studio Ghibli. If I misspell or misrepresent myself in anyway, I claim full ignorance of the subject matter, but even with that said, I really liked this film.

Ponyo is a film that I would have so much trouble disliking. It is beautiful with its imagery and its use of both characters and setting to move the plot around. I think some of the scenery is absolutely brilliant and gorgeous, easily allowing it to become the best looking animated film I have ever seen. Seriously, watching it for the imagery alone is enough to bring this film into masterpiece territory. It reminds me somewhat of the visual imagery of a movie such as Fantasia, but with a great plot to go with it.

I guess a mention of the plot, a goldfish (the title character) turns herself into a little girl and falls in love with a little boy (Sōsuke) who falls in love with her. It is cute, but also poignant. It tugs at heart-strings while making you laugh. And a scene towards the end of the movie with Ponyo and Sōsuke in a little boat is probably the single greatest thing in the entire film and if you don't find a smile cracking on your face then you simply cannot feel happiness.

It's a cute film, let's be honest here. It's easy to follow and although easily accessible by adults clearly seems intended for a younger audience. Even saying that, I found myself drawn in by the fantastic story and the characters so cute that you just wanted to give them all a hug and make everything better. It's hard for me to say something like that. I am a huge fan of horror, with psychological horror being my genre of choice, but I can admire a well-done film, even one that seems to be the antithesis of everything I love about the films that I love. The quality is so wonderful and the feeling you get at the end of the film, just by watching it... well, it's just absolutely priceless. It could bring a smile to the face of one as cold as stone.

I can't really make my review extra long here. I don't have a lot to say but praise of it. It's not my favorite film of Studio Ghibli or Hayao Miyazaki. That honor would go to Spirited Away, which is also in my favorite films of all time. Ponyo though stands up on its own merits and its own quality. Take a look at it if you want to see something of great quality and great beauty.

Book Evaluation: Abarat (2002) by Clive Barker

Abarat is a young adult book with elements of fantasy, horror, and dreams. It is a well thought-out  novel with an intricate story, characters, and setting. It does have some more negative elements as well, but I'll get to those later. First, I'll start with what I know about Mr. Clive Barker. It's not much, I assure you. He's an author of primarily dark fantasy and horror fantasy and what I know about him the best are two video games that have his name attached to them: Undying and Jericho and the Hellraiser series of movies. That's about it.

Growing up I wasn't a fan of Clive Barker. I was for Stephen King all the way. I didn't really know much about him and his stories never seemed to interest me, at least what I knew about them, which again, video games and the movies. Other than those things I knew almost nothing. Unfair, I know, but there's the truth. Well, recently I read through Abarat and I have to say I really liked it.

Yes, it is very obviously aimed at the young adult market. So, don't read this if you're not expecting something for the twelve to fifteen demographics. That being true, it holds up remarkably well. It is a well-written young adult novel that, albeit heavy-handed at times, exploring a fantasy realm that stands well on its own. Some of the characters, most of them not exactly the friendliest crowd, are fantastically well-rounded even if the main character, a twelve-year old girl named Candy Quackenbush who acts much older than she is, is much more of a generic heroine character.

The setting, with twenty-five islands representing the twenty-four hour clock with one extra, is an incredibly well done idea and work fantastically in this novel.

The problems are easier to jump on though. Although the novel is well-done, it seems that it sympathizes with the wrong characters (in my opinion, of course). It has a bland protagonist and the story seems fairly generic once you take a step beyond the new kind of setting and some of the more brilliant characters. The writing, as I said before, can be heavy-handed, and seems to be written by a man who does not usually write for young adults. (This is where I wink knowingly. Clive Barker is not usually an author for the young adults and kids of the world.) It comes off as if he is trying desperately to dumb down his own language. Clive Barker, when I was eight I was reading The Lord of the Rings. You don't have to dumb down your language for young adults. They'll understand if you use big words, and if they don't then they should pick up a dictionary and learn. My point is the writing is simplified in many ways.

I'm also going to clarify my "heavy-handed" statement. It seems that there is a working morality within the story and that the readers and audience are supposed to go, "Oh boy, that's wrong." or "Oh man, that's right! You go girl!" I don't like either of these things. I guess I like the vague ideas better. This novel seems to be more a take on fairy tales. Actually that is one of the first things I thought about when reading this. It's a modern fairy tale with clear cut good and clear cut evil, and I find that tedious.

Altogether though, it is well done. The beginning of the novel is particularly great. It starts the story off ridiculously well. The lighthouse scene is one of the best in the entire book and even holds up well against many other, better novels. The ending is weaker as the novel clearly wants me to side with the good guys, when the big evil dude is clearly more sympathetic and the stronger character, a selfless character who gets dragged into evil because of a very selfish woman... or maybe I'm being unfair... although I don't think so. I think people can make sacrifices for peace... I guess that's just my limited imagination or something...

Oh, I don't have a limited imagination? Huh. HUH, I say.

Anyway,if you want to read a decently done young adult fantasy novel done by a horror novelist, this is well done and is very interesting, but you should really read The Eyes of the Dragon by Stephen King instead. Great novel, standalone and, in my opinion, brilliant. Plus, it's connected to The Dark Tower series. How can there be a loss there?

Movie Appraisal: Silent Hill (2006)

As can probably be inferred from my collection of horror genre reviews, I love horror, especially psychological horror. I've probably said that about a million times since I started this blog, but in this review it becomes apparent that I need to really need everybody to know that. Some of my favorite movies include the best of the psychological horror genre, including Jacob's Ladder, 1408, Sauna: Wash Your Sins. There are other good ones like The Machinist and The Dark, but there is a very clear distinction between good psychological horror movies and bad ones.

Part of the problem with any psychological movie (even without the horror) is that characterizations are difficult to do with the limited amount of time. Also using actual psychology- memories, ideas, and such-becomes increasingly difficult when the filmmakers know nothing about psychology. Sure, a good movie can still be made, but not a good psychological movie. One of the reasons I like movies like that so much is because of how difficult they are to make and the challenge of actually succeeding with them by making a clearly effective and sometimes terrifying film.

The Silent Hill series is also one of my favorite video game series of all time. I would love to review more Silent Hill games, but I also want to pace myself, really do them during my October Nights every day horror review schedule for next year. My point here is that Silent Hill is amazing for the most part. It does psychological and survival horror extremely well, terrifying the pants off of anybody who plays them. Anybody who has ever taken the time to play Silent Hill 2, for example, know that it is easily the scariest video game of all time. That's what this series has to offer, quality horror, often psychological horror, and often debilitating to the player.

God help me, I love the Silent Hill series, so when this movie Silent Hill, came out in 2006 when I was all of 17. I wanted to see it. I was dying to see it. I knew everything about the franchise, knew the characters, knew the monsters, knew the horror. I was in the mood to be terrified by this movie.

But I really wasn't. It's not that it was bad. It probably stands as one of the best movies from a video game source ever made, but the problem was that it was incredibly mediocre and not scary. There were no terrifying parts, no tension, no... anything. The acting was mediocre except from Sean Bean who is consistently awesome, but criminally underused in this film. Why couldn't he have been the protagonist and really had the video game this movie was made from really be made into a movie? (Silent Hill, the video game, had a male protagonist and the movie used the same storyline with a female protagonist. It didn't work well.)

The actors in this movie were... well, mediocre. Sure, Sean Bean is always great, but Radha Mitchell was frankly terrible. I don't know if it was her lines or her acting, but she never really seemed like a concerned mother, but rather more like a person reading from a text book. Laurie Holden, a good actress by the other things I've seen her in, is also underused here, being good in the scenes she's in, but not used enough to be effective. Alice Krige is effective in points, but silly and unneeded in the story. Where did Dr. Kaufmann from the video game go? Why is the character of Dahlia (Deborah Kara Unger) relegated to side character status?

And then there's Jodelle Ferland, who actually does do a good job as a creepy child/innocent child, but really should have been in a better movie than this to justify her performance.

The psychological elements in this film are terrible. Characters like Pyramid Head, called the Red Pyramid in the movie, is blatantly used for... no reason at all except that he's recognizable and iconic. In Silent Hill 2 he serves a purpose as both executioner and punisher, but here he is shoehorned into a few scenes for no other reason than to show up in the film and be on the posters. WHY? Why would a franchise that focuses on such powerful psychological elements criminally misuse psychological elements? Why are there sexy nurses? Why? Seriously. Sexy nurses were in Silent Hill 2 and were well-explained. Before that there were nurses, but they were monstrous, not sexy, which made sense to the game. Silent Hill, the video game, made a clear source of where the psychology comes from and how it is used. The nurses were from Alessa and her basically being trapped in a hospital. They were warped reminders of her terror and fear of where she was. Why are they sexy? It makes no sense.

There are other monsters to complain about, but that's all I'm going to say. Some things were interesting and not so terrible, like Colin, although even that was for a few seconds and mostly terrible. The bugs were silly. And here's the grossest misuse of the movie: The miners and the cult. Oh, dear God, the miners and the cult made me want to rage-quit the movie. For where they are, sure the miners make sense, I guess, but what about the stupid Christian cult? Where did the video game cult go? Why is it Christianized? I mean, yes, the cult is seriously one of the worst parts of the video games, but at least use it. Don't change it to crazy fundamental Christians and use witch burning and stuff. It's insulting and frankly terrible.

Now for some good points. The end of the movie is really well done. I found it enjoyable. The gore might be a little much at points, but the whole ending is both poignant at times and pretty hardcore at other times. The end of the movie is really original, not taking much from the video game, and that works. It's pretty cool. I love the grainy filters over the flashbacks and I wish the whole movie could have looked like that. I like the use of darkness and light in the ending and the visuals are altogether really well done. Even the acting seems better in the end.

The problem is that the rest of the film is pretty bad. The pacing is bad. The psychology is bad. The acting isn't good. Even the scenery, something that should not have been problematic, looks terrible. The visuals frankly suck even when the Silent Hill franchise is known for their amazing, terrifying visuals.

I'm not exactly in the group of some people who absolutely hate this movie, but I do think it's absolutely mediocre and forgettable. The Dark, a movie from 2005, and one I'll probably review eventually, basically follows almost the exact same plot as this movie, but with better acting, a better story, a better and more confusing and ambiguous ending, and more Sean Bean, which is always a good thing. The psychology to that move is fantastic, even if the movie isn't absolutely stunning. But I'll review that when I review it.

One more thing I'll mention about Silent Hill is that my girlfriend, a person who has never seen a horror movie before, was not afraid of this movie. She kind of just shrugged it off, saying that the only part that actually scared her was the gore, which happens for all of twenty seconds. She also hated the persistent CGI throughout the movie... and now mentioning that...

The persistent CGI throughout the movie is terrible. The transitions between worlds, the monsters, some of the visuals, etc... all look terrible with the CGI. It's painful to watch and I would have much rather had people in costumes and a transition in the character's sleep instead, like in the Silent Hill games.

There's a lot wrong here, and my biggest problem with the movie isn't even the movie itself, but rather that the next game, Silent Hill: Homecoming, used so much from the movie, that had taken from the earlier games, that it made a game that had terrible psychological elements, Pyramid Head around for no reason, miners, sexy nurses, patients... ugh... that game was awful and it's all because it took from this somewhat successful movie.

Anyway, it's not scary even though it should be, it left a bad impression on me and the Silent Hill franchise, and the video games are much better and scarier. Leave this movie alone unless you really love Silent Hill, and then realize how bad this movie actually is to fans of the games.

Also, as an endnote, there's a sequel in the works. Isn't that wonderful?

Video Game Assessment Revisit: Dragon Age: Origins (2009)

I have already reviewed this video game some time ago (It was my first review here.), but I thought that my review of the game basically sucked and I had not really come into my own as a reviewer with some kind of insane personality that I wanted so much. Well, continuing my apparent bunch of reviews about BioWare games, I am going to review Dragon Age: Origins as well as its expansion pack, Dragon Age: Origins- Awakening and all of the DLC leading up to the second game which I reviewed not too long ago.

So, this game's story is pretty simplistic, very fantasy RPG-ish. Almost every other fantasy story has a similar plot as this game. Well, really this game has two plots... both of which are very indicative of the fantasy genre of RPG. The first is dealing with an usurping "king" and putting the rightful ruler on the throne. The second is dealing with orc-like enemies led by a dragon and defeating this inhuman Blight.

The story frankly is regular and normal fantasy, which sounds like an oxymoron, but there you go.

So, the game has elves and dwarves and orcs (called darkspawn) and ogres and these things called Qunari and obviously humans. And humans are also obviously the greasiest and worst of the peoples, constantly being bad guys and being racist and such. It's pretty terrible. Why are humans always so bad? I know a lotof humans I... well, I know some humans that aren't so... okay, I know like three people I don't think would kill me in my sleep. That means that there are some good people. In this game, humans just seem so selfish and cruel and it's a pity. There are a few good ones, but almost all of them are either in your party or friends of the party characters.

Now, your companion characters are where this game really shines. You have the snarky Templar, Alistair, the snarky dark mage girl, Morrigan, the snarky old mentor mage, Wynne, the snarky elf assassin, Zevran, the snarky and ofttimes drunk dwarf, Oghren, the snarky stoic Qunari, Sten, and the bard Leliana... and your snarky dog for good measure. If snarky is mentioned in most of those characterizations, then yeah... snarky is what most of the characters in the game are. I have never seen such a collection of snarky people in my life. All they do is snark and become cynical and snark some more and become sarcastic or sardonic and... yeah... it's fine for a little while, but why is every character so snarky? Did I walk into s snarky convention while playing this video game? Seriously. And the only character who isn't snarky is the creepy female bard with the terrible voice who watches your character when he/she sleeps. It's creepy and weird and she's awkward and... why does every character have such emotional hangups? Why am I their babysitter/therapist? Why can't they help me out? Maybe my character is feeling a little down what with all the people TRYING TO MURDER ME... Maybe, just maybe, I don't want to her Alistair whine about how he's alone in the world when in my origin story, MY ENTIRE FAMILY WAS KILLED. Seriously, Alistair, I like you, dude, but you just have to stop whining constantly. And Morrigan, stop being overtly evil. Now is not the time when I'm trying to romance you or kill a GREAT EVIL. Can't you just for one second think about being a good person? Seriously.

I could go on and on about these characters, but I think you get the... DOG, NO! DO NOT RELEASE YOUR BLADDER ON THAT UNSUSPECTING CHILD!!!

Uh.... anyway...

The music of this game is fantastic. It really is. It sounds like a lot of music from The Lord of the Rings and I'm basically in love with LotR so there's that. The gameplay is annoying at times and the difficulty is impossible. Even easy enemies are insane to take down on NORMAL difficulty. It's almost as if the difficulty is actually broken. It sucks. I will admit there is satisfaction, a ton of it in fact, for killing big enemies though. There is nothing sweeter than a well-fought battle with an ogre or a dragon or something and plunging the warm, blood-soaked steel of a sword into its blasted throat. The gore elements are pretty well done, although I do wish my character had a handkerchief to wipe his face from time to time. I hate going into a cutscene looking like I just got caught in the flood of blood from Stanley Kubrick's The Shining.

So, now going into the DLC (downloadable content) and expansion: The DLC can be anywhere from really good to really awful. The first DLC actually came with the game, The Stone Prisoner, which introduces a new companion, Shale, who is basically awesome. Shale is a golem and is about as hardcore and hilarious as can be. Shale is very reminiscent of HK-47 from the KotOR series and that just makes the character that much more awesome.

There are other DLCs within the game itself, but most only add new content and items rather than memorable story elements.

Outside the game there are, besides the expansion, four DLC packs. The first is The Darkspawn Chronicles that is a funny little alternate universe in which your player character didn't exist. You play as a Darkspawn and slaughter your entire companion team in the final Dragon Age: Origins battle. It's fun, but short, and has really nothing but combat.

The next DLC is Leliana's Song which is a prequel story for the worst character in the entire game of Dragno Age. Yeah, it's a fun little story, but it very little, if anything to the entire plot of the story. Leliana had mentioned her entire story at one point, and being a bard she wouldn't shut up about it either. I guess I don't really see the point of this DLC. It has some fun moments, but ultimately comes off as overdone and useless.

The third DLC is The Golems of Amgarrok, a very short side mission with some body horror to it. Ilove body horror. The story is interesting as is the gameplay. The only complaint I have is that it is short... and very difficult. Neither of which is a plus. I would have rather had more of this DLC than the two I mentioned previously.

The last DLC, and by far the best, is called Witch Hunt. It details a search for a witch, possibly a witch known to the player character. It's a fun and reminiscent look back at Dragon Age, really tying up loose ends of story and ending the entire story with a bang. I really like it. I think the characters in it are done well, the story is strong, and it ends Dragon Age: Origins in the way it should be ended.

Now I'll move onto the expansion pack, Dragon Age: Origins- Awakening. So, this is basically a new set piece around a third of the length of the actual game. It has new character as well as some old ones, and a new area to explore. It's fairly well done in terms of story and visuals, but falls flat for other reasons. The dialogue system was changed from the one I love so much that reminded me of the KotOR series, where you can just talk to any companion at any time, to  a system of only being able to talk with them when they have something to say. Kind of silly if you ask me. It's a change I don't like and it's a change that stayed around for Dragon Age II, much to my chagrin, although it's done much better there than it is here. Awakening has some great areas within it and has some of my favorite fights within all of Origins. Blackmarsh and everything that happens there is particularly memorable, as is the Architect and what he represents, and the Deep Roads of Kal Hirol, which are so different and much more awesome than the Deep Roads in Orgins. Everything here seems to try improving Origins, and with the exception of dialogue, it seems to. Characters are still a strong element of the game, and Awakening doesn't disappoint with that, having some of the more memorable characters in the series, like Nathaniel, Anders, Velanna (even though a lot of people hate her, I like that crazy elven witch), Sigrun, and Justice. Mother is insane and a pleasure to watch, really bringing body horror to the forefront, which is something I think needs to constantly be brought to the forefront... then again I'm a big Cronenberg fan...

Anyway, the Origins game as a whole is amazing and worth revisiting here. There's so much to it I don't think I could ever go through all of it, but I'm going to damn well try. I like the game a lot. It's great for any fantasy buff, or even anybody who really liked LotR. Check it out, but remember the combat sucks if you're not on a computer, and the Xbox 360 version (which I have) looks like crap.

So, be mindful of those things and have fun.

Video Game Assessment: Mass Effect (2007)

Mass Effect is simultaneously a great game and a trainwreck. It is a beautiful game with terrible gameplay. It is rough around the edges with a diamond underneath. It has a wonderfully intricate story, but a haphazard and hard to understand world. It is the best of video games and yet it is a fleeting quality. It is one of the few roleplaying games that is hard to roleplay or even simply replay, but it does have an excellent story. How can a game be all of these things? I'll tell you.

Some people will blindly tell you that this game is a masterpiece without any hyperbole despite the migraine-inducing terror that the sidequests and the sheer brick of the background codex and lore information present. I guess I can't judge sidequests as equal to the mainquest stuff or can't say that mood-filling lore is necessarily a bad thing, but you want to know something, I will.

First, I'll start with the good: The characters in this game are absolutely fantastic as well as the settings and visuals. This is one of the most beautiful games I have ever seen and I really do enjoy simply looking at it. The characters look fairly realistic, easily better than most other games that I've played and/or seen and the actual graphics are just beautiful. There are no other words for it. Everything looks slick and shiny. The world looks better than real life even with some of the grit of real life too, making the scenery look even better with the realism coming with the fantasy. The characters all look and act like real people, and the alien characters are all really well done too, all basically being good answers to what aliens might be able to look like in a realistic science fiction world.

The science fiction here is well done. I'm not going to say fantastic because I don't think it really addressed the science without using the "Element Zero" argument, which is a bit of a cop-out science fiction-wise. It's much more of a Firefly/Star Wars kind of story than anything else. This game really reminds me of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic in almost a harsh way. It's a very similar world to Star Wars. The aliens kind of act the same, the universe is similar... Hell, even the story is pretty similar. There are Jedi substitutes in this game even if they don't have lightsabers to swing around. There are even similar "dark side" enemies. It's pretty ridiculous to see how much it takes from Star Wars. Not that it's a bad thing. It's works for the game and is pretty cool, but the taking so much from that series is still there.

So, now onto the negative and for all the positive things I've said, there are as many negatives. The positives do tend to outweigh the negatives, but they still certainly exist and are also incredibly headache inducing. The first big negative is the first one one would see in the game: the inventory system. It is a convoluted mess that took me the better part of an entire playthrough to actually understand. Sure, there is customization and strategy involved in many of the choices, but there thorough annoyingness for the player will just make the player wish they weren't there at all. In the second game of the series they went the exact opposite direction with customization, basically going passive-aggressive and skimping on weapons and armor to a ridiculous extent for an RPG. So, I claim that BioWare is a bit passive-aggressive when it comes to criticism.

Now, the whole weapon-armor issue is a kind of big deal, but nowhere as big as the sidequest issue. Now, I  liked this game a lot when it came to the story. It was really well done and engaging. I also, in games, tend to like doing a ton of sidequests as mood-fillers. I also use them to stock up on convoluted items and money and gels and everything else. I like that. I like doing sidequests. I've always been a 100% runner and that's what I like to do.  The sidequests in Mass Effect though are torturous. They're painful. I go and play the sidequests and they give me a headache. A game shouldn't give me a headache. Part of the problem is the infamous "Mako" space tank within the game that is fundamentally fun, but absolutely overused and really, when it comes down to it, not intuitive at all. The controls are wonky. The tank is not fun to play as. Exploration, although beautiful, is annoying, especially when most planets have a samey kind of look to them. Basically something that should be a small part of the game comes off as not only painful, but taking up way too much time for the rewards. So, a gameplay technique I've always employed and loved is basically punishing me. I don't like that. It took me out of the game. It made me want to play other games. Sidequests should never do that to a player. Seriously. Yes, they redesigned the sidequests for Mass Effect 2, but again, they went too far, basically taking all of the exploration out completely unless one doles out money for the DLC. What the Hell, BioWare? Why are you guys so passive-aggressive about criticism?

I will admit that the endgame is the best endgame I've ever played, bar none. It's fantastically well done, beautiful and memorable, and also flips the bird to all the terrible sidequests and gameplay one deals with throughout the game. Definitely worth it.

There's also a moral choice system within the game as well as origin story for the player character. They do tend to add customization, but ultimately are all really for nothing. They don't really change the game except in small aspects, so it's kind of a silly thing to add. There are also six classes to choose from, which is kind of neat, since half of them are hybrid classes of the usual "rogue"/"warrior"/"wizard" RPG classes. So, that's nice at least.

Anyway, Mass Effect is a good game with some bad elements to it. I like it myself, but still can't get over some of the bad elements in the game. This is one of the few games I came into this blog wanting to review because of it's great story and terrible execution. So, take my word on it, play at your own risk, but also realize it's one of the best stories and most beautiful graphics in games today, even if it does have a lot of issues with it.

Video Game Assessment: Dragon Age II (2011)

So, I haven't reviewed anything for a while now. Part of the reason for that is that I was busy, and the other part of that was this game right here as well as bits of its predecessor. The Dragon Age franchise is a fascinating one. It's like one part The Lord of The Rings, another racism and hate, all mixed together with a video game series glorifying the sweeter parts of the thoughts of any person who has ever swung a sword around in their yard or dreamed of being some great adventurer or hero fighting evil things and taking names and never giving up.

The story here is beautiful and stellar. Compared to Dragon Age: Origins (my first review here actually, and a bit of a sucky one at that) this game's story is so much more complicated. It's really wonderful to see. The choices made within this RPG determine your character, Hawke's, story as well as the story of the world itself. The characters here all feel like living and breathing people... albeit maybe a little bit snarkier than most live people I've known. Some of the characters will get on your nerves, others will become your best friends. It's interesting just how the characters were built to have personality conflicts, not only with each other, but the  player character himself. I like that.

The visuals and graphics are amazing and a wonder to behold. I don't care if you read any other video game reviewer and they say "This game sucks." or "This game looks terrible." it doesn't. This game is one of the best looking games I've seen... comparable to the Mass Effect series in that regard.

The gameplay is phenomenal. Oh jeez... it is hack-and-slash gaming with tactics at its best and I like it.

There are some issues here as well. Don't take this as blind praise. The whole game takes place in a single city, and although that city feels like home after a while, it also feels like you're doing the same thing over and over again, especially when the same caves and dungeon maps are used over and over again. I understand that it probably saves on some kind of loading time or something, but with the long loading times already, couldn't it have been preferable to just make a new freaking cave or sewer for different quests? I guess I just don't get that.

One complaint I've seen time and time again is that the game has no coherent narrative, and that the story goes and does random and stupid things, never setting anything, like the main villain, up. Well, this is true... sort of. I think this is one of those games that has to be played completely from beginning to end. What I mean by that is that to get into this game and actually understand what is going on, you must play it as a completionist. It's the only way to really get into the story and see the foreshadowing and understand the world that this game takes place in. Some main stories do kind of come out of nowhere, but not really, not if you're paying attention. There is a lot of foreshadowing.

One thing I will relent on is that the actual climax of this game seems to take place during Act II (of the three acts of the game), and Act II is also and easily the best act in terms of both storytelling and everything else. Act III seems rushed, certain quests not being completable and the quickness of the act really push that. I actually have to wonder if there was a rushed completion of this game and it is partially unfinished. The bugs I've encountered probably go hand-in-hand with that.

So, ultimately, do I like this game? Yes. I think it's fun. It reminds me of the crusades with mages. There is a very Jerusalem feel to the city of Kirkwall where the entire story, save the very beginning, takes place. I like that. I've also never seen or played anything like it before. There are politics in this story, race relations, and dealing with almost sensible prejudices. It's all very fascinating and a really fun game to play. If you've played that first Dragon Age game, you may not necessarily love this one, so watch out and beware. Personally, I find the games very different, with the first having better party companions and romances in my opinion, but the second having an actually unique and interesting story rather than just fantasy cliche. I'm a story guy myself, so I tend to like DA II for that, although I do wish it didn't seem quite as rushed as it actually does.

Sexy Shigalyov and His Turkish Coffee

Yup.

I Should Get Back To Writing Stuff Soon. But If You Want Some Mustache Fanfiction, I Think I Have You Covered With This Post.  It Took A Lot Of Time Out Of My Schedule, But I Think Everybody Will Love It. I Have A Sequel Too, But I'm Too Scared To Post It.


Deadictaed to thos peeple who made city of stones, the BEST RODIO DRAMA EVVAR!!!1

Comarade Shigalyov took a seat in his comfy and cozy chair finally relazxcing from his stresssfull day of beating everybody up beacause he is smawesome. Sighing he fell into it with vigor and the stress pooored away from him like a shedding an acron from a oak tree. He wanted to talk to his family beacausse he missed them SO MUCH but he couldt beacccuase they were farr away from him and he didn't know wwere they where beeaccsue he was fairly away in the psst frm all them peeps.

Sheigalllyov was very naked too doing all of this beecuse thats how he rolled. When he heard a knock on his front door to his rooom that he was in preseeently beeeacsue he was just so beeffy n hunky and he was a delicious sppecimen and a man of all men and everybody wanted him and he new it sincee he aw s do delivisi.

Whoopps I made a mssitake there. I ameant dto so baidniehn MY KEYBORAD IS TNOT WORKKING CORRRECTIGNKLY.

Donut you daer maek fon of m.e okat now im gonna doo the ret of the stoyr yes.

Anymor, Shehehgilav went and oppend the door and found a beaautfi mab lokngib back ant him. The man had a wondrous mustache of maginificent propositions. It would felt so nice tickling his chin. He desired it so grately it was fantastic. He stood there nekaed and the mustachioed man looked down at him and gasped with wonder! WITH WONDER!

“im Curnel Haki.” Man said,. “You are shigelyev, right?” He tried to ceep his eyes above the mans waste but could not. It was impossible. His eyes were drawn to the mans lower proportions. And how could they not be. He was fanaTSIC.

WHPOOS I HATE MY I MEAN HIT CAPLOCKS GOTTA PRESS it... okat.

Shaglove took Hakios arm and dragged him inside. “i am he.” He said. “And I want you, Mr. Hake.”

Thats whan thaere mustaches met in extasty for the first time,. It was a wondrroful feeling that meeting of mustaches. All msutaches should come togetehr in the harmony that these came together in . It would make the world a beter place and make eveelt body happier. Love. Man love is amazing. No homo.

WAIT.... my “friend” is tellibg me that manlove is homo. Oh dear. Im gonna stop and let “friend” end the rest of this. Here ya go.!

Wow, this is a pretty awful story, so I'm going to spice this biznatch up. So, Haki and Shigalyov, they're getting it on like two hardcore men like them are doing. They're making out like two mustachioed pornographers being all queer and everything. But then Shigalyov, he pulls away. Haki tells him “No” and to “keep it up”. Heh heh... But Shigalyov still plays hard (heh heh) to get. “I have a wife and I love her.” Shigalyov says. “I can't be doing these homo things with you.”

Haki is confused since Shigalyov was naked and he started it. “But I want your body.” Haki said in almost a whining tone. His mustache twitched as... man, that other dude really had a mustache fetish, huh? I'm not too partial to mustaches. Then again, I'm straight. Well, anyway, Haki still wants Shigalyov's bulging manmeat, but Shigalyov suddenly turns straight and isn't into all this stuff no more. It happens, y'know? Then he hears another knock on his door and its the sweetass and beautiful Contessa with all her bosom and everything heaving. I mean, you gotta have some kind of sweetass dame in this place if you want to have getting it on fiction. Well, the Contessa is all hot and bothered as Contessas are wont to be. I mean, hell biitches, if I was a Contessa, I'd probably be all hot and bothered too. Well, anyway, this Contessa, she's in some kind of stringy... man, it's kind of getting hot in here... I'll be back... give me a second....

what kidna shot is this? I donut like any of it. Whers all the mustachioed? Men? I want morea them and less a some werd Cuntessa whos all evil and whatbnot. All right.The contesssa leves and goesoff with soyona or mody or somehting bc those ppl donut mater nop. Only shiggy and Haks mater. An maybe some wseett syodiaaction. Yeah. I want me some nice and hunky soyida in my story. That other personb can stay away from me story. Stop with your heterosexuality and embrace the mustachioed men.

Anyway. Haki and Shiggy, their getting it on. Oh yeah. There bumping and griding and getting all the stuff DONE. Bc that hoe w they do it. Yeah, shiggy. Kepe going. MUSTACHAE> Uh... so theyre kissing all over and doin g it. What you may aks? SEX. There totttally doing sex to one another. You npow? That kind of sex that involves mostaches . Yeah. I want some hot mustache action. No homo.

Dude, no. That's really homo, aright? Seriously. Stop it. You're freaking me out. Mustaches are not hot unless you're a gay person, a white trash woman, or into racecars or porn. Seriously. I don't mind any of that, but stop saying “No homo.” It's totally homo. No lie.

Shut up, “friend”! You donunt undertsand my feeelingson the maters! So sotp youre nilllywaking!

What? Look, the story should be, all I'm saying, not all gay and everything, especially if you're not gay. You like the womanfolk then you should be writing about the womanfolk. When you write about mustachioed men getting it on, it's a little upsetting to me. Look, I'm tearing up over here.

THIs iz me storee!Stop it! Shiggy and Haki are geten it on and theats it. No womanflock or nothing. Crap, I shoud deleeet your conceveratisatiinog. But MY BACKSPICE Key donut work! And DELLLETTT is eten by my sisster. Shes gotta key fetsih sumtimes. Weird, right? NO, Cpompurter, Im not spelling “werd not like that! Yiour rwong!

SHUT UP, all you hatas! Im gonna write this fanfiction about my favotire radio dram! And you aint goong stop me! Nobodyes gonna stop me massage! So then Soadyi cum in and getsinto the mustache mixture of love. Oh yeah. And... uh... stuff happens and then they all go and smoke everthing afterwedrds! Yeah! Perfect storee 100%!

Movie Appraisal: Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)

Star Wars... the original, the one that kicked off an entire franchise that nerds and normals equally love. It is a near-perfect space opera, a fantasy done in a science fiction universe with an epic story and beautifully done characters.

I was originally going to start my Star Wars movie reviews off with The Phantom Menace, but I thought that the name of that movie was so stupid that I'm going to save that when I'm feeling particularly vicious and angry at everything.

Star Wars, the original, also subtitled these days as A New Hope, and which I will abbreviate as ANH throughout this review for ease of typing since this is going to be a particularly long review, is simply a sublime movie from beginning to end. Some may say that Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back is the best of Star Wars, but I tend to believe that they are objectively equal in status and quality. ANH starts off the story, it begins everything. It is a self-contained story full of great characters and situations, humor, seriousness, and many other beautiful and colorful elements. Despite the alien environments, we connect with the characters. We understand their plight.

Luke Skywalker (played by Mark Hamill), the protagonist, is a young man working on his uncle's farm (It's a moisture farm for those of you who want to know.) who dreams of one day doing great things, going to the Imperial Academy to be trained and then defecting to the Rebellion against the Empire. He hates the Empire and everything it stands for, and our impressions of the Empire are already not good. The Empire has stormtroopers, and a big guy in a black suit and helmet named Darth Vader (David Prowse, voice by James Earl Jones), who really does not really seem like a good guy. The Empire also employs only British actors, so therefore they must be evil! Seriously though, the Empire comes off as a bunch of regular bureaucrats and such working for a corrupt and often evil higher management. It almost, and I'm certain this was meant to be the case, is indicative of the Nazis. This extends to not only how they act, but the way they are dressed as well. Stormtroopers bring to mind the German Storm Troops of World Wars I and II, and Darth Vader is very reminiscent, especially in the way he acts, as being an SS officer controlling the shock troops.

This whole idea makes the entirety of ANH a fight between good and evil, and we see it as such. We are reminded of the Nazis and just how bad they are and we are made to feel a certain way about the Empire and feel pity and even hope for the small band of rebels struggling to change their galaxy. We see heroic archetypes all over the place, from Luke Skywalker being the classic hero, without a tragic flaw, ready to stand up and fight against nearly insurmountable odds, to Han Solo (Harrison Ford), the anti-heroic archetype, the rogue with a heart of gold in the end. We see that Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) is the damsel in distress as well, just like in many classic myths and stories, but the twist is that she's a strong woman, ready and very able to take care of herself in a hostile environment. This shows so much about the story and I have not even touched upon the story yet. 

The characters define the plot. Each and every character is memorable. When you think about Star Wars you generally are going to think about something in this movie, whether it be the Death Star, any of the characters or situations, or a quotation or two. That's one of the reasons this movie is so good. It is so memorable. It sticks in our heads and makes us want to fly our own Millennium Falcon, shoot down a Death Star ourselves, or join a band of freedom fighters looking to save the galaxy from oppression. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness) represents an old mentor, dying before his time and giving the hero a reason to fight, a real reason, and not simply a philosophical one. He becomes the most interesting character in some ways because of his relevance and because of how he is portrayed within the film itself. I will get back to that point.


ANH takes ideas from so many other places that it is ridiculously derivative in some ways. The obvious ones are from World War II, but other ideas come from Frank Herbert's Dune in terms of Tatooine, the desert planet to "spice" and its connotation in the film, to Akira Kurosawa Samurai films, especially The Hidden Fortress (1958) where much of the ideas of the droids, the princess, and much of the main plot comes from. The droids, R2-D2, and C-3PO, are used as comic relief in some ways, but they are never unrealistic despite something like a droid not actually existing in our own world. They do things that are not impossible for a droid to be designed to do. They help make the universe of Star Wars have meaning, and it becomes defined forever as a science-fiction fantasy epic, as full of humor and social commentary as it is with heroic ideals and wonderful visuals.


You come to fall in love with each and every one of the characters in turn. Every single one means something to the story. Obi-Wan Kenobi, for example, despite being an old man full of regret, still deems it necessary to fight in any way he can. He is an old Jedi, basically a warrior-monk with a lightsaber, a sword that can cut through anything, and the Force. The Force is everything in the galaxy. It is a religion, a way of life, and source of energy and motion of the mind. Jedi can control the Force and direct it outward, either to see into the future, feel what's going on in the present, and speak with other peoples' minds across a great distance, or to use it to perform extraordinary acts, like moving something with their mind, tricking people into thinking or doing things they would not have otherwise, or simply doing something that requires an intense trust in oneself.


Getting back to Obi-Wan Kenobi as a character though, he becomes devious in the movie, moving the plot along and manipulating circumstances to get exactly what he wants. And he's a hero! You may not see it all at first, but watching it as many times as I have, I have come to see which characters are much more than they appear and which are single-minded, and none in this movie are single-minded... at least not in the bad character kind of way.

You can balance Obi-Wan Kenobi against the true villain of ANH. No, it is not Darth Vader, despite every single fanboy thinking that is the case. The real villain is Grand Moff Wilhelm Tarkin (Peter Cushing), the man who destroyed an entire planet, who had no mercy whatsoever, and who nearly destroyed another. He wanted to wipe out the Rebellion, and succeeded in wiping out a planet sympathetic to the Rebellion and what they wanted, but this also succeeded in rallying people against the Empire and what they stood for. Their show of force was countered by an equally brutal show of force when Luke blew up the Death Star moments before it would have blown up the fourth moon of Yavin where the Rebels were based.


The whole story has a very early cinema feel to it, taking things from Metropolis (1927), like C-3PO for example, and a movie like Casablanca (1942). Han Solo especially gives off the vibe of a Humphrey Bogart-like character, and the dialogue seems so natural and banter-ish, that it is easy to see where the fast-talking World War II movies had their influence here.  


The plot is so intricate and fascinating. Everything flows together, from beginning to end, shaping our perceptions and our sympathies. We have fallen in love with this film because we have had no choice. It is an objectively good film, derivative in all the right ways, new in even better ways. What is does right it does so well that it blows most other films right out of the water, and what it does wrong is very little.


I have mentioned the characters so much because those are the iconic elements from this film. Sure, there are many great plot pieces, from the Millennium Falcon and our heroes getting stuck on the Death Star, the Empire's fortress, to Obi-Wan Kenobi letting himself be struck down so that he can assist Luke in the future by being even stronger than he had been. The first shot of the movie, the VERY FIRST SHOT, tells us everything we would ever need to know about the very nearly simplistic plot of the film. The Rebels are in their blockade runner, the Tantive IV, racing away from the Empire, represented by a gigantic Star Destroyer. The Rebels have stolen the plans to the Empire's fortress and evil space station, the Death Star, that has power enough to destroy an entire planet in a single blast.

The Rebel ship is boarded and we come to see and fear the Stormtroopers and their apparent leader, Darth Vader. They make short work of the poorly equipped freedom fighters. At the same time, seamlessly integrated into these scenes are the first two major characters introduced, the droids. We sympathize with them. R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) is cocky and rebellious himself, hotheaded and ready to help in anyway he can, whereas C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) is timid, and would rather not get involved in anything too sketchy, and yet he is every bit the hero that R2-D2 is, but in a different way. He focuses more on the moment and communication, but helps in his own way throughout the film, even if its nothing more than reprimanded R2-D2. And because these droids receive our good graces, everyone associated with them gradually does too. Princess Leia, a strong female archetype from beginning to end, interacts with R2-D2 all but a moment and her status as a hero in her own right is established early on.

Then as the movie advances we meet Luke Skywalker, the new owner of the droids. We see his life, see him whine about not getting the chance to do what he wants. We get the feeling that he is being held back for some reason, but we never see why, not until the next movie at least. His Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru seem to think he would be safer away from the war and the Jedi, and yet Luke is picked up and dragged into the fray as if he were destined to be a hero from the very beginning. His uncle and aunt are ruthlessly murdered and set ablaze by the Stormtroopers looking for the information on the Death Star placed in R2-D2 by Princess Leia. With nothing left, Luke decides to fight and the plot kicks off and never stops. Obi-Wan and Luke meet a rogue with a heart of gold and his hairy co-pilot, Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew), and they set off on an adventure to find Alderaan, and help out Bail Organa, Princess Leia's father and a leader of the Rebellion against the Empire.


Unbeknownst to them, Alderaan is destroyed by Grand Moff Tarkin and the Millennium Falcon, Han Solo's ship, is taken into custody by the Imperials while our heroes go off to save the Princess and themselves. The Death Star scenes are some of my favorites, a comedy of errors and misfortunes, eventually resulting in almost all of our heroes getting away, with Obi-Wan sacrificing himself in front of Luke, I think, for the purpose of showing Luke the true evil of the Empire, and how he needs to fight them and not run away. Remember that Han Solo, before he leaves right before the assault on the Death Star, asks Luke to come with him. Maybe the outcome would have been different if Obi-Wan had not died. Maybe everything would have changed. Maybe he needed to die to cement Luke as the hero of this story rather than a simple side character. And that's the brilliance of Star Wars. The rogue comes back to save the hero and the hero succeeds and gets awarded for his bravery in the end.


The perfect ending to such a wonderful and engaging story. I could spend hours going over every aspect of this film, from the beautiful scenery, to the special effects which were amazing for their time, and, in my opinion, are still gorgeous today, even by modern standards. The aliens seen in the movie are diverse and different, giving a feel of a place so far away, but with the same problems we face. And that's the brilliance. That's the art of Star Wars. It is not about the special effects. It is not about what could not be done. Instead this movie seems to be a triumph in the idea of winning in the face of every adversity. If you go and watch a making of feature about this film, you will see just how many things the filmmakers had going against them. They were doing something completely new in some ways, the special effects were ahead of their time, the costumes, and George Lucas, the creator and director of Star Wars wanted things to go his way despite really not getting his way over many things. Some editors he worked with only wanted to do their cut of the movie rather than what he wanted. He had constant fights with the cameraman over angles and the kinds of shots he wanted. The actors more than likely improvised large portions of dialogue, and the filming off of any set was difficult. Filming in Tunisia for the Tatooine scenes were particularly trying. And maybe that's all part of it. Maybe the artistic vision needed to have setbacks, needed to have troubles. It made everybody more invested, more in love with the product they were making. It was not about being in front of a green screen on a sound stage, or inserting CGI all over the place without giving us a reason to care about the characters. No, it was a character study from beginning to end, giving us the feeling of real relationships happening between characters, real friendships either forming or being there all along. EVERY character feels real. Every plot is engaging. You can feel the budding friendship between Han and Luke, the stable friendships between Han and Chewbacca and between the droids.You can see how Luke truly respects R2-D2 and C-3PO, but also uses them as the tools they are meant to be, something we do not understand because to us the droids are every bit as much characters as Luke or Han, but in the Star Wars universe, they are machines used for doing certain things, and that is what this movie gets right. It gets the details right, the feeling right. Sure, there may be mistakes that anybody can point out, but on a whole this is one of the best movies to ever be made, both in terms of scope and in terms of quality. This is the movie that made me into a Star Wars fan to begin with, and I will always look fondly on this film, even though I have seen what Star Wars has become. To go from such amazing beginnings and to end on such a low note, to have the drivel that is coming out of the collective excrement hole of all the writers and such of Star Wars today is a sad thing to see, but I will, no, we will, always have the classic... Star Wars.

Emotion Critique: Love

So, I was told recently by the voices in my head that never stop speaking to me that today is something called "Valentine's Day", a day supposedly used for giving people generic store-bought cards, candy, and flowers that will wilt and die, much like most love will. Oh, I kind of made myself sad with that analogy. It's okay, self. You'll be okay. All you have to do is think about all the fond candy that your significant other might try to fatten you up with... and once you get fat...

Oh, look, I'm supposed to be critiquing a topic here. This one is the emotion humans call "love". What is this "love"? How do you go about making it happen? Well, I will be your guide to the "love". Yes.

Love is supposed to be one of these kinds of selfless ideas, like saving orphans from a burning building. Those orphans are never going to pay you back no matter how many times you save them. Nope, they're just going to want you to adopt them and feed them probably... and you won't know what orphans are supposed to eat and you'll give them some dog food, and then somebody will tell you that you're not supposed to feed the orphans dog food, and then you'll be all like, then what do I feed these orphans? There are so many of them and I'm not giving them my food. Then the orphans will be taken away from you, unless you're really crafty, but... uh... I'm not supposed to get into that. I had one of those things... a... uh... yeah... moving on...

Love is all about doing the right thing and not screwing up even a little. Since I'm a straight man, I'll give you a straight-manly example of screwing up love. So, let's say you go and like a chick and she likes you back and you hit it off pretty well. You're going on a date taking her to some nice Italian restaurant with some nice music playing in the background, and your orphan slave is carrying your bags... NOPE! You see? You already made a mistake, you moron!  You can't take her to an Italian restaurant! That ruins love! That's it! Love is thrown straight out the window because of your rancid garlic breath. No woman ever like rancid garlic breath and if they tell you, oh, it's not problem. I like garlic, then she is a succubus and will probably attempt to feast upon your viscera. Hint for love: Don't let this happen to you! The only known way to stop a succubus is by making terrible bird noises and poking her incessantly until she leaves, never to return probably.

Okay, so, don't look now! Love is staring at you in the face! You and your mildly disconcerting orphan slave have managed to impress a female homo sapien by taking her to a nondescript restaurant owned by a nice slick-looking man named Jimmy, and by not eating garlic or having her be a succubus. THIS MEANS YOU ARE SUCCEEDING AT LOVE.

Haters will tell you that this is untrue, that love is not a game, but they are wrong. Love, an emotional state, is a game that you WILL NEVER WIN. Don't even think you can. The only way to win is to not play at all. Well, that's not true. You can do some things to win, but I'll get to those things later.

Look, the first kiss of love is the most important thing in the world. Don't be intimidated by the female's proboscis, or her strange desire for your blood. This is only natural. Once you couple with the love-creature-female, you will only have seconds to make certain you have established that the title of lover is yours. You must hurry and deliver the stork to the messenger... if you get my meaning. *wink*

After you are finished with love, you have to run really fast or else angry love-gnomes will chase you down and beat you with aluminum bats. Yes, this is actually a part of love that many people forget. DON'T BE THE GUY OR GAL WHO FORGETS THIS IMPORTANT PART OF LOVE. Remember to bring your anti-love-gnome spray, as well as a golf club or two to take those little suckers down once and for all, those damn horrid creatures.

Oh, you don't believe all of what I say? Fine. Go ahead and love and see what happens. If it's not as bad as that then you have evidently copulated with one of the genetic mutants of the female branch of our species. If it's worse then I will pray for you because I think you are to be pitied.

The one thing I haven't mentioned is that once you have established your dominance and given the female all of your time, effort, and fortune... as well as all your "love" as if that were a quantifiable thing without the love-gnomes... then you have become the slave to her. And there is nothing you can do. You're probably not even reading this because she has already removed her chassis and is now  feasting on your organelles.

Yup. I'm not wrong even a little bit because I'm the smartest and also number one. If you disagree then you just don't understand and you're a spud of lard.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Don't let the love-gnomes get you...

La lala la la la la la la l ala la la la la al al ala la la la la la lla.

P.S. Also, from what I've seen, love also involves sparkly men and bored women. I must research this because this might be the breakthrough I've been looking for... it involves a movie-book called Twilight, and I think... well, I think to understand the love-gnomes and the females I know what I must do. I must watch this Twilight and see why it is the greatest love story in the entire world. I shall get back to you and tell you what I've learned. I am not a sparkling man or a bored woman, so I don't know how I'm supposed to fit into this "love", but I suppose it should be obvious when I watch the film. I think it will involve dumping barrels of glitter on myself and streaking through the women... all the women... it is the only thought that makes any sense at all. The movie will be interesting if it is about sparkling streaking men and bored women looking to find their glittery princes through spontaneous, and oft-times disgusting means.

P.P.S. If you disagree with me about love, write me a message, 10 words or less, telling me how and why I am wrong. If you can't prove it in 7 words than I have to say that I'm right and you're an idiot who doesn't know anything about the "love".

Movie Appraisal: How to Train Your Dragon (2010)

So, here's a fun movie here that was really nice and watchable.

All right, I'm going to admit that I have no idea how to review a movie like this. I don't even know what kind of genre this is. I AM LIKE A FISH OUT OF WATER REVIEWING THIS SUCKER. I'm used to horror, psychological horror, video games, horror, psychological... oh... I already said that. So, this child movie is kind of throwing me down, beating me up, and stealing all my lunch money, and I don't really know what to do. I'm basically letting this movie run off with my lunch money. I'm not even chasing the film down, tackling it to the ground, and then shoving its face in the snow, like I would do once upon a time if anybody dared to steal the lunch money of the Saquarry. I can be vicious is what I'm saying, like a small angry weasel of death come to reap your soul. Why would I reap your soul? WHY NOT?

Okay... okay... so, yeah... getting to the review... because I'm reviewing this. This is happening. I'm telling you I'm going to review a child movie full of dragons and tiny young people who kind of freak me out a little. What is with tiny young people anyway? Why are they so small and stupid? Oh, and if you are one of these children people (Children is such a stupid word.) then you should not tell me about it, because I... What am I doing here? Why am I ranting about how small things kind of freak me out? I think I'm supposed to be telling everybody reading this what I thought about this movie and probably making you either want to watch it because I'm a perverse individual full of hatred or because I'm a nice guy who thinks you'd enjoy it.

All right... All right... This is a good film. It was fun to watch. Kind of cute. I didn't mind the cuteness too much, but if there was an inch more of cuteness I would puked stakes of fire out of my nose. Yes, you don't understand. Cutesy films are not my kind of thing. This one wasn't bad though. I thought the plot was fun. The characters were interesting, but contrived. The whole Viking thing was interesting and silly, but also kind of fun as well. The imagery was pretty cool. The main dragon himself was neat, good ol' Toothless. The main character wasn't too annoying and I didn't mind him all that much.

Basically I did like this film even though it was WAY OUT OF THE WAY not my kind of genre. Basically this is about as far away from my genre of choice without getting into romantic comedy that I will allow myself to get. Romantic comedy makes me shoot suns of doom from every orifice of my body. So, I tend to avoid romantic comedies, especially those that involve that certain blonde that I'm not fond of or that guy who's in like every romantic comedy ever made who also happens to look like an absolute tool and if I knew any chick who was dating that douchebag, I would think less of her for doing so, to the point where I would disown her... even if I didn't own her in the first place... look, that's not the point. You're thinking I'm creepy, but you're not getting the point. Get the point. No, don't judge me... GET THE POINT.

Okay... is there anything else I should mention? Okay, the battle thing at the end of the movie was cool. The voices and characters and dragon design were pretty good.

Yup. That's about it.

I am so going to try and have more time this next week to actually watch something that I can actually review without making myself out to be completely out of control of every one of my faculties including mind control of myself...so, self-mind control, which should so be a thing... which it is, I guess, but it should be called that constantly.

I am so going to try and review Silver Bullet before next week arrives. I've been wanting to review that movie for months...

Movie Appraisal: Ink (2009)

Have you ever wanted to see a truly artistic film, a film that is every facet of beautiful and endearing? Have you ever wanted to fall into the realm of the story of a movie so fully that the movie seems to become real to you?

I know I speak out a ton about some of my favorite movies, and sure, maybe I'm wrong about their quality, but I enjoy them quite a bit, and this movie is in my top movies of all time. It's not because it's psychological horror or because it's Jacob's Ladder, but because this movie stands on its own. It does things I've never seen movies do before. It uses the visual effects to its advantage rather than its disadvantage like most modern movies seem to. I can compare the Star Wars prequel movies here or Transformers, movies that used special effects to look "cool" or whatever the hell they were trying to do. I don't even care because all those movies are terrible.

Ink, on the other hand, is a wonderful case of needing the visual effects for the story to be better. And the story is so absolutely stunning that I don't even have the words for it. I watched the movie for the first time about a year ago and fell in love with every aspect of it. There was not a single line that made me cringe, not a single scene that made me question the motivations of the characters or the people making this film. It comes off as a beautiful story from beginning to end, a fairy tale in some ways, and in others nothing more than a dream, but a dream with so much meaning.

Yes, I tend to like the "It was all just a dream." or "The guy was dead/dying the whole time." kind of plots. And this has elements of that, but it also has, I think, a deeper meaning than most of those types of movies. I think it is in many ways much more metaphorical, and also much more beautiful. It isn't trying to be horrifying, it's trying to tell a story, and for that I have to give it all the recommendation I can possibly give. It feels like a true hero story, from the beginning and the introduction to the characters' struggles and trials, to the middle, the darkest point, where nothing is certain, to the end where everything is resolved and you kind of just want to sit down and cry for a while because of just how sad, bittersweet, and beautiful this movie is.

Ink reminds me of What Dreams May Come quite a bit, if you've ever seen or hear of that book/movie before. The plot is somewhat similar, but flipped, and the situations are very different, but the stories end up being very similar to one another. And because What Dreams May Come is one of my favorite stories I have to say that it makes Ink that much better.

This is one of the few movies I would say benefits from its characters and story. Most movies have characters that don't matter and a story that barely exists, but this film relies so heavily on those things that it would be nothing at all without it.

I guess I should summarize the story... Anyway, there's a man who's depressed, his daughter who is taken by an ugly, scarred brute, and the being who seem to protect the people of the world. That's about all I can say. I hate giving the story or plot of this movie away. It's better to watch it than have me reveal all of its secrets. The movie is actually free to watch online. I don't think the filmmakers charge anything to watch it, or at least they didn't back when I watched it the first time.

This is truly one of my favorite movies and I think it should be required watching for every single living person. It's simply that good.

One thing I do have to say is that I was checking this film's Wikipedia page, and it told me that this film's genre is science fiction and fantasy. It's not. Wikipedia lies so badly it actually makes me want to rage throw Wikipedia out of a window. This film is very psychological and very dreamlike, but there is absolutely no sci-fi anywhere in this, and the fantasy element is less fantasy and more straight psychological metaphor. I would group this film much closer to the Silent Hill movie, for instance, than to Inception, just because of the metaphorical ideas presented within. I don't think the meaning of the movie is pointedly hard to get or anything, but it seems like a lot of people really don't understand this film when it's actually quite easy to see what it's about if you pay any attention at all. I guess I think that most people don't really get a movie like this because they're too stupid to actually pay attention to anything for a few minutes straight without wanting something to explode or a big famous actor to come on screen or something. Society makes me sick.

This film is such a wonderful experience. It made me, the harsh cynical Saquarry, who hates everybody and everything, really want to give everybody a collective hug and kind of tear up a little and pretend I had something in my eye... because I did have something in my eye, all right? I was totally not crying. My point is that this is a feel-good movie with elements of being bittersweet. It's the movie equivalent of hugging a cute puppy.

Now, go watch this film. No, stop reading this and go watch it. You're wasting your time and mine continuing to read this when you should be watching the film and doing something productive. Fine, I'll stop and you can go and watch it and you can tell me how right I was and I can act smugly superior for a while.

Yeah.

Video Game Assessment: Portal (2007)

So, when I think of a wonderful and nearly perfect video game, Portal is it. I'm not going to go ranting and raving about how good this game is because every other reviewer worth anything has said the same thing. This game is amazingly fun. It's a puzzle game that's unlike anything you have ever seen before. It has amazing graphics, a wonderful pace, and an interesting story presented in an extremely memorable way.

Basically the point of the game is to go through a series of "test chambers" and complete puzzles while a female computerized voice (named GLaDOS) gives you advice and kind of helps you throughout the different chambers eventually leading to... well, I'm not going to spoil that...

The premise of the puzzles is that you have to use a gun that creates a "portal" between two different places in the chamber and use combinations of gravity, inertia, and general physics to solve the different puzzles.

Valve created this game and it does use the same kind of graphics and physics engine that Half-Life 2 does. It looks incredibly good and is an incredibly fun game to play. Its short length (I can beat it in about ninety minutes or so.) really does leave you wanting more, and not many games today do that. Most games seem to overstay their welcome while Portal doesn't in the slightest, which is probably why there is a sequel coming out soon... the demand for this type of game is huge.

I'm not going to say much more. If you haven't heard of this game, you really should look into it, and if you have then you don't need me to tell you how good it is. If you like games and haven't played this one, what the hell are you waiting for? If you don't like games, I still recommend trying Portal out. It's fun and intelligent, and really is one of the best video games out there PERIOD. I mean, it's an incredible game and needs to be seen to be truly believed.

This is one of my favorite video games. I really enjoy it. Check it out if you get the chance. Just remember that (I'm going to smack myself after saying these memes, but I think it will be worth it because this is a review dammit.) "the cake is a lie" and that you have to kill your best friend, the companion cube. Also, you're a monster.

There, are those enough memes? Can I stop now? Yeah, now you're thinking with portals...